This is a work of almost pure fiction. Names, dates, characters, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination such as it is. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead or actual events is purely coincidental.
Now you're all anticipating poor characterisation and a dubious plot. Arguably it does include an inappropriate teacher-pupil relationship I'll grant you that. In fact that's pretty much the entire plot. And to be frank it might be said that the sub-plot climaxes with an inappropriate teacher-pupil dynamic too.
In my defence I can state with confidence that all of the characters were well over the legal age of sexual consent in the UK at the time. In fact, they were all 18+. The setting is somewhere in the UK which does still exist. To be precise a classroom in Hallucinogenic High School which doesn't.
Try finding Hallucinogenic High School anywhere in the UK. Use any search engine you like. You can't find it can you? As I said 'This is a work of almost pure fiction'. Now do you believe me?
Hallucinogenic High School? You may feel apprehensive. Will this work include the misuse of non-prescription drugs? Final warning then. The misuse of non-prescription drugs will be implied.
It's Tuesday April 1st 1980 and the Upper 6th are waiting patiently for their teacher. Hallucinogenic High is situated in an inner city area and her pupils are a product of their environment. 6UA are a disparate group about 40% English with the rest made up of children who originated from the former empire; some first, some second generation and May whose parents came from Ireland's West coast.
Most of them took their studies seriously and all of them had managed to accumulate the qualifications necessary to push on for a free university place.
Their teacher had a passion for education too. Indeed she was an extremely passionate woman generally. She entered the classroom wearing need I say a shortish skirt, high heels and a low cut blouse. Of course she's gorgeous, lissom of limb and bountiful in the Bristol City area.
(That is not to say that Hallucinogenic High School is situated in Bristol. It's mythical, remember? Bristol and West was a commercial bank in the UK and it remains the Cockney rhyming term for chest. The classic rhyming slang is actually Bristol Cities meaning titties. If a Cockney (i.e. a person born within the sound of Bow Bells) were to exclaim. "Get a load of 'er Bristols!" he or she would be expressing admiration for a lady's chest.)
The owner of the bountiful Bristols one Miss Burstyn was a popular teacher and as such had been bestowed with several affectionate nicknames. During the spring of 1980 as the weather improved and her attire became skimpier Bra' Burstyn, Busty Burstyn and Burstyn at the seams increased in popularity.
In the future her ex-pupils would come to realise that these secretive sobriquets were far from complimentary and several would undertake gender awareness training. But those are different stories. For now we have to accept that Miss Burstyn was objectified. She addressed the class.
"Good morning 6UA. Apologies for the change of venue. I'm glad you all managed to find your way to the music room. Rest assured we'll be back in our regular classroom as soon as it's fully fumigated and passed fit for human habitation."
One of the girls asked.
May: (Her name was May Glove.) Is it safe in this room Miss?"
Miss Burstyn: (Henceforth just Miss because generally female teachers in the UK are referred to as Miss.) "Yes."
May: "But how can you be sure?"
Miss: "Because this is the music room and tunes help you breathe more easily."
May: "That's very re-assuring Miss."
Miss: "Good. Now has everybody brought back their consent form to confirm that you're allowed to attend this Sex Education lesson?"
Class: "Yes Miss!"
May: "And you've all brought in the original version of your birth certificates, not a copy to prove that you're over 18?"
Class: "Yes Miss!"
Miss: "Very good. So now I'm going to come to each desk to check."
Miss Burstyn scrutinised each document and when she was fully satisfied that each and every one of them was over 18 she returned to her own desk.
May: "That's excellent. All of your paperwork is in order. We can't be too careful you know. Now open your text books at page 1!"
But the class chorused back.
Class: "We haven't been given a text book Miss."
Miss: That's very strange I left one on every desk before I went to the staffroom for a spliff. I mean low tar cigarette."
Class: "The books weren't there when we got in Miss."
Miss: "Well, that's unfortunate. They contain some highly sensitive material."
May asked.
May:"Really Miss. What kind of highly sensitive material?"
Miss: "Pictures of a man and woman with no clothes on. After all this is supposed to be your Sex Education lesson. Plus extensive instructions on how to do it."
May: "We can't leave school without extensive instructions on how to do it Miss."
Miss: "Yes it's an essential component of the curriculum."
May: "And so is viewing pictures of men and women with no clothes on."
Miss: "That's true. Unusual, but in this context true. So first I'll need a girl to volunteer to act as a guinea pig."
May: "Girls aren't allowed to volunteer to act as guinea pigs or indeed any other type of rodent Miss."
A boy, George (That's a boy called George, not Boy George) added.
George: "Not unless it's a drama class."
Miss: "That's very awkward. I really need a naked female so I can give instructions on anatomy. Plus how to do it."
George: "Why don't you performed a striptease and demonstrate how to do it using your own body Miss?"
Miss: "Do you really think I'd be able to strip and perform the demonstration at the same time Michaels?"
(Teachers at the time referred to their male pupils by their surname. George who was not Boy George was George Michaels. That's Michaels with an 'S'.)
George: "You're a very versatile teacher Miss and we're in the music room. But maybe if you just took your clothes off normally it would be easier."
Miss: "Alright then. I'll try to do it myself. You'll have to bear with me while I unbutton my blouse."
The class muttered excitedly as Miss Burstyn turned to face the blackboard and took her top off.
Miss: Now I'm going to remove my brassiere."
She unclasped it and placed it with her blouse on the desk before cupping her breasts and facing her pupils.
Miss: "Alright. This is one for the boys. What are these for?"
There was a collective moan from the class as she let go of her breasts. Michaels was the first to compose himself. After all he was in the music room and though he didn't know it yet he had a music related name.
George: "That's easy Miss. They're funbags for your boyfriends to play with."
Miss: "Actually that's not entirely correct. I'm married so they're only there for my husband to play with..."
(Look, what I said about female teachers in the UK being referred to as Miss is true. Miss Burstyn will still be referred to as Miss by her pupils even though they now know she's a Mrs. What can I say? Male teachers in the UK are called Sir even though hardly any are knights of the realm.) Anyway she continued...
Miss (Not Mrs.): "Anything else? What do you think girls?"
May: "Some women also use them to feed their babies."
Miss: "Yes. Their primary function is in fact to produce milk for nutrition of the baby and infant."
One of the girls, a pretty blonde called June looked astonished. Miss Burstyn who was an observant as well as very versatile teacher noticed.
Miss: "Miss Buggy you look astonished."
(Alright, that is a cock up by me. I'll give you this one. Miss Burstyn would probably refer to her by her Christian name but I thought of a really funny play on words so I had her call June by the surname I made up. I assure you it won't happen again.)
June: "Yes Miss. What if you have triplets?"
Miss: "I wouldn't worry about that at the moment. We're talking sex now and the breast's capacity to act as a visual and tactile stimulus for the male organ. More of which we'll come to later."
One of the pupils put his hand up.
