"Value is the true meaning of life, if indeed there is such a thing as a meaning to life."
Having stated that, I stretch across the table, pick up a poppadum, break a bit off and then dunk it in the lime pickle.
I'm in the Ryde Tandoori and it's Saturday evening. There are seven of us, including yours truly, sitting round two tables pushed together. On the opposite side from left to right is Lena Zavaroni, Jeremy Irons, Amanda Donohoe, and Carol Vorderman. To my right is the Auto Pilot from Airplane and to the far right is Arnold Schwarzennegger. I'm directly opposite Lena Zavaroni.
Okay, they're not the real celebrities but they are
real
people and I'm identifying them with the famous individuals they most resemble. It's also a kind of a game I play with myself. Indulge me.
I munch into the poppadum cupping a hand underneath in case a bit breaks off and falls onto the clean white tablecloth, and if it did it would land chutney side down. I seem to be getting clumsier with every passing year, and I'm only thirty-three. Perhaps I'm turning into Frank Spencer. Remind me to tell you about the toilet block later.
"What do you mean by value exactly?" Jeremy inquires of me. Jeremy and I often have these deep conversations about life, the universe and everything, to borrow a title from one of Douglas Adam's books. Neither of us are Einstein's but we can certainly hold our own among the pseudo-intellectuals. In fact, Jeremy has got some rather interesting speculations about time himself. I'll get him to talk to you about it, some time.
Apologies for the digression - it's one of my idiosyncrasies.
"Well," I respond before breaking into my rehearsed spiel, "we all agree that the universe sprang into being by a causeless cause at the beginning-less beginning of time, but for what reason?"
"How can you have a causeless cause and a beginning-less beginning? It doesn't make sense," Arnold interjects.
Arnold owns his own building and scaffolding firm - he's doing some work for Lena and Jeremy - and he is quite personable. He likes to project himself as a likable rogue, but he possesses a temper and has been convicted for assault in the past. Jeremy had confided to me that he was on a suspended sentence and had to be careful or he would be looking at six months. Physically, he is about five foot six and of slight frame but he's extremely strong and pretty useful apparently. His sandy hair is cut to a grade four, presumably to lessen the effect of encroaching baldness on his crown, and his eyes are an intense blue-grey - the eyes of a psychopath? His features do resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I suppose he's more of a sawn-off version of him. I think he is thirty-two.
"To answer you Arnold, the universe couldn't just have started because one would have to ask what preceded the beginning and what caused the first cause. The alternative is to say that the universe has always been there, but that doesn't make sense either because an 'infinity of time' would have had to pass before we got to the present which is a bit like waiting for the end of eternity - it just can't be done or conceived. Since we are in the present the only illogical statement that makes sense, or half sense, is the theory of a causeless cause and a beginning-less beginning. There is nothing wrong with reality, just our failure to construct a mental model of it," I expound.
Carol catches my eye, and her gaze lingers just a little too long. Carol is thirty-one, I think. She has long dark hair that tumbles onto her shoulders and I suspect she has a hint of Latin blood. She's not beautiful but she's attractive, and as I have already stated, has a similarity with Carol Vorderman. She's got lovely big brown eyes and a dazzling smile. She's wearing a sleeveless black top which displays her tanned bare arms which are slightly hairy but not enough for me to find them off putting. I find myself fantasizing about being spanked by her before shagging her -- I wonder if that's what the doctor meant having recently advised me it was a good idea to pursue an outside interest.
Arnie looks across - I think he may have picked up on something - so I look away. A 'spanking' from Arnie just doesn't quite have the same appeal.
"So, Matt, what is all this 'value' about?" Jeremy probes me.
Jeremy is six foot and the tallest here. He is well spoken but not posh and you can always rely upon him to look smart. He works in IT, doesn't everyone nowadays, and is well paid. I sometimes wonder if that's the main attraction of him to Lena, his partner - or am I perhaps being too cynical? Jeremy is darkish and has a good head of well-groomed hair. He is thirty-two.
Jeremy and I have been friends for over twenty-five years - perhaps that calls for a silver anniversary of some sort. We spent a lot of time together as we grew up. We played soccer, Subbuteo table football, table tennis, chess, and even wrestled. We've also been little rascals at times too - knocking on peoples' doors then running off and smashing windows with catapults - and we never got caught.
Lena, Jeremy's partner, is dressed in a white blouse and a dark knee length skirt - perhaps a bit sensitive of her rather large thighs. Her hair is cut to her shoulders and her eyes are grey. Her complexion is also a bit pale, and I wonder whether that is to do with being a vegetarian. She puts me in mind of a grown-up Lena Zavaroni, if you can remember the child prodigy.
I am not convinced she is that keen on me because she can be ignorant and quite rude to me at times. I have to tolerate her because Jeremy is my best mate and for some reason he loves her. Lena is twenty-eight and I hasten to add not married to Jeremy which I suspect is a bone of contention between them.
Once again, I have gone off on a tangent - back to 'value'.
"Well, Jeremy, the universe has gone to all this trouble to create itself - Big Bangs, expansion, cooling, gas clouds, the precipitation of galaxies, stars, planets and life - but for what? My answer is that must be value in it. Everything we do, we do because we gain, or hope to gain, value from it. There is value in breathing, drinking, eating, sleeping-"
"What value is there in suffering and death then?" Arnie breaks in.
It's a good question.
Immediately to my right is Auto Pilot and I'm getting the impression he's not really interested in the conversation at all. I have to say, perhaps I'm being cruel, that he really does remind me of the Auto Pilot in the spoof disaster movie,
Airplane
as he's chubby with a wide face and got side brushed light brown hair. I think he's overdressed for the evening because he's turned up in a pin striped suit - but Jeremy is also in a suit though his is navy-blue and at least he hasn't turned up in a pilot's uniform. Okay, I jest, he's actually a sales rep and on good money and not averse to swanking about it along with his wife Amanda.
Auto Pilot is alright, but I find him a bit immature at times, like an overgrown schoolboy. When he's had a few to drink he sometimes thinks it's amusing to grab testicles which makes me wonder if he's not a bit latent.
His wife, Amanda, has come out in a longish floral-patterned dress - I quite like it. She's a quietly determined woman and is astute with money - not surprising as she works in a bank. She is not ashamed to admit that she is quite ambitious and covets the material things of this world. She has two children with Auto Pilot but don't ask me how old or what their names are - I'm just not that interested. I do know however that she is twenty-nine and Auto Pilot is thirty-one.
I'm still going to respond to Arnie's question, be patient, but you may be wondering what well known person I resemble, well, I'm not going to tell you...
"Marty, can you pass your dish over?" Lena asks me with a mischievous grin spread wide across her face as waiter collects the last of the starter dishes.
Marty? My name is Matt.
Then it registers and apart from Jeremy all the other diners look a bit quizzical.
"Jeremy and I were wondering the other day who you reminded us of and both of us in unison said, Marty Feldman." Lena looks sideways at Jeremy for support as though perhaps she had gone too far this time and needed to shoulder the blame with her partner.
Okay, I admit I have got a Roman nose, but I've grown a neat little goatee beard to balance it out. I've got thick curly dark brown hair with a hint of red in and I also have large brown eyes. I'm of largish build though of average stature - five foot ten. I'm not handsome but I don't think I'm a minger either otherwise Carol wouldn't keep looking over. It's beginning to unsettle me just a little.
Lena knows she's being rude because Marty Feldman is generally accepted as being an ugly man though I certainly wouldn't mind his talent and money. I have a feeling he is dead now. It could be the truth that I resemble Marty Feldman - we have it drummed into us from a young age as how important it is to tell the truth - but in this world you don't just consider
what
a person says it's
why
they say what they're saying.
So,
why
has Lena chosen to mention it? Well, underneath she doesn't like me and it's her way of getting at me. She thinks I'm a bad influence on Jeremy, that he may see my 'single' life as more desirable and fun than his 'henpecked' existence with Lena. She wants me out of his circle of acquaintances so she can control and shape him more for her own purposes.
I choose not to rise to the bait.
"You have to admit you have a got a big nose, Matt." She was in her stride and so far, I had never been rude back to her for fear of upsetting Jeremy - I
really
did value him as a friend.
