During my initial forays into the swinging arena, the Internet wasn't even a whisper on the lips of the public. Digital cameras? The only things digital in that archaic Stone Age were alarm clocks, and microwave oven displays.
We're talkin' VCRs, and cassette tapes. Ozzy was still perceived as some dove-devouring, Satanic psychopath, as opposed to the pablum-eating shell of a marketing ploy he's become.
Even in those prehistoric times, it behooved a single, swingin' dude to possess what would be the equivalent of a head shot for an actor.
Polaroids, man! In the early '90s, they were imperative. Back then, you got 10 shots for 10 bucks. Hence, takin' a decent picture of your huevos and all-beef sausage was an expensive endeavor, financially magnified when heroically attempted alone.
Slick, glossy-paged copies of Hustler in your left hand, a one-shot camera — coated in baby oil — in your right, it was damned near impossible to capture your special purpose in frame. Still, one had to try. How else were you gonna answer ads in local swing rags, without a pic to verify your assertions?
Keep in mind, a guy was workin' with completely different photos for each response, since making duplicates of Polaroids was as easy as running a two minute mile, underwater. I'm certain you can see how costly this endeavor was for somebody like myself, who is the antithesis of Ansel Adams.
Combine all this with the fact you were responding via snail mail, and things became even more complex. When you consider the time it took for those who placed the ad to answer your reply, you may be looking at weeks in the waiting.
Of course, one also ran the risk of flakes, and no shows. There were instances in which I shelled out 40 bucks in Polaroids, six greenbacks in lubricant, and a few dollars in mailing fees, only to discover the couple in question were filing for divorce.
Thankfully, most of this is behind the single swinger. The annulment drama is ubiquitous, but through the advent of the Internet, you can now instantly send a two-dimensional image of your dong, anywhere on Earth.
Take advantage of this exponential improvement in technology. Obtain some shots of your prized possession, so you can text or E-mail them to prospective sexual partners. Such a weapon in one's arsenal is essential in a swinging environment.
Keep the following tips in mind:
Since computer monitors only read images at 72 dots per inch, and pics need not be high resolution, to be viewable on cells, it isn't necessary to invest in an expensive digital camera. Grab a shit 16 megapixel point-and-shoot for 40 bucks, and fire away!
Better yet, just take the photos with your cell phone.
The recipients of your magnum opuses couldn't give two oily farts about composition, nor three-point lighting. Still, should you have a copy of Photoshop layin' around — don't go out and buy one, because it's more expensive than a DUI — study a handful of free tutorials on YouTube.
If you become proficient enough with said program, you can improve the quality of your photos: remove blemishes, lighten areas that aren't as visible as you'd like, etc.
Some folks may even go so far as to erase unwanted pounds, or add bogus length. This risks misrepresentation.
Even if, via Photoshop — or some app on your phone — you engage in a rapid weight loss program, and transform yourself into Long Dong Silver, you're eventually gonna have to strip down in front of your potential sex partners.
Showing up with a two inch gherkin, dwarfed between thighs possessing more cottage cheese than a dairy processing plant — after you've described yourself as "fit and hung" — isn't going to get you laid.
If you've got an erection that curves downward, photograph it from above. It'll make your fun factory look larger. If you've got an upward-curving dong, shoot your pornographic pictures from below.
Close-up shots can be advantageous, as they fill your recipient's computer monitor, so that nothing else seems to matter.
