What spurred this post was a comment from an anonymous user that was posted to one of my recent entries entitled, "Are There Downsides To Cuckolding?"
The gist of the post was that what kills many cuckold marriages is the same thing that kills other, monogamous, marriages. You'll read in the comment below what I said, and the response that followed.
"You understand sex very well, but know ZERO about love!!
"This is going to be bad news for you: "true love is unconditional" you said? Not even by an inch. It is possible to be unconditional if it is returned back as unconditional as given. Chances of that happening makes LOTTO win looking like a walk in the park. Because of that, LOVE is VERY CONDITIONAL and POSSESIVE!!"
The commenter stated that, essentially, they could love unconditionally if the other person loved him/her unconditionally as well. The problem with that kind of thinking is that unconditional love that has conditions isn't unconditional love, it's transactional.
Unconditional love is a selfless act. You're not in it for yourself.
When you put conditions on your love, you turn love into something that has to be earned. When a person feels that they have to earn another person's love, there is no feeling of security. There is always that fear that something they may do or not do may cause the other person to stop loving them. The problem here is that love and fear can not coexist.
In her book Life Lessons, Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living, co-written with David Kessler, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross discusses some big ideas concerning love and fear. Love and fear are the two primary emotions in humans. Kübler-Ross argues that all other emotions exist under these two primary emotions: either an emotion comes from a place of fear or a place of love. These core emotions underlie every other emotion we have.
When we're afraid of something, we're more likely to tear it down or throw it away. Coming from a place of love, however, encourages us to create, build, and/or add.
When the commenter above stated, "LOVE is VERY CONDITIONAL and POSSESIVE!!", he was talking about transactional love as well as contractual love.
We get with another person and we feel that we have some type of ownership of that person. In a typical monogamous marriage, the couple has a contract that has ownership stipulations and a term length.
Often people cling to the "forsaking all others" part, yet they often forget about the "Until death do you part" part.
Jealousy stems from fear. And, as I have noted, love and fear cannot coexist. So, especially if you are married, there should be no fear if there is love.
What strikes me as odd is that too often people choose fear over love. The reasoning behind this is self-worth sustainment.
A person who can only love conditionally/transactionally/contractually is usually a person that was raised by or around people who had exceptionally high standards and expectations. Because of this, the person that can only love conditionally is a perfectionist. They've worked hard at proving that they are worthy of love. And, sadly, this is the only type of love that they know and understand.
Because these people believe that love is something you have to earn, they are often possessive, as our commenter stated.
Jealousy stems from fear and possessiveness stems from neediness. And neither are helpful or attractive.
One might feel that a little jealousy is a good thing. It means that you are important to another person if they are afraid of losing you, but if they need you instead of wanting you, that is a different matter.
Jealousy also stems from comparison. What does this other person have that you don't? What more could they offer that you can't? In this instance, we are brought back to fear and self-worth.
The driving force behind jealousy and possessiveness is insecurity.
The jealous and possessive person is always on guard. They tend to make their partner a suspect. They expect this person to wrong them, and then they are surprised and overwhelmed when it happens.
It is those who have low self-esteem that are most often jealous and/or possessive. And that makes sense. If you do not see yourself as worthy of another person's love, you want to control as much of the relationship as you can. This will lessen the possibility that what you believe you lack will come to the forefront.
Love without possession means wanting your partner to be happy even if you aren't the one making them happy. A relationship can't be a person's only source of joy. You need more layers and nuances in your life.
A person that is jealous and/or possessive relies on the other person for their self-worth. And a person that is jealous and/or possessive is more interested in control than love.
When you want to control another person, you are telling them that you don't want them to be themselves, you want them to be who you want them to be. And you want them to act the way you want them to. This is a trait of ownership, not love.
We should always aim to grow each other's worlds rather than restrict them.
In a possessive relationship, there is a severe lack of trust.
Children that grow up with an ambivalent/anxious attachment style grow up to be adults who are self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. And this leads to jealousy and possessiveness.
Let me ask you, do you see these as signs of love: An inability to trust, feeling insecure in romantic partnerships, the need to control others?
Most of our insecurities are formed in childhood and throughout the school years. And those who carry these insecurities into adulthood are often those who are jealous and/or possessive in their personal and/or romantic relationships.
Now that we know what love isn't, maybe we should find out what love is and what it entails.
First off, what are the types of love?
Eros - is a primal and powerful fire that burns out quickly. It needs its flame to be fanned through one of the deeper forms of love below as it is centered around the selfish aspects of love, that is, personal infatuation and physical pleasure.
The second type of love is philia or friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered a love between equals. As Aristotle put it, philia is a "dispassionate virtuous love" that is free from the intensity of sexual attraction. It often involves the feelings of loyalty among friends, camaraderie among teammates, and the sense of sacrifice for your pack.
Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.
Although ludus has a bit of the erotic eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers. Playfulness in love is an essential ingredient that is often lost in long-term relationships.
Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between eros and ludus.
To those who experience mania, love itself is a means of rescuing themselves; a reinforcement of their value as the sufferer of poor self-esteem. This person wants to love and be loved to find a sense of self-value. Because of this, they can become possessive and jealous lovers.
If the other partner fails to reciprocate with the same kind of mania love, many issues prevail. This is why mania can often lead to issues such as codependency.
Unlike the other types of love, pragma is the result of effort on both sides. It's the love between people who've learned to make compromises and have demonstrated patience and tolerance to make the relationship work.
philautia is self-love in its healthiest form. It shares the Buddhist philosophy of "self-compassion" which is the deep understanding that only once you have the strength to love yourself and feel comfortable in your skin, will you be able to provide love to others. As Aristotle put it, "All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man's feelings for himself."
The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape or selfless, unconditional love. Agape is the love that is felt for that which we intuitively know as the divine truth: the love that accepts forgives, and believes for our greater good.
Agape love is unconditional love, bigger than ourselves, boundless compassion, and infinite empathy. It is what the Buddhists describe as "mettā" or "universal loving-kindness." It is the purest form of love that is free from desires and expectations and loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.
