The Importance of Communication

Anytime you got to a website, or hear someone talk about communication, they always say that communicating is the most important thing a couple can do. And we agree. But when was the last time you woke up and asked your partner what their deepest, darkest sexual fantasy was?

We always seem to be able to talk about sports, work, or the weather, but most couples don't talk about their true sexual wants, needs, and desires.

We can be naked with our partner. We can have sex with our partner. We can even talk dirty, sometimes. Why can't we have honest conversations about what we really want, need, and desire?

We like to assume that everything is great in our relationships, or at least we try to believe that everything is okay. Often we are missing out on really knowing our partner. When it comes to sex, most everyone wants it, but few are getting the sex they want and need.

Yes, we have become more open to sexuality, but not often enough in our own relationships. Why? We, as a society, still see sex as taboo.

We can openly talk about someone else being gay, but we can't talk about our own sexual leanings, especially with our partner(s). We can call a woman a slut, but most women can't talk openly about the men they've had sex with, or want to have sex with, with their partner(s). Why are we so afraid to talk about our sexual wants, needs, and desires with our partner(s)?

Past research has shown that couples avoid communication about sex because they perceive it as threatening in three different ways:

Threat to the relationship.

People fear the discussion will irreparably damage the relationship. In other words, they value their relationships even when they're not happy ones. So, they'd rather say nothing than risk a conversation that might improve it but might also tear it apart.

Threat to partner.

People fear discussion about their sexual wants and needs will hurt their partner's feelings. That is to say, they care about their partner's welfare even when they're not happy with the way their relationship with them is going. Again, they'd rather muddle through than make their partner feel uncomfortable, even with a chance of making things better.

Threat to self.

People fear discussion of their sexual wants and needs will make them vulnerable. If they reveal too much about themselves, they worry that their partner will disapprove of them or try to shame them, blame them, guilt them, tell others about them. We need our partner's approval, and the fear of losing it is a major reason why people avoid talking about sensitive issues in the first place.

One constant, when it comes to discussions about sexual wants and needs, is FEAR. We are so afraid of sex and what it means, and what it could mean to others. We've all heard the question, "Why do you care what other people think?" And many claim that they don't care. But what if you are a man and you have a desire to be pegged by your wife or girlfriend? That's probably not a subject you want to bring up around your guy friends. But what if doing so would help one of your friends not feel so alone? What if you, as a wife or girlfriend, have always wanted to have a threesome with two guys? You might be surprised at what your partner might say if he knew.

One eternal truth is; You can't get what you don't ask for. And surprise! Your partner can't read your mind. A couple can be together for years and never truly know one another. That's sad, but it's also another eternal truth.

By not communicating, you're essentially keeping secrets from one another. Twenty to thirty years of keeping secrets can really take a toll. And keeping secrets makes your relationship dishonest.

What must be realized is that communication is about connecting to one another. It's about using your verbal, written, and physical skills to fulfill your partner's needs. And the biggest need in any relationship is honesty. If you can't be honest with your partner, then that is the biggest problem. And if your relationship is based on fear, then it isn't much of a relationship.

A good relationship is one in which each person involved can be themselves without fear. Fear distorts your perception because it focuses primarily on the negative, exaggerates potential threats, filters out alternative views, and causes you to compromise your values out of the need to survive. If you are just surviving in your relationship, instead of thriving, you aren't living. You're existing.

To move beyond fear, you must stop denying the truth. You have to be honest with your partner to be honest with yourself. If you are not living the life, with your partner, that you want or need to, and you're keeping secrets, then you are at fault for your own unhappiness.

If you believe that your honesty would be a threat to your relationship, then what kind of relationship are you in? Do you see it as a healthy relationship? And if your honesty would be a threat to your partner, what does that mean? If you can't be honest about who you are, especially with your partner, then this appears to not only be a relationship with secrets, but also a relationship without trust.

If you are fearing your partner's possible response to you finally being honest with them, then you are projecting your fear upon them. I believe that most people want you to be honest with their partner. And if they are willing to spend the rest of their life with you, then it might be nice if they knew who they were really spending the rest of their life with.

Think of it this way; would you want to be in a relationship with someone who was dishonest, kept secrets, lied, pretended to be someone they weren't?

We all seek our partner's approval, and too many of us go too far in this endeavor. What we do is "become one flesh." We lose our own identity. And we essentially cease to exist. We believe we're happy . . . enough. And we often come to believe that we are getting what we deserve. The saddest part about that is that we are deciding what we deserve. We aren't giving our partner an opportunity to show us how much they feel we deserve.

If your partner doesn't know the real you, then they may ask who they've been living with. Being what and who someone wants you to be may work in the business world, but it's a complete fail in the relationship world. You can co-exist in a relationship, but you can't truly LIVE in a relationship if YOU are not in it. If your partner doesn't know the real you, the opportunity for them to love the real you is taken away.

The reason that true, honest communication about sex and your sexuality, your wants, and needs is so important is because once you can talk about these things, conversations about most anything else become easier. When you can openly discuss sex, your sexuality, your fantasies with your partner you can talk about anything.

Your partner wants to know and be able to love the real you. If you are not being true to yourself or your partner, they never can love the real you. A life lived in fear is no life at all. It is simply surviving.

Give your partner the opportunity to love the real you. Let them know the real you. Tell them who you really are. You might be surprised to find out that who you thought YOU were living with was someone who was waiting for you to be open and honest with them so that they could, without fear, be honest with you.