I love you. I want to be with you. Why do you not pay attention to me? Well, you did, back when the church was smaller. You would look at me, and say hello, when with your wife by your side. And I shyly smiled, and said hello too perhaps. But I don't remember that. I feel so sad. Maybe it is this sad song by Leona Lewis on the top 20 hits on the itunes radio. I feel like I let you down. I feel I did not become everything you wished for me when you saw me as a young adult in middleschool going to a private highschool. I was bright eyed back then, always looking to the future with great hope and expectation. And now that future is in the present, but not as glamorous as I hoped. Instead, I feel it is as good as I could expect, in fact better. I am not living the high life, of a lot of wealth and respect in business and owning a corporation like I wanted to. I am no vixen or dominatrix like I wanted to be as the boss I expected I'd become by now as some kind of prodigy.
Instead, you look at me with pity, because you learned that I was psychotic. I thought it meant I was a prophet of some sort. Maybe I should learn the arts of sorcery and magic so that I am a psychotic to be feared, rather than a mere person to be sad for. Maybe psychosis is really the ability to understand the nature of the world that normal common sense is not able to reach. Am I to learn esoteric knowledge? Then, you may not pity me anymore. And then maybe you will want me. I imagine I'd ruin your marriage. You said you'd rather die first than to ruin your church. I don't want you to die, but I am an atheist. And I believe when I die I am not going to heaven, but will become dirt and explode in a black hole someday when Earth is burnt to a crisp by the ever larger sun, and gets sucked into it. And, I don't want my life, or yours because you are not as young as we once were...I don't want our lives to end without getting to know each other intimately. I want to be your friend, but I am afraid that if I got involved in your ministries that it is not going to help me get closer to you, and it will be all for nothing...yes, for nothing because I do not want to get to know other people. I rather dream about you and me, and pay attention to other people that I also want to know instead through online stalking and keeping track of the books they publish and the sermons you give online. Meanwhile, I will stay at home, and wish that someday something will bring us together. Maybe I am going to be an intellectual in my own right, who talks about eroticism in my books with Christian leaders, and you will be one of them in my head, who I play with on paper, and turn into some kind of book. It will be a bestselling Harlequin, unless it is too racy for even them.
