Threesome Guide For Couples Pt 03

Chapter 3 – Selecting the 3rd

Introduction:

Having a threesome is a journey that has many exits. On this leg of the journey, it is analogous to when the pioneers settled America and travelled through the mountains during winter. During this part of the threesome journey the couple wrestles with making it to the summit, deciding on whom to invite and then beginning to make the decent to where you are planning to settle, the search for the third. Choosing the third person for a threesome can be the difference between a successful threesome and a threesome that ends in disaster. For a couple it can be like the first day of school or driving alone for the first time. It is a time when nervous anticipation fills the room but the excitement is constrained by the realities of the ongoing discussions. Reality is there is no checklist or magical formula for choosing the third person this means that it is up to the couple to decide. This section will look at choosing a third for a threesome that does not involve a polyamorous threesome, does not involve a cuckold threesome, and it will not look at choosing the third for an open relationship. Instead, this section will approach the topic from a generic perspective, which means this author will not differentiate between choosing a female and male for a threesome. In addition, generic means that the information contained here may or may not be helpful to a given situation. It is best to read it and then decide on it application. Finally, many ancillary issues go along with selecting the third person such as safety and discretion, which will be addressed in later articles.

Starting point:

Probably the easiest way is to approach this topic by discussing the ways a couple should not select the third person. By the time we reach adulthood, we all know that we do not run with scissors, not to put electrical appliances in the bathtub, and not hold a metal rod in an open field during a thunderstorm. Planning a threesome involves a similar learning process and like anything else we learn the fundamentals need to exist. Fundamentals for having a threesome includes many things such as respect, communication, desire to have a threesome, knowledge about your partner, and a division of labor. Granted each of us have our preferences and work styles. Nonetheless planning a threesome requires that it is a team effort, communication is transparent, and there are no secrets about what the other is doing in order to have a threesome. This means there is more than one way to do this but it requires each person understanding what the other is doing. Therefore, approaching selecting the third by "surprising" your partner, pressuring your partner into having one, or manipulating them may achieve your goal in the short-term. However the long-term effect may be devastating to the relationship.

Friend, Co-workers, and Prostitutes / Escorts

Probably one of the areas were couples struggle with is who too chose to invite to their threesome. A perceived safe choice is a friend or someone from work. There are potentially many reasons for considering them. One reason might be an unspoken attraction exists and by having a threesome it would allow the exploration of the attraction. Such a reason might make for a good erotic novel but in practical terms such a choice can bring risks. Another reason could be there is a relationship and familiarity that already exists. For a couple it means they get to avoid allot of the work that goes with finding a third because they can select someone they know.

There are definitely more reasons as to why a couple might select a friend or co-worker but they do bring risks. For a friend probably the biggest risk is the loss of the friendship or straining the friendship because of the threesome. It is important to consider before asking a friend is the loss of the friendship worth having the threesome? Should the answer be 'no' then it is best to look elsewhere.

Co-workers bring their own risks with them, which can be far worse then selecting a friend. Arguably we will spend about 1/6th or more of our entire lifetime at work. For some co-workers can become as close as family and work colleagues can almost become second family for us. Sometimes this closeness, from working with someone over a period, makes us forget there is an invisible line that exists between work life and home life. If that line becomes blurred it is easy to forget that consequences outside of the office with a co-worker can carry very negative consequences that might be career ending. Probably the biggest risk that exists with a co-worker, especially if one of you holds a more senior position, is the issue of harassment that includes sexual harassment and victimization. A more likely risk is once work colleagues find out about the relationship it can serve as a focal point for the grapevine, which can lead to low morale, spreading rumors, and loss of productivity. Along with these risks there is always the possibility of loosing your job due to this type of activity. It is best, in this author's opinion, to forget about co-workers.

Finally the title of this section is friends, co-workers, and prostitutes / escorts. Up to this point this chapter covers the topic of friends and co-workers, now the next topic using prostitutes / escorts. Some couples will see escorts / prostitutes as a way of bringing their threesome fantasy true without having to worry about the emotional attachments. While using a prostitute / escort may prevent feelings from being developed they bring a host of risks that are not worth taking. In many jurisdictions prostitution and using escorts are illegal. This means for someone in senior role, who has a morality clause in their contract for employment, or someone who needs to be discreet for a variety of reasons then using a prostitute becomes a game of chance. Even if you can avoid being arrested other risks such as increase chance of catching a STD / STI and risk to personal safety should be enough to deter anyone from using this route.

Looking for the right person to invite:

By this stage, the couple should have discussed the type of person and threesome they want to invite. For some this can be a time like a child on Christmas Eve waiting for the arrival of Santa. Excitement begins to build about what could be and unlike the child at Christmas; the couple has the power to make their fantasy a reality. In order to make their fantasy a reality most likely will involve, some negotiating and some compromises along with allot of discussions. However, no individual needs to feel as though they have given up too much or that they are being forced into having a threesome.

After the excitement passes and the discussions begins, the question becomes how do you decide on who is the right person? Simple answer to this question is there is no one right person but a range of people who match your needs as a couple. In some ways, it is like choosing a gift for an anniversary. Such a gift requires knowledge of the person, choosing cannot be rushed, and it has to be appropriate for the situation. Likewise deciding on the third requires coming up with characteristics based on previous discussions, knowledge of the needs of your partner, and choosing the type of person that is appropriate. This can mean the discussion becomes detailed about age range, personality, physical characteristics, location, and other factors that are important to each person. It is important to remember that there will most likely be some "give and take" on the discussions regarding the type of person to invite, the reality is that the person must be agreeable to the both of you.

Once the two of you, as a couple, decides on the characteristics or agree to search for the person after reaching a general agreement then the search begins. The discussions you have had up to this point will serve as a template that will help with the screening process.

Screening Process

If you think of having a threesome as journey, once you reach this stage, screening process, it would be analogous of coming down from the mountainous peak and beginning to see the land you are going to settle. Simply put, by this point the two of you should have an idea of the type of person you want to invite along with the characteristics that are "must have," not negotiable and "nice to have," characteristics that are not essential thereby allowing some flexibility. The template that you have developed will serve as the standard that you judge potential invites, third person. Should you be in a situation where there is an agreement to have a threesome and the two of you have a general idea of the person you want to invite it is important to continue to communicate to ensure both of you are on "the same page" about the person being invited. In the event that there is a difference about beliefs then it is important that it be discussed so that an understanding is reached.

When looking at the template you need to ensure that they have the essential characteristics and then begin considering the "nice to have." There will be temptations along the way such as to deviate from the "must have" or to choose someone because only one of you are attracted to them. However any discussions regarding deviating from the "must have" must occur when, as couple, you are not actively searching. By having the discussion when you are not actively searching, this author feels, allows an honest discussion about the characteristic(s) being discussed and it minimizes emotions from influencing the discussions.

Where you search for the third is not important provided you follow the template that the two of you have developed. Along with adhering to the template, another issue that needs being considered is attraction. Attraction in a threesome is not the same for a threesome as it is for dating or forming a long-term relationship. For a threesome an emotional attraction is not necessary and it can be problematic. Instead, the attraction needs to be what this author would describe as an intellectual attraction along with a physical attraction. An intellectual attraction is one everyone respects each other and a level of cohesion exists whereby the three of you work as a group without the need to compete. Physical attraction goes along with intellectual because at some level you need to find the invited person physically attractive enough to have sex with them. Without some level of attraction for all three then the threesome can be problematic and may cause issues for the couple later.

Conclusion

Provided the couple can make it through this stage then arguably then they have taken a significant step towards the end goal of having a threesome and they can begin to see the landscape of their planned threesome. In order for this stage to be successful, this author feels communication, trust, knowledge about the other, and not being pressured into having a threesome are essential. The more the couple critically examines their options for selecting a third person and understand the risks that each choice can bring the more likely the couple will make the right choice. Along with examining their choices, the more the couple adheres to their template for choosing the third, this author feels, the more likely the couple will make the right choice in their selection. Lastly, it goes without saying that having a threesome involves risks like everything else in life and the more the couple can understand the risks they are facing with their planned threesome the more likely they are able to address them thereby increasing their chance for success.