How to Shop for the Best Sex Toys

Okay, okay, I know all about it, you wouldn't be caught dead walking into one of those "Sex Shoppes," you know the type, with the lovely mannequins lining the windows in odd costumes. Yeah, it gives it a bit of glamour but we all know that hidden behind those mannequins is the wall, the wall of dildos, vibrators and miscellaneous toys that runs from a 14" meticulously detailed polymer cock to some amazing things that look like vibrating tinker toys. Of course if you can fit enough batteries into these things they may do the job, but who is going to walk down that long wall, dildo by dildo, vibrator by vibrator looking for just the right one.

Yeah, all of this happening under the watchful eyes of the sales freaks with black fingernails who are laughing at you all the time looking hauntingly like Marilyn Manson. No, no, one quick pass down the dildoed aisle and you are out of there, leaving Marilyn behind to giggle at the thought of someone like even thinking about having sex.

Of course there is the mail order place, but now-a-days, if the box ain't marked Amazon, QVC, Fed-Ex or UPS then it's simply brown paper packaging, hee, hee you know, the unmarked brown paper packaging. "Hey Mom, there's a package for you, I think it's your dildo," or even worse, "Ah my darling daughter, your dad accidentally opened your package and..." And you know damn well the package will arrive the weekend you are gone, leaving the preacher's wife getting your mail. You'll never see it and my, my hasn't the preacher's sermons really gotten interesting lately.

No, we ain't shopping at the "Sex Shoppe" and there ain't gonna be no plain brown wrapped packages arriving at the door, I'm just gonna grab my Sears holiday flyer featuring the Saturday only 7 am to noon black Friday NOW! doorbusters. Yes, we gonna do our sex shopping at Sears.

Now, before we get started, keep in mind, I am a professional masturbator and some of these ideas may be better left to the professionals, I'll try to mark the dangerous things with asterisks, you know these things: **. One asterisk means take care, two means you might want to pass on this one unless you have some odd amputation fantasies and three means, "Are you out of your fucking mind, don't you ever do this even in a hospital emergency room."

Okay, here on the first page we find a sexy model in a Misses' cardigan in a lovely maroon color. Now guys, women's clothing rubbed over your cock and balls are nice, but hey a cardigan? Let's hold out and see if we can find some bras and panties inside the flyer. Note: there are no asterisks here, no danger unless you try rubbing the cardigan on your cock and balls while still in the store, then you get a *.

Moving up the page you'll find a digital camera and everyone knows the fun you can have with those babies. Once again no asterisks unless you start fucking around in the store. Damn, 12.2 megapixel for under eighty dollars, "Hey baby drop your drawers, I'm taking some pictures."

Now we'll skip over the sewing machine, crock pot and refrigerator and find ourselves looking at a portable power source for recharging your batteries. Okay, first of all, if it ain't a velvet wand or similar device do not plug this motherfucker in. If you do plug it in you get *** okay. Now if you are into a bit of nipple pain or cbt then the little pinchers you hook onto the battery can't give you some ** fun. Yeah, yeah if those clothes pins are too much for you, you might want to leave this toy alone.

Oh my and now we have a *** fucking Craftsman reciprocating saw, ouch, ouch, and now in your best voice to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, "...but do you recall the most famous amputee of all..." yes this is John Bobbitt territory. But you know if you shorten that blade, plant a long cucumber on it, it just might... oh yeah, like your wife or girlfriend is gonna let you anywhere near her with this baby, big cucumber or not.

Okay, sorry there, getting a bit carried away with the possibilities. Now inside the first page of the flyer are some women's pajamas and bras. Yes, nice and soft on the cock, and hey the soft flannel real soaks up a lot of cum. Now for you cbt aficionados the bra straps have some possibilities, but hey you already know this stuff. We've got to move on.

Next page brings the vacuums, mostly all uprights with lots of rolling brushes to get your cock and balls tangled up in... ** here for sure. Now, take another look at those with the hoses, a bit of suction might feel very nice, but guys, keep that hose between you and those whirling fan blades and things will remain fun. Those with adjustable suction, if the switch is handled properly this can feel just like a blow job from Jenna Jamison. How do I know that? Oh wouldn't you like to know... (grinning).

Oh my, pages six and seven bring us to the tools, the mainstay of our sex toys department. Yes, we have 50% off the Craftsman Professional 3 piece vice grip set. Wow, imagine that pain lovers, one for the nipple, one for the cock and one for the balls. Of course any combination thereof can work too. Now I am assuming you do have the good sense not to squeeze something too tight or this will quickly go *, ** and ***. We also have a nice set of DieHard booster cables for something a little different.

Okay, stop it right now and I don't give a fuck if it does have a laser alignment tool, stay away from the miter saw, I mean who cares if it is a perfect 45 degree cut, I don't want my cock near that thing. Oh, I see, you are looking at the ten inch buffer at 50% off. Shine them balls up brother, or you might try your lover's ass, but hey, make sure the pads are very soft and run it at low, low speed. Get too rambunctious and it will go ** or maybe even ***.

Unfortunately, my favorite toys aren't on sale this week. Yeah those vibratory sanders are calling our names. From the handy Makita with the odd little shaped heads to the big ass flat padded one. Lordy-do these toys are born orgasm machines. Wrap the rubber pads with a towel or soft fabric, adjust your vibration speed and cum along. You'll quickly toss those battery driven things from the "Sex Shoppe" into the g-a-r-b-a-g-e. Now you can wait until next week and hope they go on sale, or go ahead, bite the bullet and buy one now, because the orgasm you miss, just might be your own. Happy Holiday Sex Shopping.