When I began my Domme journey years ago, I wrote a how-to story about dominating a man. Since then, I've discovered I specifically prefer sensual domination while inflicting little to no pain. That isn't always what people think of with D/s, so I wanted to write another how-to about this type of dominance. I've explored my dominant side through reading, writing, conversations, and playing with subs. The most repeated feedback on my stories is an appreciation for showing domination can be sexy without pain. I have absolutely nothing against domination with pain and cruelty, but it's just not for me.
This isn't a short how-to because it covers a lot of things, including responsibilities, communication, clothing, anticipation, sexy talk, teasing, orgasm control, putting him on display, toys, rewards, punishments, and aftercare. This isn't about negotiating scenes or playtime with new acquaintances, and it does not address D/s as a lifestyle. This is written for a Domme who already shares a connection with her sub. Personally, I need to know my sub and feel a connection with him in order to enjoy dominating him. This is also written from the perspective of a woman dominating a man. However, I hope that anyone, regardless of gender, orientation, or partnership status, can find some helpful and sexy ideas from this story.
A few basics
There is a physical side and a psychological side to dominance. Physically, sensual dominance means dominating with activities that revolve around sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is a broad term for all erotic physical sensations and not just oral sex or intercourse. It may include kissing, dry humping, spooning, massaging, etc. Rewards consist of sexual pleasure given by the Domme and received by the sub. Punishment means sexual pleasure is denied or taken away from the sub. Light pain is often part of the fun, but the more substantial pain is more commonly used with other types of dominance. Psychologically, sensual dominance may make a Domme feel worshipped, sexually satisfied, powerful, controlling, and loving. Subs may also feel sexually satisfied as well as vulnerable, cherished, controlled, and loved. The brain plays a vital role in domination, and the physical and psychological elements are incredibly interconnected. Ideally, your D/s interactions fulfill both the physical and psychological needs of you and your sub. Many people enjoy mixing sensual dominance with other types of dominance, while others prefer to stick to one kind. There's no right or wrong way to dominate as long as all parties involved are consenting and enjoying themselves.
Some people wonder if sensual dominance has much of a power exchange when it's all about pleasure. Absolutely! The extent of the power exchange depends on what level you and your sub desire. For example, you could climb on top of your sub to make him feel like he doesn't have a choice, and then fuck him senseless until you cum. There isn't a ton of power exchange in that scenario, but there's no rule that says you need to incorporate more. If you wanted more, you could tie him down and straddle his face while making it very clear that his pleasure has to wait until you're satisfied. Then you climb on top and ride him really slow until he's going crazy and begging for release, but he's not allowed to cum until you let him. When you make a sub get permission before he can cum, there's a lot of power exchange there even though you're focusing on pleasure. You can make your playtime more severe because you and your sub find a hard, unforgiving Domme sexier. Or you could play in a lighthearted, whimsical way by being a fairy who casts a spell to control him. Sensual domination can be intense, light, or anywhere in the middle.
When it comes to dominance in general, Dommes typically enjoy being in control because the sense of power is heady. It can also help a woman feel confident, sexy, desired, brave, and like an erotic badass. In addition to these reasons, I love the trust, honesty, and connection that come with dominating a sub. People often think that Dommes are controlling in all aspects of their lives. However, I have known very good Dommes who had a more passive personality outside of playtime. Additionally, not all bossy women make good Dommes.
On the other hand, many people believe subs want to submit because they have strong personalities but need a break from being in control. That can certainly be the case, as was true for one of my subs who was a cop. However, I also have met men who have a more laid back or mild personality but still love submitting to a woman. Subs can enjoy being controlled for several reasons. The most popular reason I hear is they love the feeling of submission and helplessness and find it extremely erotic. Another very common explanation subs give me is that they love pleasing a woman and making her happy.
Why Dommes and subs want dominance without pain can vary widely. I prefer sensual dominance because I like being in control of pleasure and orgasms. I love to tease and ramp up the anticipation to make both our orgasms better. I'm also a nurturing and giving Mistress and want to take care of my sub and his pleasure. I love making him happy because a happy sub is a devoted sub. I've heard from subs about why they want to be dominated sensually, and many explain that they get off by being at the mercy of a woman yet still want intimacy and pleasure. Additionally, many subs don't have an interest in pain, but they do have a strong desire to serve a woman sexually. They are hesitant to explore their submissive side because they don't find the pain aspect sexy. However, there's a world of sensual dominance waiting for them if they find the right Domme to match their desires.
The Domme's responsibilities
During playtime, you're in charge of a lot as the Domme. However, your most important responsibility is looking out for your sub. You need to make sure he's comfortable, happy, and safe throughout the entire experience, from discussions to playtime to aftercare. It's a lot of responsibility to be open and honest, understand his needs, plan activities, choose his rewards and punishments, take care of him, know when to push or back off, adjust things on the fly, and provide aftercare. Whew! It takes a lot of mental energy but is extremely rewarding. Be sure you recognize the effort it takes, and please don't half-ass it. It's impossible to be a perfect Domme all the time, and that's okay. But a desire to be an excellent one goes a long way toward great sensual playtime. It takes a lot of trust to submit to someone, so make sure you appreciate your sub's trust by doing your best. I always say my number one job as a Mistress is to take care of my sub. How I take care of him varies depending on who he is, what he needs, and what we're doing. No matter what, I always want him to feel safe, secure, and cherished.
Communication
I cannot stress enough how important communication is to help everyone be safe and have fun. This is the main reason why I need a connection with my sub; we have to be very open and honest with each other. Even with sensual dominance, you must have a safeword. You and your sub can use the same word, or each of you can have a different one. A safeword is a way to stop all play immediately, and both you and your sub must always have the ability to do that. Pick something that would never come up naturally in playtime. "Stop" and "wait" are terrible safewords because your sub might want to use them to increase his submissive feelings. Instead, choose something like the make of your car or your favorite musician. No matter what, always stop playing immediately when someone says the safeword. Trust plays a crucial role in dominance because whoever says the safeword trusts that their partner will stop. Once play stops, talk about why the safeword was used. It might be due to feeling unfun physical discomfort, being too overwhelmed, needing water, or having a muscle cramp. Don't automatically assume you're a terrible Domme if your sub uses the safeword. It just means that you need to have a talk as non-D/s people to figure out how to make things better. You may even continue playing if you both want to after your break, or you might choose to stop for the night and play another time. Remember, Dommes have every right to use a safeword as well. Anytime you need to stop and talk to your sub in a non-D/s space, use the word. Maybe you're not feeling well, you're not enjoying an activity, the condom broke, etc. Don't hesitate to use the word, and then explain why you used it.
The other major element of communication with your sub is determining how you want to play. You must have detailed conversations about what you each like and want to try. Both of you need to be honest about what you like and don't like, and you both need to be kind about what the other person says. If he asks about something that you're not into, like pegging him, don't make a face and don't belittle his interest because there's nothing wrong with his desire. Just be honest and say you don't want to put that on the list of things to try. You both probably have a desire that the other doesn't want to try because two people's kinks won't align perfectly on every item. There's also give and take, and one of you may bring up something the other hasn't thought about. If one of your sub's ideas doesn't really do it for you, but you aren't against it, be open to trying it. As a Mistress, I've done things for my sub that didn't sound erotic but became really hot and sexy once I did it and saw his reaction and arousal.
Both of you need to be clear about your limits and interests. Through talking, you'll find where your interests overlap and decide what to try. If you find it hard to get those conversations started, try finding a good story on Lit to read together and then discuss what you like and don't like about it. It's like sexy homework! Perhaps he loved the Domme's tenderness, the restraints, the anal play, or other specific things that start a great conversation. You could also have a discussion jar, and each of you writes ideas on slips of paper and puts them in the jar. Then when you go for a walk or have some cuddle time, take two ideas with you and talk about them. There's no rule about how the conversations must go, but just remember to be honest and kind.
Throughout the rest of this how-to, you'll notice multiple references to communicating with your sub and learning what he desires. However, some subs are Domme pleasers and really only want to serve you and your desires. If you have this type of sub, he may not voice his preferences because he wants to do what you want. It's possible when you ask him questions, his responses are, "It's up to you," or "You decide." Be aware those answers could honestly reflect his desires because he wants you to lead, and he does not want much of a role in planning your playtime. However, continue to communicate and ask questions because it is essential to know when he does have limits and preferences.
