How to Seduce a Busty Woman

So, you have your eye on a special lady. The kind that you can see coming before she arrives. The type that sets off plate tectonics by going for a jog. If Monica Villreal was real, she'd turn a shade of green with envy. You want her, and badly. What do you do first? You put on the brakes, Sparky, and you read this. Hopefully, a little advice from someone who's been around the block a few times will keep you from pooching what could be a wonderful deal.

Firstly, no matter how clever or witty you think it may sound in your head, resist the temptation to make one of your first comments about the bosomy babe's obvious assets. Remarks like 'Those look awfully heavy; why not let me hold them for you?' or your best Chris Farley 'Holy shnikeys! Get a load of those sweater-monkeys!' are only going to get you one place, and it's not where you want to be. The Schmuck List. The truth is, just about every woman with such an obvious, appreciable asset has heard every joke man has ever dreamed up about it already. You won't be establishing yourself as a wit, just as another drooler. This is what we call A Bad Thing.

You should do your best to tuck that lustful admiration into the back of your mind and focus a lot more on getting to know the lady herself. As tough as it may sound, put her mind-boggling bazooms out of your mind. Instead, try asking a lot of open-ended questions about her. Hobbies, favorite foods, recent movies she's seen, classics she loves, and so on. This will let her know that you're interested in learning more about her than just her cup size. Women love to know that you want to get to know them as a person, not just as something as shallow as a tight, peachy ass or a ginormous pair of milk-jugs. Now, if you and she spend a fair amount of time together, and she finds your presence palatable, you're ready to move along to the next step.

Nextly, try a date or two, to get to know more about her. Again, try not to steer conversation back to her obvious assets, or she'll suspect ulterior motives behind your initial kindness. Also remember to be honest about yourself. To my experience, women can smell a phony like a fart in a car. If you're not a blow-dried James Dean ladykiller, don't try to puff yourself up like one. Likewise, you'll look awfully silly when you have her over to your place and don't even have the guitar skills of a 'white Jimi Hendrix', let alone a classic Fender Stratocaster. Be very careful of what you brag about, and how much. We all like to put on a good face, but keep it under control if you don't want to come off as another Pinocchio. Once the mask slips, it's as good as over. Another good tip is to leave your own drama at home. Don't lug baggage along onto a date. People go on dates to have fun, not listen to sob stories and throw pity-parties. If you want her to want to spend time with you, make her smile. Better, make her laugh.

But where humor is concerned, take your cues from her. Pay attention to the kinds of jokes she tells, and the things she finds funny. If she gets bold enough to tell a naughty joke, it's just her way of showing she can let her hair down, and proving that yes, she acknowledges her own sexuality instead of trying to deny it. NOTE: This is not a cue for you to launch into the story of the preacher and two nuns that accidentally walk into a donkey show.

In American society, it's not unusual for people to be on a medication or two for issues like depression, anxiety, or one of a dozen other mental instabilities. If the lady of your (wet) dreams labors under the weight of a reliance on a prescription, try to be cool about it. If she warns you about signs of her dosage wearing off, pay attention and tread just a bit lightly if you see them. However, if taking her meds includes wrapping a tourniquet around her arm to make her veins stand out and then self-injecting antipsychotic drugs, then you've got a genuine bunny-boiler on your hands. There's only one safe thing to do. Run. Run like the Antichrist himself wants your ass cherry, and all the Hounds of Hell are right behind him, waiting to tear apart whatever he throws them when he's done. Change your phone number too, if you've given it. Pursuit and wooing are one thing, abuse is another. Don't stick around for any, even if she's an H-cup. There are other fish in the sea.

Now, assuming you've been on a successful date, and she has expressed a desire to see you again (You lucky mook!) you've only got one more rule to follow. DON"T FUCK IT UP NOW. It's a lot safer to err on the side of discretion, rather than pushing for things to go farther than she wants, sooner than she would like. If she enjoys spending time with you, she'll want to spend more time around you. It's a beneficial, vicious social circle. People enjoy enjoying themselves. If you need some clues as far as pitching woo without going overboard, try watching the movie The Tao of Steve. Don't live it line for line, but take a few hints.

With any luck, the hints I've given you have gotten you her attention without tripping her creep alarm. It's up to you to handle the rest. Once you reach this point, go do that voodoo that you do. If things go well, you'll be the guy smiling because your voluptuous vixen is going home with you after club-time, instead of the sweaty, jaw-dropped loserboy who bellows over the music, 'Holy shnikeys! Get a load of those sweater-monkeys!'