How to Ruin Your Life

This essay is the antidote to the mind-numbing horde of self-help gurus clogging up the best seller list with their recycled platitudes and hyphenated feel-good life-strategies. Have you ever known anyone who actually benefited from a self-help book (besides the author?) It's time to get real, folks. It's time to embrace a life-strategy that follows the path least resistance; a life strategy that any loser can manage without breaking a sweat.

I have outlined below a 12-step program that can facilitate the endeavor of ruining one's life. (Actually, it's a 21-point list, but everybody's into 12-step programs these days, so let's just pretend that's what it is.)

Now, I admit, the cautious reader might look at these 12 steps as examples of behavior to avoid. What a bunch of candy-ass wimps! Man-up, dudes and dudettes! Get off your sorry butts and make something of yourselves! It's never too late to turn over a new leaf! You only live once! Go for the gusto! Make every moment count! (Are you getting tired of these stupid exclamation points yet? I know I am!)

1. CATCH A STD - 'Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw' is not just an old Jimmy Buffet song, it's also a great way to get yourself infected. Just ask yourself: what would Jack Daniels do? Seize the moment! Seize the breasts! Seize the ankles and thrust them skyward!

I would suggest that fucking while drunk necessitates the non-use of a condom, assuming you're a guy like me and you enjoy getting your rocks off in a suitably-juicy manner. Condoms are for pussies! (Literally!) By shucking your condom you get to wallow in the mess afterwards, which can be quite thrilling when you get home to your wife, and you've got sticky semen all in your pubes and underpants. How do you explain that? It makes life much more interesting, more of a challenge. Challenges build character, and character attracts the ladies, so you can't lose, (other than losing your wife, but you knew that was inevitable anyway, right?)

2. DO DRUGS? - (Disclaimer: Don't do any illegal drugs, for the sake of the rules governing postings on this website.)

Nancy Reagan said 'no' but I say 'yes'. Drugs are an American innovation. We should be proud to do drugs. It's our patriotic duty. Do drugs at work. Do drugs while driving. Do drugs in church. Hell, the Lord sees everything you do anyway, so why worry about it?

For a truly inspiring drug experience, I would recommend lighting up with your preacher. It could lead to some very spiritually rewarding conversations:

"Dude, I can almost see the Virgin Mary's pussy in that stained glass window."

"Dude, don't call me Dude, call me Preacher Dude."

"Cool, Dude, I mean Preacher Dude. Are you going to hand me back that spliff?"

"Patience, Dude. Where'd you get this shit, anyway? It's fucking righteous."

"Mrs. Abernathy. She grows it in her basement."

"Cool. Mrs. Abernathy gave me a blowjob once. It was okay, but she was so worried about getting jizz on her dress, it was like getting a blowjob from a nun. I prefer it when a chick gets naked for a blowjob, or at least takes off her top, or unbuttons her choir robe."

"I'm with you on that one, Preacher Dude. So listen, when you're baptizing a chick, can you, like, see her bra and shit when her outfit gets wet?"

"Dude! Why do you think I became a preacher!"

Doing drugs can make an ordinary experience into a life-changing event. Say someone slipped some LSD in your Dasani water, and you're up on your second floor balcony, trying to decide whether or not you can fly. If you survive, you'll probably end up in a wheelchair. The upside? Government disability checks for the rest of your life. Cool, huh?

Say you're out on a blind date, and your gal is not only built like a refrigerator, but that refrigerator was whupped by the ugly stick. Get high, turn off the lights, and suddenly you're making love to Pam Anderson (after she got out of the biz and gained 60 pounds.)

Doing drugs is the perfect solution to the imperfect life. Too bad they're so expensive. You can get around that by becoming a dealer yourself. The Comedy Central Series 'Weeds' would be a good reference for the dedicated do-it-yourselfer, as would just about any rap CD.

3. RIDE A MOTORCYCLE - Ride with pride! Ride with abandon! Ride with your helmet hanging from the handlebars. But by all means, ride with life insurance, so your beneficiaries can reap the rewards of your stupidity. It's sort of like the old 'paying it forward' thing. You drop your bike in front of a semi and die. Your beneficiary buys a Harley with the money and then they get T-boned by Mrs. Abernathy pulling out of the church parking lot. It's a beautiful thing. It's like that old song, 'Will the Circle Be Unbroken' except the circle has chrome spokes.

4. FUCK YOUR BOSS - I don't mean fuck with your boss. We all do that. I mean, have sex with your boss. Cum in her mouth, on her tits, in her asshole. Make sure everyone in the office knows about it. Take some surreptitious photos with your cellphone and pass them around. This is a guaranteed way to make you the king of the workplace for those glorious few days before you get fired. Might as well go out in style, right?

5. FUCK YOUR IN-LAWS - For a guy, the sister-in-law is best, although the mother-in-law would do in a pinch. Start by getting her drunk. Cop an accidental feel and see how she reacts. Tell her you love big-thighed women. Tell her there's nothing like a soft mushy ass in the dark to make you feel like a man. Your in-laws want you to feel like a man, because you married their sister/daughter, and the desirability of their relative is in direct proportion to your manhood.

Again, you would want to take the compromising cellphone pictures of your naked in-law, except, in this instance, you would want to post them on their MySpace page. It's important to keep the family in the loop. You know what they say: the family that gets naked together stays together. (Okay, I'm not sure if that's exactly what they say, but it's close.)

6. PISS OFF YOUR NEIGHBORS - So many people miss this one, and it's so easy. You have a stereo, right? Open the window that faces their house, preferable about two minutes after they turn their lights out. You want them to be just starting to drift off into slumberland when they are awakened by Ozzy Osbourne eating a chicken head. (I'm sorry if I have this reference wrong. I know nothing about Ozzy Osbourne, but figured his music would be a good way to annoy a neighbor.)

If you have a dog, make sure your dog barks all the time and shits in their yard. If they have a cat, put out some antifreeze. It's good for cats in cold weather. If your neighbors have any tools you can borrow, return them broken. It's the neighborly thing to do. You would also want to hit on the neighbors wife, or daughter, if she's old enough, but that's already a given if you're a guy like me.

7. EAT WRONG - Why worry about eating right? We're all going to die anyway. Might as well enjoy what little of life we have left, don't you think? Fried food is a good place to start, and it's quite delicious, especially with lard and plenty of salt. Bacon, eggs, red meat, pork are all good choices. (At this point, I'd like to say something about sausage, which gets a bum rap. They say sausage is bad for the colon. Well, duh! You're supposed to eat it!) (Thank you, Jay Leno.)

8. CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES - You know the rich cheat on their taxes, so why shouldn't you? If you're against the Iraq war, you have a duty to cheat on your taxes. If you're for the Iraq war, you already cheat on your taxes, since you obviously have no conscience or scruples.

The good thing about cheating on your taxes is; there are a lot of clueless babes working as IRS auditors. When you get audited, you might be able to extend the encounter to the point where more than numbers are getting crunched. There's nothing like that magic moment when your auditor's white blouse hits the floor and her nylons bunch up around her untanned ankles. It's the ultimate sexual conquest, and could net you a refund if you were to play your cards right.

9. BUY HIGH, SELL LOW - Now that the housing bubble has burst, it's almost too late to buy high. But if you were to hook up with a super-optimistic slimeball-agent (which you could find with the help of the local Chamber of Commerce, since all those Chamber of Commerce bozos are super-optimistic slimeballs,) you could probably still find some rundown overpriced fixer-upper loser piece-of-shit home and make an offer twenty percent over the asking price. Getting a big-ass expensive house in a crappy, rundown neighborhood would be a sensible way to go. I mean, isn't that the mantra of the real estate biz? Location, location, location.

10. MAINTAIN YOUR CAR - NOT! - Never, and I mean never, ever change the oil in your car. Okay, I'm stretching a metaphor here, but changing your oil is like changing your socks. Einstein never changed his socks, because he knew when he did, he'd just have to do it again the next day. It's a trap, I tell you! The oil companies already have enough of our money without us clueless consumers buying 5 quarts of 10W40 every three-thousand miles. To hell with Bob and Ray at Car Talk. Tell them to take their dipsticks and shove them up their asses! Sideways!

11. PERSONAL HYGIENE? ARE YOU SERIOUS? If you can even spell 'hygiene' you take life way too seriously. You need to lighten up. Why brush your teeth every day? Think of all the other things you could be doing during those precious three minutes. You could be spying on your divorcee-neighbor, or chugging one more beer, or running up your credit card on a live webcam porn site. Personal hygiene is for babies and corporate executives, so, unless you fall into either category, just blow off that shower until you really, really, really need it. (Note: having a hippie girlfriend helps, as does being homeless.)

12. RUN UP YOUR CREDIT CARD - If a deficit is good enough for the government, it's good enough for you. Don't be concerned about trying to live within your means. Only sissies live within their means. Splurge on something for the little lady, like a 48 inch plasma screen, or a new set of Craftsman tools. And don't be too concerned about the due date on your statement. Those credit card companies are so busy, they can't keep track of your due date. Just pay whenever you feel like it, which brings us to our next suggestion.

13. PAYDAY LOANS ARE COOL - Actually, payday loans suck, but having more cash than any of your friends on a Wednesday night is cool. We live in a materialistic society. Money is more important than integrity or common sense. That's why you don't want to miss out on the opportunity to put your money to work for someone else.

As an experiment in creative financing, try paying your credit card with your payday loan. See how long you can keep it up before they come repossess your car. What the hell, you don't need a car anyway, (although I suppose a car could be a nice alternative to being homeless.) On second thought, perhaps you should pay your car loan with your payday loan and let them repossess your house instead.

14. TELL THE TRUTH - Really, no one tells the truth any more. Lying has become the American way. It's the cornerstone of the free market. Where would Squibb, GM, and Philip Morris be if they didn't lie? Where would the president be if he didn't lie? What is the meaning of the word 'is'? I'm telling you, the truth is a death sentence.

Would you get that dream-job if you told the interviewer how you spend every waking minute surfing LIT for erotic stories that get you so turned on you cum all over your slacks? I don't think so. Lying is in your best interests, so if you want your life to go to shit, tell the truth.

15. GET DISORGANIZED - Again, this one is so easy. They say start small: try designating a special spot in your home to put your mail so you'll always know where to find it. The floor is a good choice. Behind the couch is even better. Sticking it in between the pages of last week's Sunday paper is ideal. I like to put my mail in the freezer, but I'm funny that way. I also keep socks in there, in deference to Einstein, and I think there's a kitten back there too. (It's a long story.)

I like to look at disarray as if it was a pop star. (Perhaps I'm thinking of Desiree. Doesn't matter.) The important thing is to go for the gusto. Personally, I collect dust bunnies. I think they're cute, dancing around the floor every time I try to stumble from one room to the next, dodging McDonalds bags, and pizza boxes and clattering beer bottles. I call my cute little dust bunnies names, like the Seven Dwarfs. "On Dancer, on Comet, on Donner, on Blitzen." Wait a minute, did I just mention Comet? Isn't that a cleaning product? Well, excuse me.

16. LET DOWN YOUR FRIENDS - Friends are overrated. Friends are a time-sponge. Friends are always coming around wanting this or that: "Dude! You want to go to the game? I've got center-court seats, right next to Nicholson." Or: "Dude! You want my boat? The wife says I gotta get rid of it."

Dude, you don't need a boat. You don't need to go to a noisy basketball game, smelling Nicholson's BO and the stinky perfume of his latest glamorous-whore-girlfriend-bitch. You need to be You, without all these distractions. If your friends knew they couldn't count on you for shit, they'd give you your space, and you could bloom like a three-week old dead rose at a funereal. Speaking of which...

17. PROPER FUNEREAL ETIQUETTE - Bring a hooker to a family funereal. This is a big one. Not only can you alienate your relatives, but you can also make your in-law jealous (the one you've been fucking) and maybe even get a little three-way action out of the deal. But you want to be tasteful. Have your hooker dress in something conservative, like one of those dresses that laces up the sides so you can see she's wearing no thong underneath. Make sure the dress is black. Leather is a good choice, but vinyl is also acceptable.

Have your hooker burst into tears on cue. Make sure she's got cleavage showing so all the guys can stare at her heaving breasts, and get in trouble with their wives for leering. When the service is over, pay her extra to flirt with the father or brother or son of the deceased. You want this to be a memorable occasion, something to look back on with pride when you're watching your funereal-night sex tape some time in the near future, probably at a homeless shelter.

18. RECOGNIZE YOUR HIGHER POWER - This actually loops back to the drug thing, but I thought I'd throw it in anyway. It's important to accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and keep a can for spare change, in case you run out of cash to buy your drugs. Plus, the Bible makes a good substitute for TP.

19. GET A LIFE COACH - Life coaches can be quite expensive. Why not recruit a friend or neighbor for a life coach? Or better yet, support a homeless person by making them your life coach. The homeless are very wise. They know where the best dumpsters are located. They know which bleeding-heart liberals to accost outside the courthouse - (basically, the entire public defenders office.) They know how to stretch a dollar - unless they can't find a twelve ounce Mickey's Bigmouth, in which case they know how to stretch a dollar eighty-nine.

A good percentage of the homeless are mentally incompetent, which makes them all the more qualified to advise you in matters crucial to your well-being. Will you find a life coach who is also a sociopath, or a disenfranchised war vet suffering from PTSD? You would hope so. You need balance in your life. What better way to find balance than to get some coo-coo yahoo guiding your every decision?

As a last resort, if you can't find a suitable life coach, just get a life couch instead. Then, in order to achieve balance in your life, balance a beer on your belly while watching Doctor Phil.

20. DANCE NAKED IN THE RAIN - Preferably in a public place. You want to get on the local news. You want to be charged with lewd and lavishes conduct. (Say that fast, three times in a row.) You want to be a sex offender, with a permanent brown stain on your record, so you can never get a decent job. You want everyone in the neighborhood to know you're a pervert. You want them to key your car, egg your windows, and maybe even kick your ass in the alley.

21. BECOME A PORN ADDICT - I'm not talking about surfing the net. That's too easy. I'm talking about contributing to content providers like this very website. Write offensive, lame-ass disgusting porn, but post it under your real name. Send in pictures of you and your SO in unflattering sex positions. Or better yet, post video of her trying to get you hard when you haven't had time to recover from your last orgasm. This makes you look like a real girlie-man, a man that would make Arnold Schwarzenegger proud (to kick your ass.) When your SO finally does get you hard, hang upside down so you can cum on your own face for a change. (Hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it.)

Embrace the porn community - your true soulmates. Nurture your relationships with other porn fans by frequenting the forums here at LIT. Start flame wars in threads about puppies and grandmothers. Be a know-it-all, both here at LIT and everywhere you go.

It all comes down to your ability to be an asshole. If you were a CEO at a big corporation, being an asshole would be expected, even demanded of you, and the rewards would be staggering. However, since you're not the CEO of a big corporation, your only reward for being an asshole will be the knowledge that you're well on your way down the long and winding path to a ruined life.

When you get there, look me up. I'll buy you a beer.