How To Masturbate Better

Introduction:

I was once told by a friend that his problem wasn't that he masturbated daily, it was that he did it so badly. After thinking about his problem, and realizing there is no manual on this subject, I decided to take it upon myself to write one.

What follows is a twelve-step guide to help novice, inexperienced or just plain inept individuals, obtain a higher, more satisfying masturbatory sexual self-fulfillment level.

If you have already reached your maximal level, please disregard the following information. If you have not, or if you are not sure, please continue reading.

The following information is divided into twelve sub-topics and does not apply to the "I need a quick release to get to sleep" situations.

1) Timing:

It is best to choose a time where you are not rushed or the possibility of being interrupted is not an issue. That is, unless you prefer being rushed or interrupted. If that is the case, this subject will be addressed more adequately in a future instruction manual under, "Speed Masturbation" or "The Thrill of Getting Caught." sections.

Another timing issue is what time of day or night is best. Are you a lark or an owl? I have always maintained a theory that most often "night people" were born at night and "day people" were born during the day. This is when our body clocks and Circadian Rhythms were set. I was born at seven in the morning and all my life, this is the time I seem to feel my best. It's downhill from then on.

Wether you subscribe to this theory is unimportant. The point being, pick a time when your energy level is at its highest to ensure best results.

Another suggestion regarding timing is to abstain from sex for a few days prior to the event, if possible. At least a twenty-four hour hiatus is recommended for minimum results. This is not always easy, but well worth the effort.

2) Place:

The place we chose is very important. It should be peaceful, private and esthetically pleasing. Usually this means your own home because here we generally have the most environmental control. You may choose the bedroom, the bathroom (toilet or tub) or perhaps the room where the computer is located. This is your call.

All of these areas are quite suitable, however if you require someplace special the kitchen, the fire-escape, a closet or the roof, please refer to my future articles on "Sex Can Be Fun Anywhere" or "Flashing the Neighbors For Added Risk and Enjoyment."

An added thought regarding toilets; when asked if "it is possible to catch a sexual transmitted disease from a toilet seat?" I am reminded of the reply, "Yes, but it's a lousy place to take a date."

3) Position

Along with place, position is another consideration. Sitting, standing, prone, supine, or even trandelenberg are all acceptable positions. Standing on your head, balancing on one foot or squatting with one leg extended really fall under the topic of "Yoga Sex for Better Health and Fitness," and will be discussed in future articles.

4) Lighting:

Be sure you have adequate lighting to see any visual aids, (magazines, photos, drawings, sculptures or mirrored reflections) needed to assist you in achieving maximum pleasure. If none of these things are required, I recommend a soft lighting; coral or red usually induce passion. Avoid blue which can cause depression, and green which has been known to exacerbate schizophrenia. Purple is generally a color associated with fantasy and should be used sparingly.

5) Sound:

Either silence or your favorite music is recommended. If you are using the cornucopia of pornography provided by the internet, earphones are recommended for hands free movement or to prevent the distraction of worrying if the neighbors are overhearing and perhaps calling the police or complaining to the manager.

This also applies to audio tapes. One piece of caution in regards to porn soundtracks. They are usually dubbed and/or enhanced after the filming and often are out of sync with the action on the screen which can be distracting like the soundtracks of a 1950's Asian horror flick.

More words of cautions regarding sound. If you live in a crowded tenement or apartment complex where the walls are thin, hearing a neighbor say "Oh shit, I stubbed my fucking toe!" or "Honey, where did you put the Fleets Enema, my shitter's backed up again." can sometimes spoil the mood. Earplugs can be useful in these situations. Unplug the phone, turn off the cell.

6) Smell:

This is an often overlooked part of ambiance. Using fragrances, incense or room fresheners can add to the moment. If you prefer something a little funkier, a used undergarment can come in handy.

7) Attire:

Nude is nice but if you are uncomfortable with this stark reality, a soft robe can suffice. For those of you who have special needs, cross-dressing, latex, costumes, bondage or other requirements, do what feels best.

8) Visual Aids:

Pictures, magazines, erotic literature, computer porn, can enhance the experience, I do however recommend the use of hands-free devices, (earphones, music stands, slide projectors, duck tape, mirrors) to allow for maximum enjoyment.

9) Touch:

This is a touchy subject. Whether you prefer, gentle, rough, bare hands, mechanical or water devices, fabrics, hot or cold lotions, or oils, this is your call. I do advise those of you into lotions to use water-soluble. These are better for the skin and the environment and they will not stain cloth or destroy synthetic rubber.

One personal note regarding mechanical devices, if you haven't tried the Magic Wand by Hitachi, you may be in for a delightful surprise. It has two speeds, easy to clean, can stand up to a lot of punishment and comes with a wide variety of attachments. It is the best vibrator on the market and although I do not own stock in this company, I wish I did.

10) Duration:

Again this is a personal preference. I recommend prolonging it as long as possible. Remember, you are making love to yourself. Even premature ejaculation during masturbation can be a disappointment.

Take your time. Build slowly. Bring yourself to the brink of fulfillment a few times and then stop. Tease yourself. Rebuild your passion, wait for the perfect moment, and then go for it! Repeat steps 1-10 if necessary.

11) Afterglow:

After you achieved your orgasm or orgasms to the point of satiation, lie still and enjoy the refractory period. Nobody likes "hit and run" sex. Show yourself that you truly care and loved every minute of that wonderful experience. Enjoy the moment. Take a nap.

12) Conclusion:

You are your own best friend. You know you won't stand yourself up, turn yourself off, give yourself VD or forget to call the next day. Enjoy, love yourself. Practice makes perfect. Good luck.