How to Lose Weight Fast

So, you want to lose weight? How much weight do you want to lose? C'mon, it's just the two of us. Whisper it in my ear. Wow! Seriously? That much? How the Hell much do you weigh now and how did you get that heavy? Never mind. I don't want to know. Besides, it doesn't really matter how much you weigh because I can help you to lose every pound that you want to lose.

How to lose weight fast? Now that I have your attention, I've pretty much cornered a good section of the fad diet programs and self-help books on the market with this story haven't I? Seriously though, what about my name, Bostonfictionwriter, did you not understand? I'm from Boston and I write fiction. Did you seriously believe that I could help you lose weight fast?

Wait; don't leave just yet because, actually, I think that I can help you. Let's start with a bit of commonsense first. You need to ask yourself two questions. How did I gain this weight? Yes, obviously by overeating food. Then, ask yourself why you want to lose the weight you gained?

Seriously, these are important self-help questions that you must honestly answer. It is important that you write down your answers. You need not share your answers with the rest of us, but by the mere fact of writing the reasons down on paper that you can review from time to time will give it more importance in your mind. You will never succeed losing the weight and keeping the weight off unless you first identify the reasons not only why you gained the weight in the first place but also why you want to lose it now. Think about it. It makes sense.

First let's ponder why we gained the weight in the first place.

Did you gain the weight from overeating? Did you gain the weight from lack of exercise? Did you gain the weight in a combination of overeating and lack of exercise?

Why did you feel the need to overeat and/or not exercise? What happened that suddenly changed your eating and/or workout habits? Was it medication you were prescribed and taking? Do you think you may have a medical condition that caused you to gain weight? Perhaps, your thyroid is the medical condition that suddenly made you gain all the weight. Let's rule that out first by having a medical exam. Never should you embark on a weight loss and/or exercise problem without first consulting your doctor.

Yes, I know, you are big boned. You have bones that are as heavy as the bones of a brontosaurus. If it wasn't for your big bones, huge bones actually, you'd weigh next to nothing and would be a size 4 instead of a size 20. Only, if you are going to continue to kid yourself as to all the reasons why you are overweight, then you will never lose the weight. You will always find an excuse to deceive yourself into failing, eating more food, and gaining more weight.

For those of you who have never seriously worked out, first get an okay from your doctor that you are healthy enough to exercise. The good news is that if you have never worked out before, once you get over the soreness, stiffness, and pain (lol), you will be amazed with the immediate results. Those who have never worked out before will receive faster and more pronounced benefits than someone like me who has been working out since (good God am I really that freaking old) 1963.

By the way, as an aside, for all of those gym owners and personal trainers who continue to send me all those wonderful expletive filled e-mails that I don't know what I'm writing about, I worked in a few gyms in my younger years teaching people how to lift weights and how to exercise. Then, as a semi-pro boxer, I taught disadvantaged kids from my neighborhood how to box and how to train for a fight.

Moreover, I've worked out for 45 years and anyone who knows me and/or has seen my photo knows that I'm muscular and in good condition for an old guy (cough, hack, gasp, wheeze). I used to workout with Victor Rivera a professional wrestler from the 60's who fought Bruno Sammartino for the championship and I sparred with Bob Urich of Spencer for Hire fame back in the 80's when he was making his television series with Robert Parker.

Did some emotional trauma happen in your life now or was it an emotional trauma that happened in your past that you are now reliving subconsciously and that has manifested in you overeating and/or not exercising? Do you think it would help if you talked with a professional? Have you tried hypnosis? It does work for some people.

Now, let's consider why you want to lose the weight you gained.

Is it just a public perception issue? Do you believe that by losing weight that the weight loss will make you feel better about yourself by giving you more confidence and lifting up your self-esteem? That's so interesting. So, is it safe to assume that you feel bad about yourself now? Have you considered that how you feel about yourself now is more than just a weight issue and that even if you lost the weight, you would still feel bad about yourself?

Moreover, have you considered that your negative thoughts relating to your body image manifests itself in more eating and increased weight gain? Do you think relaxation and meditation exercises will help to change your thoughts from negative to positive, thereby helping you to eat less? It's a vicious cycle that you've created for yourself. Hey, don't get mad at me, I'm just trying to help you. Put the frying pan down. You could kill someone with that thing.

Do you want to feel more desirable and be more attractive to the opposite sex? If you are a guy, are you hoping to get lucky? Gees, sorry, I didn't know you were a virgin. You'll have to read my story on how to get laid, but I haven't written that one, yet.

If you are a woman are you hoping to find the right guy and get married and have kids? See? Why is it that women are way better than men? Men just want to get laid and have sex with as many women as we can, whereas women want to settle down with one special guy, have a family, and get started with the more important things in life, such as buying a house, going shopping and accumulating credit card debt, and nagging her husband so much that he wishes he was dead (kidding).

Are you unhealthy, morbidly obese and/or have high blood pressure and/or diabetes? Yes, I truly understand that unless you change your behavior and modify what you eat and how much you eat of it, you will die. That's not good. Hey, I need all the fans that are going to give me a vote of 5 as I can get. I don't want my audience dying. I have a vested interest in not only helping you to lose the weight but also in enabling you to live longer so that you can give me more 5 votes. It's a win/win scenario for both of us.

Well, unless you must lose weight for medical reasons, I wouldn't make yourself miserable about not being thinner. Being thin isn't everything that it's cracked up to be. Think about and consider all the other good things about yourself. You have a lot of good qualities. I love your eyes by the way. Hey, I like you. You gave me a 5 vote for this story. How could I not like you no matter how much you weigh?

Besides if someone can't see beyond the body image, then a romantic relationship will never work. You're smart, sensitive, kind, and a good dancer, too; wouldn't you want those same qualities in your lover? Why settle for someone who is so shallow that he or she just wants the wrapper without delving into and exploring the dough (no pun intended)? I've seen way many more skinny bitches than I have fat witches. Oh, I see you are just as shallow as are your thin counterparts and you want someone as good looking as you think you are not. Now, I understand. Houston, we have a problem.

Seriously, though, I've known some people who were overweight all their lives and many of them were healthier than me. Not everyone is genetically blessed or cursed and going to be as skinny as Paris Hilton (and who wants to be that unhealthy thin), just as not everyone can safely carry excess weight around. Hey, if you ask me, Paris is so skinny that it makes her nose look bigger, but that's just my opinion. I really don't even like the dumb broad. Moreover, I've known many overweight women who are way better looking than Paris Hilton, not that she's any measure of beauty.

I've worked out with weights and aerobic conditioning all my life. Yet, I'm a 26.5 on the BMI, body mass index and by all the life insurance charts, I'm 50 pounds overweight. Are you kidding me? If I lost 50 pounds my friends would think I was dying of cancer.

I'm perfectly healthy at my weight, according to my most recent blood work. I do feel a bit tired though (cough), maybe I'm coming down with something. Nurse! I need a nurse to check my hard-on, I mean heart. I know bodybuilders who are a 30 on the BMI scale and they are unbelievably healthy. Muscle weighs more than fat. So throw your scale away. Bodyweight is not always a sure sign of how healthy you are.

Listen, if you are serious about losing weight, in principal it's easy to do but in reality, losing weight is just as difficult as trying to stop smoking, which by the way if you smoke, you are crazy not to quit. Anyone can lose a quick 5 or 10 pounds, depending upon the percentage of weight loss to your present weight. Yet, if you are serious about losing 30 pounds or more, it took you months to gain that weight and it will take months to lose that weight. Give yourself realistic goals that you can achieve and not make yourself feel bad by failing to reach unrealistic goals. Losing one to two pounds a week is a good goal to have.

Below are listed my four simple and guaranteed ways to lose weight.

1. Eat less

2. Move more

3. Buy bigger clothes

4. Send me a nude photo of yourself (women only, please)

1. Eat less -- Make better choices with your caloric intact. I've never heard of any diet that is successful by starving yourself. When you deny your body food, you may lose weight in the beginning but eventually you'll gain it all back and more.

This is what to do instead. Eat natural foods whenever you can and avoid eating man made foods and fast foods. Eat fruits and vegetables instead of donuts and muffins. I've come to the point that I'd rather eat an apple, orange or a banana than that chocolate Bavarian cream donut that looks so delicious that it makes my mouth water more than this freaking banana does.

Yet, sometimes when I crave a chocolate Bavarian cream donut, I won't deny myself that and will have something similar to it but not as fattening. Never will you ever see me eating a tub of ice cream, a sleeve of cookies or a bag of potato chips in one sitting. Now, if you eat in such a way as that, then you have other issues that must be resolved by discussing them with a mental health professional before you can successfully lose weight with only diet and exercise. Truly, no one is that hungry.

2. Move more -- Yes, I know you are really heavy and your feet and knees hurt but walk more. First of all, forget about style, buy a better pair of shoes, ones that are as supportive as they are padded, so that you can walk comfortably without pain. Look, it's a nice day, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. Go for a walk. Instead of parking your car in the handicap zone, park your car across the parking lot and walk. That's a start.

Believe me walking will make you lose weight. My wife lost 100 pounds just by going for a walk after dinner. We'd walk for an hour or so every night and we did that for eighteen months. Yeah, she was hit by a car but...kidding.

It's amazing that she lost that much weight not by joining a gym, not by working out hours every day, and not by starving herself but just by walking and changing her eating behavior and making better food choices. Besides, we talked as we walked and grew closer while doing that.

3. Buy bigger clothes -- I know it sounds ridiculous but not as ridiculous as you look trying to squeeze yourself in those tight jeans. You'd look thinner and shapelier if you bought a bigger size. We all have a favorite outfit, something that makes us look good and feel good, real good. Well, buy more of those look good and feel good clothes instead of the clothes that make you feel and look fat.

Wearing those too tight jeans are self-defeating and indeed, as soon as you pass by a mirror in the mall, the sudden realization of how bad you look will cause you to have negative thoughts about yourself and those thoughts will make you depressed and make you want to eat more.

You want to sooth your soul as much as you want to loose some weight. Whenever I put on a pair of jeans that I can no longer button, I wear something else. Not only do I immediately feel better about myself but also I feel more comfortable and skinny even, now that my stomach is not bursting out the sides of my jeans.

4. Send me a nude photo of yourself (women only) -- Think of me as you would your doctor. Yes, that's right; you may call me Doctor Freddie. Hey, I'm here to help you, but unless I see how severe the weight problem is, then I can't diagnose your problem and draw up a weight loss plan specifically for you. For those who are embarrassed having me ogle, I mean view your naked photos you may leave on your hat and shoes.

Actually, all you need to send me is a photo of your face and tits. I can tell so much by just staring, I mean seeing your face and breasts. You have no idea the things that I can imagine, I mean see.

As soon as I see your nude photo, for those who I feel that I can help by delving deeper in the problem, I will send you my telephone number and we can discuss your weight loss in depth and in a more comfortable position and private location with our first face-to-face meeting.

I'm certain for those naked women who are serious about losing weight; I can make you sweat off a few pounds with some hard thrusting and deep probing action. No, there is no need to thank me. I will receive my own rewards helping you to lose weight by having sex with you, I mean, by showing you how to lose weight by having more sex. Yeah, that's it.