How to Lose a Friend

When I first logged on to the site, my intention was to find erotica that would interest me, i.e. topics that I would enjoy reading. After reading articles for a few weeks, I decided to write some stories and post them. I didn't expect, nor did I get very many comments. I didn't care because I was writing to express myself, albeit some of my desires and fantasies.

I always leave positive comments on stories by other writers, and in some cases, I would send a PM for a personal and private compliment.

A few weeks ago, after reading stories on a person's portfolio, I sent a PM to let her know how much I enjoyed her stories. They were written well, and I suspected she might be a professional writer. To my surprise, she returned a message to my email. We bounced a few back and forth and she was amazing; smart, funny and very open about a lot of things, much more so than I.

For some stupid reason, I thought that by not revealing much about myself, particularly my age, women might find me more interesting, perhaps even "attractive" enough to converse with me privately. Initially I thought there might be someone who would enjoy sexting for our mutual benefit because as someone once said, "it's only on the page."

While chatting with this amazing woman, at one point, rather than give the truth, I just threw out a number for my age, not thinking we would get very acquainted. But we did, and even though she shared her real life with me, I held back my own for a long time. For too long. When I did share some things with her, it upset her that I had lied. It hurt her. I felt like crap because she is really a nice person, and I wasn't being fair to her. That should have been the time for me to tell her everything and take the consequences. I didn't want to hurt her more, and to make matters worse, I lied some more. I have no idea why. We had shared some very intimate chats and I felt if she knew how old I am she would be embarrassed to have sexted with me and to have shared her personal information.

I was caught in a lie, and I continued because I became very fond of her as a person and not just sexually. Hell, I wanted to give her oral sex just to prove that I could satisfy her, but I knew we would never have sex. But she was so genuine, so fun to chat with that I couldn't find a way to tell her or make her believe our relationship had become more than sex and talking about it.

I tried to stay close to her by revealing most of myself, my full name, phone, etc. and I sent her photos after she had sent some to me. I wanted to meet her in person, to do whatever I could to make it right and to stay her friend, even if it were only online.

I set up a meeting and we were both excited. To further the lie, I even hinted that I would like to have sex if she wanted to and if things worked out, knowing full well that it could not possibly happen. Then she reminded me of how her last boyfriend had used and hurt her and she asked me not to do the same.

But I realized that ultimately, I would, when the truth came out, so I cancelled our meeting. I was so ashamed that I didn't even have the courage to face her. I sent her an email, finally giving my age and trying to apologize, but knowing that I had wasted a chance for a truly wonderful friendship. It hurt her terribly. But I felt it was the only thing to do.

I have never lied that much in my life, nor realized that I could. I mistreated her, misled her, and betrayed her trust. Things a real friend would not do. I've never felt so ashamed for something I've done. My heart aches for what I did to her and how I hurt her.

So, to recap; I've learned a lesson about myself, and I encourage anyone who gets into an online relationship that you be honest and upfront from day one. It can't hurt to do so, when it's only on a page in front of you. And if you're lucky, you might just benefit from it; you might find a real friend, even if you aren't looking for one.