How To Kinky And Get More

You know, I voted for Kinky Friedman, figuring that after the run of governors I've not voted for, we just flat out needed some Kinky in the office. Now I've also heard a few of his songs and read a few of his books, the songs were strange and the books were a bit stranger so once I saw he was running for office, I knew he was the man. Now, now, settle down, Kinky is a fine man who I'm sure in his private life he gets real kinky, but when it comes to the public, he keeps his zipper pulled up and his kinks curled up in his hair. Unfortunately, in spite of the zipper and kink thing, he lost, finishing fourth in the race. The only hope we have now is if he runs for President.

So what does this have to do with kink? Well you got to read... this is the more. I bring you Kinky things and political commentary. What better bedfellows could we find? So beyond the semen stained dresses and lies about WMDs what else is there in this fucked up kinky world?

Where here's one for all us writers here at Literotica, sick bastards that we are:

Narratophilia

describes many of us, people who get aroused by telling sexual stories or jokes, or reading erotic stories or poems to our partners. In the great tradition of Mark Twain, James Thurber, Will Rogers and many others we tell wild and wonderful stories, only difference, we fucking get off to writing or telling our stories and poems. Just be careful the next time you read your stuff at the local Barnes and Noble, that tell-tale wet spot in your pants may give you away.

For those of you still remembering the nasolingus I discussed earlier, I bring you

Nasophilia

or arousal from the sight, touch, act of licking or sucking a partners nose. Okay, okay, calm down, some of this is not all that snotty, really. Consider the Eskimos who will rub noses when greeting someone, and the Sioux Indians who would rub noses to express affection. As for the licking or sucking it'

s not

something I want to discuss further here.

For all you "Six Feet Under" fans, our next kink takes you into some pretty dark places.

Necrophilia

takes us into the erotic attraction to corpses. While most of us have heard this term, the kink is a rare paraphilia. Some necrophiles will masturbate during funeral sermons or songs, while others will go as far as getting up close and personal with dead bodies.

As they might say on Monty Python, "And now for something completely different," we have

Normophilia

or the condition of being is sexual conformity with the religious and legal authorities in your area. Oh my, can we spell B O R I N G. Kind of makes you think of what they say about dieting: "If it tastes good, it's fattening." I guess there must be a corollary, "If it feels good it must be sinful." Okay, okay, before I get lynched by the Religious Right let me just say, "It's a fucking joke." Yeah, yeah, not a particularly funny joke, but it is a joke. Oh where is John Kerry when you need him? Last time I ask him for a joke to tell you.

So, when all of you are rounded up to watch me be lynched, just remember as you are jostled about, there are those among you who might be enjoying the crowds more than you are.

Ochlophilia

describes those who are sexually aroused by the presence of a crowd. This may include when they are involved in orgies or merely attending large gatherings where the performers or spectators are semi-nude and packed closely together. Some ochlophiles will take advantage of the crown and grope those around them. Historically, the church occasionally had problems when priests were traveling in and out of crowded train stations. The brushing up against and interaction within the crowd often led them to orgasm amid the over-stimulation. And to think preachers nowadays have to hire prostitutes.

Okay, so you like watching the action while you have sex, well you better not watch too closely, especially if your partner is into

Oculolinctus

or the sexual arousal from the act of licking your partner's eyeball. There have actually been several cases where a female had to lick an eyeball during sex in order to orgasm. Just have plenty of Visine handy and you got it made.

Well, for all you normophiles out there, take this:

Pecattiphilia

is the sexual arousal from sinning. This may also display itself as guilt. Hmm, feeling guilty? You fucking sick pecattiphile pervert. Yeah, you see, we all have our kinks.

No read carefully here and pay close attention to the spelling,

Pediophilia

is the sexual arousal some get from dolls. One case described a man who collected Barbie dolls and then pulled off their heads, shaved and swallowed them for sexual arousal. Damn and all along I thought it was all about Barbie's incredible breasts.

And now one for the ladies or gay guys,

Phallophilia

is the sexual attraction to an extremely large erect penis or to an erect penis with extraordinary endurance. And I guess if you have both it's a double phallophile's dream. Like the old joke said:

Guy: "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean."

Woman: "But only a fool would go to sea in a dingy."

And that readers and writers is but a sampling of the wonderful kink from N to P along with some other Kinky things. Have fun reading, writing and practicing some of this wonderful kink and remember, it's Kinky for President in 2008. It's high time we got Kinky in the White House again.

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Bibliography:

1.) Fernbach, Amanda

Fantasies of FETISHISM from Decadence to the Post-Human

2002 Rutgers University Press New Brunswick, NJ

2.) Love, Brenda

Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices

1999 Greenwich Editions, London.