Aftercare Matters

The Importance of Aftercare:

Aftercare is an essential part of the D/s dynamic and the responsibility for proper aftercare belongs to both Dom and sub equally. The purpose of this article is to introduce the idea and importance, however, in no way is it meant to be the consummate guide to all things aftercare. Trust and communication is key to any long-term relationship, be it vanilla or sprinkled with kink, so make sure you discuss with your partner exactly how aftercare and limits fit into your playtime. Concern for physical and mental health is integral to a healthy relationship and you may be surprised by how equally important the check-in, acknowledgement and comforting aspects are to both the Top and bottom of a scene.

Caring for your sub:

Of the Dominant, much is expected; you rule the room, your word is law and you must know which buttons to push and how hard to strike within a given situation. Consent for all aspects of a scene is a must, as are the conversations leading up to a play date in order to clarify limits, safe words and scheduling -- you never want to scene and split, this can be detrimental in numerous ways.

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After the last tremors of orgasm have run through their body. And you've released the methods of bondage from the evening's scene, you watch them retract from spread-eagle on the bed, to curling into the fetal position on their side, shuddering, shaking and still catching their breath.

The air is thick, the room is dark, and the music is low.

You know you'll need to turn up the light for an inspection, but for now you grab a bottle of water and gently rouse your sub. First, calling their name gently, waiting for a response and then lying down to embrace them silently. After a few moments they are ready for a drink and the fog seems to have lifted. Subspace is a very real and delicate thing so make sure your sub is fully conscious and firmly set back into the 3D world around them.

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What about psychological aftercare? Immediately reassure. Tell your sub they are loved, beautiful and important. When a scene includes humiliation or degradation, review for triggers before getting back to daily life. Then, a mental check in a day or two should help reconnect with your partner to discuss what worked and what didn't. Finally, make sure your sub knows if they need to talk about anything you are there and willing to listen.

Caring for your Dom:

Yes! Doms need aftercare too! Reconnecting with your Dom helps bring equality back into the room. You are two parts of a whole, right? Finding balance after an intense session is crucial to finding that comfort to share your truest feelings about the scene. After all, why do we play if not to enjoy O/ourselves?

Remember, the Dom sets the stage, They wield the whip and take upon Their shoulders the sanity and survival of Their partner. Psychologically- They must decide what limits to push, when its been 'enough' and pick up the pieces if it is ever becomes 'too much'.

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"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown." ~ W. Shakespeare "Henry IV"

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Appreciate your Dom! Acknowledge the hard work and energy that goes into a scene. First, offer hydration -- They just had a hell of a work out too! Second, give praise. You know you could never reach the heights of pleasure They bring you to on your own! And show your gratitude... be it through a sensual massage or performing oral sex. There should be time set aside that is just for Them. In days that follow your playtime, make sure you reiterate what you enjoyed and ways your Dom made you feel safe, secure and cared for, the reassurance that the scene was a success can mean a big boost to Their ego and self-worth so don't be stingy with the compliments! It may be difficult to have this conversation, especially when you are first starting out, so consider writing a letter or leaving a voice mail expressing your gratitude and acknowledging the fortitude and forethought that goes into a fulfilling scene.

Caring for A/all:

When we choose to become vulnerable with another person, it is a huge gift. From the first conversations about kink, to the scenes and after care that follow, it is vital to have trust, communication and mutual respect.