How to Find Mr. Right Now

There you are, staring in the mirror and wondering what went wrong. All your girlfriends are married, some for the second time, and have at least 2.5 kids. And here you are, still single in a married world. Why has the world done this to you? And better yet, how can you change it?

In today's virtual world, it isn't easy to find the right match. Everyone is in a hurry. Certainly, we act like we are responsible. We pay our bills and give to Katrina Relief. We eat at McDonald's but we only order the salads. We get our medical check ups regularly but then that is why God gave us medical insurance. But for some of us, somewhere on the road of life we hit a big fat Detour sign that lead us to All Aloneville.

No, it is not impossible to meet a great guy. Admittedly, most of them are now on the internet downloading porn and chatting with girls with improbable names like Chantilly Lace and Summer Breeze. These girls always have these stunning photos with long blonde air billowing behind them and these perfectly round and exceptionally large breasts, always bared. How can we, the average female, compete with these online goddesses?

It's very simple really. Pretend you are one.

1.) Make up a name that sounds like you are probably horny 90% of the time and undoubtedly totally in to giving head. Pearl Drops might work if the guy isn't too old and it reminds him of the teeth cleaner of the same name. Just remember that the name is the first step into creating the illusion. Think it over very carefully.

2.) Buy a Thesaurus. If you want to sound like a slut, you need to speak like one. Only a thesaurus can show you one hundred new and exciting ways to say "I want to suck your cock, big boy."

3.) Lie about your looks. It is very unlikely anyone cares what you really look like. The guys you meet online want to think you are a Playboy Centerfold with absolutely nothing to do but talk dirty to him. Make him believe the mystery.

4.) Lie about your age too. They want us all to be 23. If we were 23 years old, hot, big breasted and blonde, what the fuck would be doing online talking to them?

5.) Never give out your real name or location. You do not want the guy showing up at your work looking for Miss December 2002 and finding you.

6.) Remember if you are lying, so is he. How many men are there really out there with 9" or more? And unmarried at that, sometimes still living at home with mom and just happen to have a webcam set up so they can show you Mr. Woody.

7.) If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. There are plenty of chat sites online. Eventually you will find one that fits your personality. There are ones for the meek and mild virginal types all the way up to hardcore BDSM ones (my favorite haunts) . Find what you like and stick with it.

8.) Admittedly, a great number of men online are nerds in real life. So? You are alone and desperate. Do not forget your goal.

9.) When things start to feel right, you might be attempted to tell the truth. Make him go first.

10.) Webcams are fun but eventually he will ask for a face shot.

11.) Talking dirty is much easier when you are typing it and not actually saying it. You do not giggle as much when you type. And you also have the ability to use the backspace key rapidly to keep yourself from saying something you will regret. The backspace key is our friend.

12.) Never ask him about his marital status. He will not be honest. Of course, sometimes it is better to ask up front. I have had men advise me six months down that road that oh yeah, they forgot to mention they were married. That is a pretty large sin of omission, guys.

13.) If you keep it all online, it isn't real. It is virtual, baby. Nothing online is real. It is just a bunch of words flying around in cyberspace and landing unsuspectingly on some person's doorstep. I have seen people have nervous breakdowns over an IM. It is not worth losing sleep over, people. Real life is serious. Virtual life is not.

14.) Cyber sex can be damn good fun and not quite as intimidating as first time sex in the real world relationships. And it is also a great way to ease tension while waiting for Mr. Right to find you.

15.) There is no such thing as a Knight on a White Horse. Get over the fantasy and move on to the virtual. I have room on my keypad. My name is Honey Gold, I'm 23 and my measurements are 36x24x36....see you in cyber space!