How To F Your Daddy

Let me preface this tutorial by saying that fucking your daddy is illegal in the United States. In the state of New York it is a felony with a maximum penalty of four years in prison. So go to France where fucking your daddy is not illegal if you are an adult. The rules of this How-To Contest say, "We will not accept How-To submissions that teach people how to do acts that are illegal in the United States." So let me emphasize, I am NOT talking about your REAL daddy. No, I am talking about your PRETEND daddy. Your sugar daddy. An older man (anywhere from a day to seventy years older) who is NOT RELATED to you and wants to lavish you with furs, and jewelry, and cruises, etc. In return "daddy" wants you to play his little (but 18 or older) girl. Daddy wants you to play his little girl. Mostly his good little girl but one who is sometimes naught and deserves a spanking, among other things.

First off, it's very important how you appear to your daddy. Let's start with the hair. Pigtails are best. Daddy just loves to pull those when you are going down on him. If not pigtails, at least a ponytail. Give him something to grab hold with his hand while you grab hold of him with your mouth. Avoid the "bed head" look. Daddy might think you frequently do something in bed besides sleep. You want daddy to think that this is your first sexual relationship.

What to wear is essential. Daddy likes the school girl look best. A plaid miniskirt is a must. When daddy asks why is it so short just say, "I should have got it dry cleaned. The wool, ya know?" Don't forget the white thigh highs.

Let's talk about the lingerie. Don't show him the black/hot pink frilly cleavage-enhancing bra and matching Brazilian panty. No big old granny bra with a g-string. Go with your basic white 100% cotton. And don't let him wear your panties. Not the first time, anyway.

Sooner or later you'll get around to the sex. Probably sooner. The first time you see his cock exclaim, "It's so big!" Touch his penis reluctantly at first like you are afraid of it. But with a look of great interest bordering on a little excitement. Make that ultimately turn into a look of worship. Then giggle and say, "Daddy, your baby wants to lick a lollipop." Use your teeth and bite him a little like you never gave somebody a blow job before.

Make your daddy want it really bad. Delay his gratification which builds physical tension and emotional excitement. Lick his penis and then stop and run your fingers over his chest. Take him all in your mouth for a few moments and then stop again. No wait, don't take him all in your mouth. Even if you can deep-throat big black cock. He might think you're a little too talented for a rookie. Take about half of what you really could do in your mouth as you tickle his testicles with your hair.

When daddy cums let him do it in your mouth. But gag a little and you must spit. If you swallow, daddy will know this isn't the first cock you ever sucked. But promise daddy you will try to swallow the next time.

So much for fellatio. Now let's discuss something important. Right—cunnilingus. You can't just blurt out, "Eat me, Daddy!" You need to drop hints so that he thinks it's his idea. In casual conversation use phases like, "beaver dinner, carpet munching, muff diving, yodeling in the canyon, flipping the bean, and tickling the bearded clam."

After your daddy gets you off at least three times it's time for sexual intercourse. But don't seem eager. You should act afraid, very afraid. Practice saying, "But I'm a virgin!" with a straight face over and over. And don't you dare suggest sexual positions. Daddy is going to get suspicious if you display considerable knowledge of the Kama Sutra. Just lay on your back and spread your legs and do it missionary. Chant "Oh baby, oh baby" over and over. It's like counting sheep. When you get to a thousand fake an orgasm.

If you don't think you can fake an orgasm convincingly, then use some V power. When daddy is on top of you in the missionary position, make a V with your first two fingers and place them around your vagina such that his penis slides in and out between them. Daddy will love the feel of your fingers on his dick and you will love the feel of your fingers on your clitoris.

Those are the basics. Now we'll cover some related issues in a little more detail.

Do not clean house for your daddy. You start picking up everything and doing his laundry and such he'll think he is going to fuck his mother instead of his (pretend) daughter. And if he thinks of you as his mother instead of his daughter you'll get some stupid plant you can't even smoke for a present instead of diamond earrings.

Don't tell your daddy his hair smells like the inside of a baseball hat. Especially if it does even after it's freshly washed. Just pass on one of your products that says "fragrance" in the ingredients. This means the scent is concentrated and will last longer. If that doesn't work, fill his shampoo bottle with Bain Douche Biologique.

Be prepared how to deal with any embarrassing situations that might give daddy a limp dick before you get the opportunity to make it limp yourself. For example, if you stink up his bathroom and can't find any air freshener handy, make a joke about it. Say something like, "Hey, shit happens."

Let's talk about talk. Yes, conversation. Watch how you talk to your daddy. Continually utter the word that drives him nuts. Right, the word "Daddy." Just hearing it is an aphrodisiac to him. And talk about subjects that interest your daddy. Besides sex. Talk about sports. If your daddy doesn't like sports then he is probably gay and shouldn't be your daddy in the first place. If your daddy is a hick mick from Scotland, talk about Rangers. If your daddy is from Cleveland talk about the Dog Pound. If your daddy is a Yankees fan talk about steroids and how little those dude's dicks must be compared to your daddy's.

Viagra (or similar product). Need I say more on this subject? Make sure he is adequately stocked at all times. It doesn't matter what fucking color the pills are. What matters is the fucking.

We should probably touch upon your daddy's family. If your daddy has a son your own age fuck him too. And tell Daddy you did but assure him that father sows best. If it's a daughter, inform her in intimate detail of your college days as a LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation). And now for the most difficult aspect of family relations. Right—Daddy's mommy. Suggest the old battleaxe give you cooking lessons. Then, when you're chopping cucumbers and she is whacking them with a vengeance while complaining that her husband still wants sex, offer to serve as a surrogate.

Even if the old battleaxe does give you a few pointers, don't use them on your daddy. No, you don't want to cook for him. You want Daddy to take you to expensive French restaurants. Say things to your daddy like, "Daddy, if you take me to Le Domaine de Lintallic I'll make your meat loaf" as you playfully fondle his crotch. That particular restaurant is in Paris and you better throw in playing the skin flute a dozen times if you expect to go there.

If your daddy has a fragile ego, make sure you don't deflate it. You should be more interested in inflation. If it should happen that Daddy doesn't get you off while you're screwing don't ever say, "That's okay, Daddy, I'll just finish the job myself." And if your daddy is a slow learner just grin and bear it and think of you and your vibrator later rather than hand him a pen and paper and tell him to take notes. This is important too—don't refer to your hand by sexy nicknames like "Pussy Tamer."

Daddy likes to buy presents for nice little girls. For nice girls who make Daddy happy. So occasionally in conversation with Daddy refer to yourself as "Princess" or "Daddy's Princess." Soon enough Daddy will start calling you Princess. Daddy will naturally want to lavish gifts on Princess. When Daddy buys you a gift, even if it's not what you want, say something like, "Oh Daddy, thank you! You make me so happy! And when you make me happy I want to make you happy. But I don't have any money to buy you a nice gift. Tell me Daddy, what can Princess do to make you happy?" Don't worry, something will come up.

This opens the avenue to the wonderful world of shopping with Daddy's money. Sure, he might come shopping with you to Victoria's Secret, but that just about covers his interest in retail. So, when he comes home from work, some sighs from you, rolling of the eyes, and a general listless demeanor are in order. Soon Daddy will be asking, "What's wrong, Princess? Is my little Princess unhappy? Come and tell Daddy. Come sit on my lap and tell Daddy what's making Princess so sad." No tears at this time, save them for special occasions. But, sadly and a little quietly, tell Daddy about your day at the mall with your girlfriends. And how you saw this flamenco-style Behnaz Sarafpour gown for only $535 and how your girlfriends all said how gorgeous you'd look wearing it. And how you were thinking how your daddy would like to see you wearing it and how happy that would make you. But you're sad because this month you just can't afford to buy it so you'll have to wear the same old rags. This tactic will often only work if your daddy is older. Use this sparingly, only for important items, and occasionally for things Daddy actually likes.

Maybe your daddy wants to be told what to do. If so, say things like, "On your knees and bark like a dog! Oh yeah, that's good. Now let me see that big doggy tongue. Now look where I'm putting the whipped cream. Does the daddy doggy want to lick it off?" Maybe your daddy wants to be punished before he is made happy. If so, say something like, "You're such a bad daddy! I really want my daddy to make me happy, but I can't make my daddy happy because he's been so bad and I'm so disappointed. So Daddy you are just going to have to watch me make myself happy. But all the time I'll be wishing it was you, Daddy."

Mostly you should be a good little girl for your daddy but once in awhile you should be bad. At those opportune naughty moments look real guilty when Daddy comes home. And say something like, "Oh Daddy, I've been bad. So-o-o-o bad. I used your razor to shave my legs." Then lift your skirt so he can just barely see the edge of your white 100% cotton panties. "Don't they look smooth though, Daddy? Go ahead, feel them." After he does and his eyes light up with some passing interest, turn around and lift your skirt up over your panties and bend over and cry, "Spank me, Daddy!"

Your daddy will like to play fun and games with his little girl. Daddy likes to play with schoolgirls, nurses, female cops, and even female proctologists. But the best game is lap dance. Then you get to dance around in your scanties in front of your daddy, but he's not allowed to touch. All he can do is put some $20 bills in your panties. $200 easy for thirty minutes. And maybe make Daddy happy after the music stops. But that's more $20 bills, many more. Hide and seek is a good game too. You take Daddy's credit card and go shopping for new shoes at the mall. When you come back with a dozen pair then Daddy gets to hide something. Just not in your back door. We'll get to that.

Here's one other tidbit before we get to the coup de grace (anal sex). When you are riding the crimson wave, make sure you let Daddy know that all is not lost for three or four days. Say things like, "Oh Daddy, when Aunt Flow comes to visit I so much want to show her my pearl necklace." If he doesn't get that hint get a banana and peel it.

And now for anal sex. Now you know Daddy is going to want that, but he's probably going to be afraid to mention it because he doesn't want you to think that he's a dirty old man. Because you are so clearly an anal virgin. And you have never even heard of such a disgusting practice. So YOU bring the subject up. Right after making Daddy very, very happy. Just as he is falling asleep. Say something like, "Daddy, I heard some girls at the mall talking today. They were talking about using the back door for sex. I wasn't sure what they meant. Could they mean about getting their boyfriend's thing in their pooh tube? Surely that can't be right. It's so disgusting. And it would be sore!" That will wake him up. And that's when you fall asleep.

This carrot can be dangled for several days, even perhaps weeks. Your curiosity seemingly gradually overtaking your reluctance to Daddy. Eventually, after you have made Daddy very, very happy, tell him you'd like to try it in your back door. But you say so sweetly that you hope he won't think any less of you for suggesting it. And you'll quite understand if he doesn't want to. But you'd be so grateful if he does. Obviously the first time you have got to let him know it hurts, really hurts, but for him to keep on if he's enjoying it. He won't stop. But never, ever, appear too keen to open the back door. Familiarity breed contempt, and if Daddy has to work hard to overcome your reluctance now and then, it will never become familiar. Oh, and this is where you mention a cruise.

The world is full of guys who want to be your daddy. And if any girl has had a daddy but lost him, not to worry. Any Friday night, the right sort of bar, the demure dress and the little-girl-lost look, and hey presto! Another daddy!

Now go get yourself a daddy and fuck him! If you already have a daddy, fuck him better!

One more thing—Daddy's last will and testament. Be in it.