How To Be At The Right Place

(Editor's Note: this is an article about appreciating willing exhibitionists. We do not support invading anyone's privacy. Fantasies are fantasies, but in real life, we advise you to always mind other people's boundaries and your local laws.)

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If any of you are voyeurs like me and are those who appreciate exhibitionistic women, then this story is for you.

Ah, spring is in the air and women have replaced their long goose down coats and corduroy pants with short skirts and low cut tops. Soon the heat of the summer will inspire more revealing clothes and bikinis and thongs are just a heat wave away. It's good to see the female form again after such a long wintry hibernation. I love seeing the forbidden flash of flesh and peek-a-boo peeks of feminine body parts, especially those that I wasn't supposed to see. Oops!

The problem with being a voyeur is we are seldom at the right place at the right time to see the upskirts, downblouses and/or wardrobe malfunctions. It takes surprising situations of serendipity to be at the right place at the right time to see the right things that we all hope to see. How many times have you seen a photo or a video and said I wish I had been there to see that? Ah, so many women and so little time. Undeniably, as frustrated voyeurs, we miss more voyeuristic opportunities than we see.

Do you remember all those Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Tara Reed photos of them not wearing panties? How about those sex tapes that they all denied making but somehow surfaced and made the Internet? It makes you wonder how the Paparazzi happened to be at the right place at the right time so often, but in actuality they're not.

There are literally thousands of Paparazzi reporters who stalk celebrities while patiently waiting outside of restaurants, homes, nightclubs, and hotels for hours and days to hopefully get the money shot. How boring it is to sit in a cold car night after night while waiting for a celebrity to do something naughty. It's not as glamorous a job as it's cracked up to be.

And let's face it there are only so many dressing room security camera attendant jobs to go around. Believe me; I tried snagging one of those jobs. Besides, the voyeuristic benefits of the job far out weigh the hourly wage of that position. By the way, my sexual discrimination lawsuit is still pending against the hospital for not hiring me as a technician in their mammography department.

Fortunately, for voyeurs everywhere, with the advent of the Internet and faster video cards to take advantage of faster computers, we now have graphically explicit voyeuristic videos. From the time of the first silent black and white movies to the XXX porn movies in sleazy theatres to high definition instant videos on your home computer, we definitely are a spoiled bunch of perverts because after a while even videos aren't enough and always our sexually appetites want more.

Instead of watching the accidental exposure second hand on video, if only there was a way we could be there to actually see it and experience it with our own eyes as it happened, that would be special. If only we could fly through space and time to always be there at that very moment when a panty or bra or nipple or pussy is exposed. If only we could be the proverbial fly on the wall to see the voyeuristic opportunities as they unfold and while they happen. Alas, if only...

Well, now there is a way where we can experience it all as it happens. Unbelievably as it sounds fellow voyeurs, now there is a way we can innocently enjoy our voyeuristic preoccupations without arousing the suspicions of women and without women thinking us perverted. Oh, baby! Life is good. Finally, there is a win/win situation for us to view our own voyeur video in the privacy of our bathroom, I mean, home.

Just as there is accident reconstruction when someone is in a fatal automobile accident and crime scene reconstruction when there is a murder, now there is video voyeur reconstruction. I have assembled a highly skilled team of professionals to realistically reconstruct upskirts, downblouses, wardrobe malfunctions and more to view with our own eyes as they unfold and as they happen. Moreover, as a public voyeur unselfish service, I'm sharing complete, detailed instructions as to how you, too, can have your own video voyeur reconstruction team or VVRT for short.

This is what you need to begin furthering your voyeuristic passion while helping women kind the world over protect themselves from being video voyeured. (It's crazy, I know, but they fall for it every time. Thank God women are so easy, kind of, not really, not at all.)

First, neatly make up two signs using a big, bold, black magic marker with the letters, 'VVRT' and the words in smaller printing 'video voyeur reconstruction team' in a circle that surrounds the letters VVRT. I use colored construction paper with heavy black magic marker, the one the writes in heavy thick black indelible ink. Now, tape that to your car doors, both doors.

Then, so as not to wash away in the rain, I cover the construction paper signs with Seran wrap and duct tape the corners so that it doesn't blow off the car as I'm quickly driving from video voyeur reconstruction scene to video voyeur reconstruction scene. It looks professional, kind of in a grammar kid art school sort of way, much (almost) like those official signs on the car doors of network news vehicles.

For those of you who have a graphic arts background you can make a more professional appearing sign with your computer. Matter of fact, I even took my old Direct TV dish antennae and glued it to the roof of my car. Now, my 1972 Ford Pinto station wagon looks like a real news van, kind of.

Now, if you want to record this to playback later, you need a video camera. Of course, you could approach your video voyeur victim without a video camera but she wouldn't take you seriously, would think you creepy, and it would no longer be called a video voyeur reconstruction team but just voyeur reconstruction team. So, a video camera is really critically crucial to have, necessary actually, to accomplish your mission, which is to video voyeur women in all manner of undress.

Next you need a tape recorder with a microphone. To be honest, after springing for the construction paper, magic marker, and video camera, I needed to conserve on the expense of a tape recorder so I borrowed my niece's Fisher Price tape recorder. It looks a bit eccentric, foolish actually, with the colorful plastics that they use and the red microphone, but the thing really records and it has a strap so that you can wear it over your shoulder.

Lastly, it really helps if you have identification to show exposed women that you are on official VVRT business. Do you remember when the Three Stoogies pretended to be news people and they borrowed the faucet handles from the men's room that read 'Press', well that was funny, it was tacky. Since this is 2008, most women aren't that gullible unfortunately, therefore we need to look more professional to not only be taken seriously but also to gain the trust of our victims, I mean, women to be interviewed.

I suggest you take a piece of your heavyweight construction paper and copy the logo that appears on your car doors, only make them smaller. Duct tape one to your baseball cap. It doesn't matter if you have a dreaded New York Yankees baseball cap or a beloved Boston Red Sox baseball cap, either will work. Just cover whichever logo with your homemade VVRT patch. Now, make a second VVRT patch to duct tape to your shirt or jacket taking care not to cover any of your VVRT logo with duct tape.

There, you look the part. Now, you look like an official VVRT reporter. I wear my blue blazer, the one with the gold buttons whenever I go out on a video voyeur reconstruction. My VVRT patch looks official on that jacket.

Let's do a recap and list what you need.

1. You need a couple sheets of heavyweight construction paper, any color will do. Although to be immediately recognized as video voyeur reconstruction team member we should decide on a universal color. How about red?

2. You need a black magic market the kind that writes really thick.

3. Seran wrap

4. Duct tape

5. A video camera

6. A tape recorder

7. An old, discarded Direct TV dish antennae

Now, you are ready to interview women who have had an accident of exhibitionism that you have missed. Once we get more voyeurs to start more video voyeur reconstruction teams we'll have a movement across the country and all over the world. Soon much like the Ghostbuster white ambulance station wagon everyone will recognize our vehicles and women will be calling to ask us to interview them and to reconstruct and videotape their voyeuristic faux pas. Wow!

I've already been on a few scenes with my Video Voyeur Reconstruction Team. One was at the mall. We interviewed a woman who had been voyeured as she was walking up the escalator while wearing a short dress. It's shocking the lengths that some perverts will go just to see some beautiful woman's panties.

To reconstruct the voyeur crime scene, we asked her to stand on the escalator and to lean just a little bit forward while my cameraman sat behind her on the steps videotaping her from the angle that the pervert used to record her panties with his cell phone. Once, she saw our VVRT logo she was happy to cooperate with the knowledge that maybe by showing our video of her panties on the Internet that it may help another beautiful woman from having herself voyeured and her panties videotaped. Ah, life is good.

I gotta go. I just received a call that a secretary was voyeured when her boss looked down her top as she was talking on the telephone and she wants us to recreate that special moment, I mean that voyeur crime scene and preserve it on video. I think she's planning a sexual harassment law suit.

Hey, admittedly it's a nasty business but someone has to do it.