Forever Alone's Guide

After my exile from my home to study the dull career of computer programming, I've been overexposed to the internet trolling and the quite side of living the bachelor's life. For me it was weird to image that some people couldn't blossom as I did, but some people just won't shut up about how its SOOO hard to find anyone. This is list for that "Forever Alone" guy that seems to have it all but can't use any of it. This list is for the guy who is nice, shy, kind but never seemed to get his break. This list is for that amateur looking for love or just a girl for the night.

This list is more about the stories I had in my long-lived short life, a collection of success and failures, but more importantly a collection of lessons. I'm not a miracle worker dammit, and if something like "so.....you wanna go to a motel?" can be spewed from your mouth (like it did from mine that one time) then this list is the LEAST of your priorities. I don't claim to know anything and this I purely made on my own experience and this doesn't mean I'm right or you're wrong. If you get a laugh or a little spark of knowledge, then I'm glad to be of service. If you are offended or disgusted by this, send me a letter and ill make sure to file it in a round filing cabinet along with my expired milk carton.

1) There are no boundaries. None! All the limitations and excuses we make don't exist. It's all in our minds. Age, position, class, relationship status, don't matter. It took me some time to understand this concept even thou Gustavo, my manager at my old job and my best bud Freddy kept telling me this. It hit me after I had a random conversation with a girl online, and was confirmed after approaching a girl who seemed miles out of my league. It's hard to explain this concept, especially to a pessimistic person because it truly depends on your own self-worth.

I was randomly wasting my time on the internet laying in the sea otter position with my laptop, as all my stuff was in storage or sold to pay the rent and tuition, and my true life calling slowly drifting away, and I was chatting with a random girl. Random bullshit, and then the topic switched to sex like it tend to do on that website. We shared some dialog and some experiences, I don't quite recall how, we started to describe in detail how we would "service" each other. One hot sexting session later, she was already offering me to come to Dallas and spend the week, and I quote, "fucking her brains out". Alas I had to refuse, as I had a job interview in the morning, but we'll keep in touch till next time.

This made me wonder, if it was in fact that simple? In high school I wasn't the football jock that went to parties and got laid. I was the geeky nice guy who hung out with in the small clique of good friends with mutual interest where we all complained about not getting laid, not having jobs, and similar teenage bullshit. And then comes this hot, five ten brunette who digs your style, and guess what, even after your friends tell you "she's out of your league, she's too hot, she's too smart, she's never even talk to you, she probably has a man, she's two years older then you" ends up "inviting you up for some tea". So to your standards, and boundaries, and limitations, I say nay! Nay I tell ya! Too bad that Maria had I different career in mind and left, but I wish her all the best, where ever she maybe now. I just hope she remembers me.

2) Things are A LOT simpler then we think. The best plans are the simplest ones. When things get complicated, things go wrong. Don't plan to go to meet your friend at a party where he might or might not invite his buddies' girlfriends' friend, and then blamed the aforementioned friend for not inviting her. Don't think that every girl in the radius is married or taken. Don't think girls have super complex password lock on their panties that only comes off if you submit to their every whim. Don't think you have to be a millionaire playboy basketball rockstar model to hook up with a girl. And don't think girls don't want sex (see entry 9).

Things are simple, and they don't need to be complicated. People tend to over-think too much and try to predict and prepare for everything, which is in fact impossible. That's actually the reason my roommate still can't get laid, and that bastard has some of the best openers and conversations started. Too bad that after about a day talking him you feel like shooting yourself in the face. Maybe that's why he is 29 and still can't get laid. Sure Oleg, you CHOOSE to be a virgin and don't trust women.

The best plans are the simplest ones. "Hey, I had a nice chat with you, how about we grab dinner and talk more in a quieter place?" or even "Damn girl you a fine dancer, how 'bout I we head up to the club on Saturday night, show me some of yo moves". Then you await her response and then your build your schematics. If "Yes" then comes the digits and plans are made (see entry 11). If "No" then comes your next move (see entry 13, 16). It's not rocket science, you are two adults looking to spend time together, and I don't understand why it has to be so hard.

3) Never back her into a corner, but always try to manipulate her answer to what you want. No pressure, there is always a way out and she must always feel that she is in charge whether she is or not. This is where the introductory story comes. It's one thing being pushy and another just being creepy, and it's a fine line for some people if humor isn't you cup of tea.

At this house party I meet a young blonde girl and we hit it off well. Both into music, starting to work in the IT sphere and after the initial introductions and rules of the conversations (see rule 17) we went out to get some cigs. Ironically enough it took some time to find anything open as that damn mountain town seems to stop living after 10pm, the time when I woke up and got ready to go out, on a Saturday mind you. That's where the moves were made, tensions created, and numbers and plans exchanged. She wasn't drunk enough and I wasn't sober enough for me to make my move but some failed results followed, but none compared to the ultimate fail when we went out for a quick beer run.

As stated before, I turned to her and asked "so....you wanna go to a motel" to which she responded "what for?" and me leaning in for a kiss. If that wasn't creepy enough let's take into fact that she was in a parked car on a random unknow street, after we found out that there is no alcohol after 12 in this damn mountain town, and she is miles away from the party alone with some guy she met 3 hours and half a bottle of vodka earlier. Yeah I'm surprised Alexa even looked at me in the eyes after we got back to the party. I'm sure many of you are either on the floor laughing at my stupidity or shaking you head in disappointment. Either way, yeah, I know.

4) Slow down all your movements and speech about 50 percent. Always pay attention to your posture. Straighten out your back, keep your head up high and keep that "damn I'm sexy" look on at all times. Some say "Dress as if you are going to get laid today" I say you can get laid with a T shirt that say "I have herpies" if you keep a proper attitude about it (if someone actually tries that, it would be epic). First rule to white guy class (not swag, swag is for dudes, class is for men) is confidence. It's easier to drive smooth at a slower speed, and it is pointless to drag race if you crash into a pole seconds after, with your new BMW that your thrifty father finally let you buy on craigslist with your own cash. Same applies here in terms of control.

Walking slow with your back straightened shows you are presenting yourself at all times. Talking slower is always more understandable and nicer to the ear then blasting away your entire day like a minigun to your best friend who is playing Call of Duty and can only respond with "yeah, cool story bro". If you can show class and posture while running, and can rap like Busta Rhymes in your everyday conversations then my hat is off to you. Also, remember that face when you are dressed for an interview, in this new Armani suit and your hair is just right and you can actually taste the gum after the excessive amount of mouthwash it took to clean up that motorbreath from smoking a pack of spirits yellow? Yeah, that face, where you just want to go "Yeah, I'd fuck this". Try to keep that face everywhere you go. Just don't forget your "I got herpies" t shirt.

5) Remember, you are the prime candidate, just like during a job interview; you are what she wants and needs. You are great and at your prime, whether she believes it or not. As long as you believe it, then it is true. This was truer at an actual interview for me rather than a metaphor for ones love life, but it stands true none the less.

"Hey John, listen I didn't realize you only had 2 years of experience and jeezs.....what are you like 19, 18?" is what a recruiter asked me over the phone after our initial swap of papers and expectations. "But listen, after reading your experience and what you did at your company, that's exactly what they are looking for, I mean talk about young blood, ill schedule an interview with the manger, I think he's gonna love you". Indeed, I was exactly what they wanted, but not what they were looking for. The other candidates had over 8 years of experience and a college rep sheet, while I faked finishing highschool and was too lazy to go to college because my band finally took off.

If the same winning spirit came to me while I tried to ask out Jackie then maybe I wouldn't have just sat by and watched as some half backed short douchebag with a "My Chemical Romance" T shirt come and take her away to McDonalds for a "date". I mean, Jackie....why? We could have had it all! I thought I wasn't good enough for her and always had a low marking for myself especially for Jackie, but after seeing what kind of shit she settled for, it was quite a shame to see that I in fact WAS the prime candidate over that emo douchebag.

6) Its about trying not about succeeding. Never leave with the thought "what if I did that". Always try, no matter what. Even if you don't succeed, at least you tried. I'm sure many guys compared this rule to baseball, but frankly baseball is dull as hell to watch for me. I'd rather compare it to beer. Beer has always been a good catalyst to starting something, even if dangerous at times (see rule 20) but it always led to some kind of story. This brings me back to two examples of "what if..." scenarios.

When I was in 8th grade, the word leaked out that I had a mad crush on this hot blonde in my drama class. I don't know how the female clothes work, but you could see her panty line from across the room when she got up to do improve. What if I talked to her, what if I asked her out, what if instead of deny that I like her I said "yeah, what of it", what if? What tortured me even more was that she was in EVERY one of my highschool classes freshman year, and I couldn't escape this damn "what if" feeling.

In senior year however, when my buddies and I finally started a band after talking about it for such a long time, it happened. During one of our lunchtime gigs I saw a rocker chick with blue highlights in the crowd watching our show. I saw her around the school and was intrigued before, but now she was here in front of me. Inspired by the power of rock and roll and after blazing through my finish solo along with finishing the set, I saw.....that she was gone. Fuck.....not again, not this time. I ask my buddies to cover and I chase after her with my guitar still in on me. I find her near my English class and bust the cheesiest line ever. "Hi, im John, I don't know who you are, but I think you are awesome". And yes, it worked. She guest appeared in our band and I was at her house when her dad was out working the next week. She had a thing for incents, and I had a thing for her big boobs, so it worked out well.

Don't let "what if" be your life. I came out to Marsha at our graduations (well, her graduation because I didn't graduate on stage or at all for that matter) and told her about the misunderstanding and how I felt about her. As for Stephanie, she dumped me 3 weeks after and last time I checked was taking it up the ass from my "friend" Diego. But I got no regrets; I let that play it how it did. At least I tried.

7) Lying is acceptable if you can back it up. Telling the truth is the best form of a lie. It's best not to lie, but if it becomes necessary, then make sure it sounds convincing. If people don't believe the truth and rather hear a lie, then you're better of telling people what they want.

The best liar is not the one that practice but the one that almost never lies. Keeping the story straight is important, and yes, you can claim to be a Hollywood producer who's casting women to be in his new blockbuster film, but you better have a greenscreen and a camera at home to back it up, or keys to Universal back-lot if you know people.

Hell, even my fake id had my real name and date of birth (except the year of course) just to make sure that my story was straight. Women or anyone for that matter don't like to be lied to their faces (or at least by an amateur). Lie at your own risk. I screw up a relationship because she didn't believe the truth when I finally stopped lying. Her loss I guess.

8) Treat her like your little sister. You like her but don't really care. You choose to hang around her, and although you have interested and are willing to listen and accept her opinion and voice, she needs to listen to you. Mind you, I'm all for women's rights even though I have been called a misogynist by some on my ex's. If you are a feminist, it your right to think and say what you please, but I'd be damned if you tell me not to think or say what I please. There are women who like to be on top, in fact Tani liked that a lot, but when it came to paying for meals, and opening doors, guess who had to do that? I like that feisty attitude she brought along with her to the table (or rather the bed), but when it came down to doing something she couldn't do, I had my fun pointing it out to her, with SOME restraint of course. If you truly believe in equality and want an exact split in power and all that good stuff, then again, I salute you. While you do that I plan to head over to my local club or bar and try my luck in the "real" world.

9) Remember, you DON'T want sex, she wants sex. Women are freaks. They want it more than men, and yes, they watch porn and dream of being in a gangbang. When pushing for sex your doing both you and her favor. I'm sure we all heard women talking about the whole "unfair" comparison when they have a lot of sex they are called sluts wile dude are called studs. I'm also sure we all heard that a key that opens many doors is a master key, and a door that opens to any key, is.....a slut. There is nothing wrong with that though, I don't agree fully with man-whoring or even woman-whoring at times (see entry 13), but we all got a sexdrive and it is pointless to think otherwise.

During my time with a lady of the evening, this was more apparent than ever. Andy was like a bank teller, always happy and helpful in every step of the way, and upon seeing her on the street you wouldn't even guess what she does for a living with her look and attitude. Now there was a woman that loved her job. Not exactly the lustful temptress I expected from an escort, but more like a friend that let you borrow her gameboy during class while the teacher wasn't looking. What really gave it away was when she asked to stick an eight inch dildo in her ass while I was doing her doggy style (subtle, I know). But it's a good feeling to know someone "got off" on you, once with you on top and again with a self double penetration. She gave me a backrub afterwards as well just to seal the deal. I still think she looks like a chubby version of Katy Perry. Very classy, even offered me a shower when we finished.

Another noteworthy incident I can recall was with the stripper Elena (see previous body of work). She rocked my world in that private room, and if she still worked at that club I would have gladly came back for some helping of that Ukrainian hottie! In a place like that I managed to find someone like her and share a moment of passion, and not have to pay with money or emotional baggage. Not only was it amazing, it was the only thing real that I could find in that place. Still glad I didn't get herpies or found out I got a kid somewhere in Dallas.

10) The less you care the better. The more you say you ignore her, the better. I see it as an art form. Not caring forces the other person to step into your category and to contribute time and attention. I'm sure we all came to a situation where a cute girl liked you and was willing to do anything for you, while you were ready to be stepped on by Carrie and her high heels while she completely ignored you but for some reason always seems to talk to you. Even though Brittany was nice and caring and everything a normal guy can settle for, I wanted Carrie, the "no nonce" heavy metal chick, always displaying her allegiance with her low cut "Megadeth" t shirt, and eyeliner that would make covergirl blush. Why? Because she was the dream, she was the display model, the first place prize. Without make up and deep in her studies she was a normal girl and if we would be in a relationship this hot rocker chick persona would fade and the novelty of "yeah, I tapped that" does wear off. It was the fact that she presented herself as that and cared less, while Brittany was at my feet ready for me to change my mind and come to her, which I never did (see entry 13)

11) Discuss plans and activities like you would in a car dealership. Don't settle for less. You want more at the best price, and if not, then you're walking out right now. You don't want a coffee date and maybe a kiss on the check, you want to take her somewhere nice and get laid after. You have a deal for her and you will not take "No" for an answer, like wise if you are discussing favors and you want her to do something for you.

When I was hanging around Erin, which to this day I can't forgive myself for, I learned that you can and will become what the woman wants. God I can't believe I had to sit there and tell that dumb bitch that I'm NOT driving to Hollywood to help her pick up coke and weed from her dealer. What's worse is that I agreed to it after receiving the WORST blowjob in history. Yes guy, I know there is no such thing as a bad blowjob, but trust me I was most dissatisfied with a girl sucking my dick. What's worse is that I stuck around through her terrible music and her retarded white girl ebonics for some second base action and bought her smokes for plans for anal. I think I struck a new low when I smoked that cig with her and made out with that ashtray of a mouth. Luckily I had enough self respect to say no and just stopped talking to her (see rule 13). That however doesn't excuse the fact that I let her break me and make me do her biding.

12) Don't ACTUALLY ignore her. Always keep a link, but keep it at your terms. Keep trying and if needed, give up some ground when necessary. That's the mistake so many of us make: not talking to a girl like you're mad at her, avoiding her, or just plain out rudely ignoring her. That's NOT how it's done. You tell a girl that you are going to ignore, like you don't think you have enough time or that you're making time for her especially. Send her a text out of nowhere acting aloof while not responding to her texts. Reject her plans for lunch or whatever "friendzone" plans she might be building. You ask her and if she even hesitates, say it's ok or that you will find someone else, and act like you don't care while giving her multiple opportunities to say yes and still keeping friendly relationship.