Dear Mistress Snow,
"I love my wife. She is my best friend. I don't want to be here on Lit. I want to be on her clit. She turns away from me in bed. Sometimes I hear her crying. Help me, please." Lonely in London
Hi Lonely,
This is my story. I haven't had intercourse in more than 10 years. Am I singing the blues? Hell no. Ever heard of "outercourse?" If your woman is in pain during sex. STOP.
Imagine giving an orgasm by softly kissing her hip bone. Or, from no physical touch at all. Yes, it is absolutely possible.
The first time I tried to have sex after cancer treatment (surgery and radiation for rectal cancer), it felt like knives in my vagina. The pain shocked me. It scared both me and my now ex-husband. We never tried again. He had no awareness or concern about my pleasure.
I am not saying that lack of sex led to the end of my marriage, but it certainly didn't help. My physical condition and my then husband's lack of desire meant no sex for either of us.
He wasn't interested in me sexually, period. I never cheated (it never even occurred to me). My sexuality just went dormant instead. And I went about getting divorced and living on my own.
Painful sex is a common issue for women.
Medical treatment isn't the only issue that cause incredibly painful intercourse. Researchers have identified a little-known, but common condition called vestibulodynia which makes "any sort of vaginal penetration so painful, women who have it find having sex difficult, or in some cases, impossible."
Anywhere from four to 28 percent of women ages 20 to 40 suffer from it. If you've ever had painful sex, read on.
Some women in the study reported they "don't feel like true women because they can't have sex." They think about their condition a lot. The stress of it can actually contribute to the pain, creating a vicious cycle.
Many women with this problem allow their sexual desires to go dormant rather than talk to their partners about it openly. Why? Because some men are less than sympathetic and claim she is just "making up an excuse." It seems near impossible for men to imagine sex being painful.
"Her sexual desire went dormant?" they ask me. "How is that even possible?"
Vaginal pain causes shame and feelings of loneliness.
A deep feeling of inadequacy often results when vaginal penetration is painful. After all, it's hardly a topic you're likely to bring up at the weekly happy hour.
Many women believe they're "fine" living a life without sex. They may pour themselves into creative projects at work, home or in their community. Driven for success in other areas of life, women try to fill a gaping pleasure gap in their lives.
Pleasure? Yes, pleasure. While the painful vagina situation mystifies scientists, that doesn't mean that pleasure in general is off-limits. In fact, waking up your body to physical pleasure, without any vaginal participation at all, is mind-numbingly delicious.
I had no idea that my sex life could become more exciting than ever, even though my vagina is forever closed for business.
Pleasure is the key to happiness.
Pleasure is fabulous. Pleasure is individual. Pleasure is accessible. If intercourse is painful (whether due to medical conditions, menopause or psychological blocks) experiencing pleasure is still a choice.
Following these three steps will encourage a woman to check her arousal potential. Remember — her orgasmic future is in your hands. I wonder if she would read this and talk to you about it.
Every Non Orgasmic Woman Needs This Pleasure Audit - This exactly how I talk to women who have given up on sex.
Step 1: Explore your beliefs about your own right to experience pleasure.
How does this article make you feel? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Living with painful sex is heavy to bear all by yourself. Do you wonder if a man will ever choose you if you can't have intercourse? Do you want to solve this issue? Are you willing to explore your own body to see if pleasure exists that doesn't hurt?
