Dear Younger Me

What follows are a series of notes - written to myself - regarding submitting stories to Literotica.

If you are a new writer, you may find something here that you can use. Honestly, I hope all of your comments and emails are filled with constructive criticism, helpful suggestions, and mountains of praise. If that is your lot, good on you!

BTW, every one of these entries is related to comments I have, actually, received. I'm not making this shit up.

---= [ Executive Summary ] =---

(aka "Idioms worth remembering ..")

Dear Me:

Don't sweat the little things.

They're all little things.

As the old saying goes, "Opinions are like assholes - everybody's got one."

My corollary: Unless you're a proctologist, don't spend too long looking at it.

---= [ Feedback ] =---

Dear Me:

Emails and comments - all of the feedback you receive - it's going to be a mixed bag. There are going to be days when everyone hates you. There are going to be days when everyone loves you. Most days will be somewhere in between.

Try to ignore the tone. Focus on only the parts that are things you can control.

Ignore any comments about your style. So you don't write the way they want? Is that a reason for you to change? Not if that's how you write. They can either read it or not.

So what if they leave a shitty comment? Comments drive hits. Hits bring more readers to your story. Fuck the whiny little trolls. They're doing you a favor. Smile as you close the Comments page.

Few of those who leave a comment (or even send an email) truly understand the number of hours it takes you to write those stories - trying to get the words just right. They'll find the one word you missed and tell you that you didn't try at all.

You can spend a lifetime going back over your piece - looking for errors - rereading - listening to the audio - fixing the stuttering dialogue - repairing the foe paws (Yes, I know it's "faux pas". It's called humor. The struggle is real). It doesn't matter how much time you spend, perfecting it, they'll find something that's wrong and bitch about it.

Hell, half the time, they complain about stuff when they're not even intelligent enough to know that their "facts" are wrong. It's not your fault they can't be bothered to use Google, Wikipedia, or (God forbid) a dictionary before exposing their stupidity to the world. Leave that shit for the ones who, like you, know better. Chuckle every time you read it.

---= [ Deleting Comments ] =---

Dear Me:

Do you leave the comment there - or do you delete it?

* If you delete it, you'll be blamed for only keeping the praise.

* If you leave it, sometimes it turns into pissing contests between commentators.

* Now, when you delete it, you're favoring one group or belief.

My advice: If it's more of a personal attack than an analysis of your piece, shit-can that crap - especially if there's no name attached to it.

If it's from a named account, maybe look to see if they've ever written anything - or maybe don't bother. (For me, it's easier to ignore a nasty comment from someone who's been around for years but never put themselves in front of the firing squad.)

If it's Anonymous, you owe them nothing. They have no history. They don't have a face. You can't pull all of their comments together and see if they only hate you, or if they hate everything they read. You have no baseline. Without a name, you don't know what their trigger is; you have no way to do better next time. Delete that shit without guilt.

---= [ Responding to Comments ] =---

Dear Me:

If you're going to write it, make it something that you can be proud of - for a long time.

Don't create martyrs; don't foster fanatics.

---= [ Story Length ] =---

Dear Me:

No amount of analysis is going to give you the formula for the perfect story.

Some people sign in just to jerk off. Anything longer than a 5-minute read is five minutes of their time that YOU wasted. "If you'd written a decent, fucking story", they'd already have a jizz-filled Kleenex in their hand.

Some people won't read a series. If it's not a one-shot ... "Dude! You're wasting my time."

Write a series and they'll bitch about pacing. Forget the fact that it takes months for normal people to get pregnant. "Your story is just contrived." "Your whole existence is contrived." "Who told you that you could write?" "I wrote better shit than this when I was in high school."

... and yet, they've been on Lit for years and have no submissions. Ignore them.

Those are the days when you write, edit, edit the next day, submit ... and wait.

.. and wait ...

... and ... ... ... ... wait

Do these editors have .... I don't know .... regular office hours or shit?!

Why do I feel like my life is one big, "... but I digress"?

---= [ Publication Times ] =---

Dear Me:

Yes, it takes forever to get a story publi...

Oh shit! Does that say "new"? Fuck! The last one took two weeks!

p.s. Yes, it's random; one chapter will be reviewed in less than 24 hours; the next takes weeks.

p.p.s. I *think* there might be different reviewers/approvers for different Category types - but I haven't found it in the forums yet.

---= [ Sent Back ] =---

Dear Me:

No matter how many times you read the "Don't submit a story that has THIS" blog, you'll miss something.

Well, at least I did. A few times.

---= [ Editing a Story ] =---

Dear Me:

There's a post on how to do this.

The question is, should you?

In my experience, edits take FOREVER and a day to get posted - long after the person who told you about the error has stopped worrying about it.

If it breaks your story, post the fix.

Be warned: Two of these have gone horribly wrong for me. The first crossed over into somebody else's story; the second changed the publish-date - which put it out of order for the series.

---= [ Categories ] =---

Dear Me:

Avoid the "Loving Wives" category at all costs. It's not worth it. Let somebody else write that shit. My wife barely speaks to me most days. Why would I waste time writing that filth just to have some pious POS tear it apart?

BTW, stories about STEP-mothers don't belong in "Incest" - even if the category is labeled "Incest/Taboo" - the "Taboo" is silent. (That's sarcasm, in case you missed it.)

Don't put anything in "Romance" with more than two people. Everybody knows that shit's not real.

If you cross Categories in a story, make sure you #TAG the shit out of that. "There is no try. Do or do not."

---= [ Editors ] =---

Dear Me:

"You need to find an editor."

This comment is almost always written by either someone with no name - or someone who has never submitted anything.

It goes without saying that neither of these individuals has ever emailed a Literotica editor - let alone a half-dozen of them - and waited for weeks - to get no response.

The one editor that actually replied lasted two weeks. Real life overwhelmed her; the volume of my output slammed a wooden cross on top of her grave.

---= [ Words to Ignore ] =---

Dear Me:

Ignore any comments containing the following:

* contrived

* juvenile

* stupid

* know

* boring (although, one of my favorite comments is: "Silly and improbable, but not boring!")

* I'm sure

* should

* verisimilitude (No, I'm not kidding. People with a broader vocabulary are - as should be obvious to everyone in the world - smarter than you. Do what they say, without question.)

* get real

* dumb

* I

* you

---= [ Topics to Avoid ] =---

Dear Me:

Stick with 8-inch dicks. The readers with 4-inch dicks won't say anything and the ones with 10-inch dicks will gloat quietly. Anything larger will have you drawn and quartered - no matter how many internet references you find for a living person with a penis that size.

Stick with the missionary position. Any creative gymnastic or yoga-influenced poses will be questioned.

Reveals are really hard - especially if they crash into another Category (see notes, above). You can try tagging stuff but you may get your Category reported and edited.

---= [ Hyperbole ] =---

Dear Me:

You CANNOT write a statement that is so unbelievable that someone will not take it literally.

They will, then, tell you what an idiot you are for putting it in your story.

---= [ Tags ] =---

Dear Me:

MF = Adam and Eve

FMF = Adam, Eve, and Eve's sister; both doing him - but probably not each other

FFM = Eve gets hers; everybody else get in line for leftovers

MFF = same?

MFM = Adam, Eve, and Steve - you decide whether Adam and Steve even know that each other exists

FFMFF = guy-focused harem shit

MMFMM = bride's bachelorette party

As mentioned before, if your story jumps the Category shark, make sure all Categories are listed in the tags.

---= [ Foreign Language ] =---

Dear Me:

So far, it's about an even number of people who would rather see the original text - with a translation - vs just putting the translation in the story.

To give an example:

* "Te amo," <"I love you"> she said.

* <"I love you">, she said.

So far, this has been minor. Again, it's a decision about whether or not it breaks them out of the story.

---= [ Balancing Quality vs Time ] =---

Dear Me:

One of the biggest challenges is deciding when a story is "ready".

The greatest gift I have received is a reader who takes his own time to beta-read my stuff. So far, he's nearly 100% at figuring out what the masses want.

Without him, it's a continual process of reading back over the work to make it "better", "worthy", "ready".

Definitely use spell-check; definitely look at the grammar suggestions - but those aren't fool-proof. No matter what, at some point, you won't be able to find any more of your own errors.

That will change as soon as you hit "publish". Then you have to decide if the error is bad enough to yank the story out of the queue - that interminably long wait for your submission to appear in Works.

Do what you can. Definitely spend the time to assure yourself that it's as error-free as it can be.

I write it, close it, come back the next day, re-read it, listen to the computer read it to me, fix the errors and the clumsy dialogue, and then I call it ready.

Now that I have another set of eyes, I send it off to him. He's less focused on missing words or grammar - although he's saved me a couple times. He's my thermometer. Is it "hot" enough? Does the story make sense? Do the characters do or say anything that is not "them"?

Once you're sick of reading the damned thing, you're down to two choices: set it aside for a couple days and hit it again, or publish it.

I absolutely hate having something, which I think is ready, just sitting around - but that anxiety of waiting for those first 100 votes to come through is gut-wrenching.

You're still going to get blasted in the comments. Don't give them easy shit to bitch about - but (at some point) - just "send it".

---= [ Final Words of Encouragement ] =---

Be brave. Someone will enjoy what you write. Cherish their praise and ignore the haters.

Work to improve your craft. If you're going to keep writing, try to get better at it. It won't matter to most - but some of them will notice.

Don't stop being you. If you don't like anal, don't include it in your stories. If somebody asks nicely, you can decide whether to answer them. Some will complain about "style". If they're into haikus, your best limerick will never be good enough.

If you're uncomfortable doing it, it'll be harder for you to write about. Sometimes you can fake it well enough for no one to notice; most of the time, they'll figure it out.

Picture the scene in your mind and then write down everything you see, hear, smell, feel, and taste.

Don't use lots of uncommon words, you'll break people out of your story if they have to go look up a bunch of new vocabulary words. It's cool that you have the aptitude to flex those skills but - if you're going to sneak in a word that's not used in normal conversations, give it enough context that people can figure it out.

I tend to use vague descriptions for my characters. She's a teacher and she's hot. You already have a picture of her in your mind. Why would I want to spoil it? You'd be surprised at the number of people who absolutely HAVE to know how many moles are lurking inside her nostrils. Again, for me, this is a style choice.

You do you. Do a good job of it - but don't try to change yourself to be something else.