The male half of mankind has a well-deserved, bad reputation for being obsessed with breasts. This obsession has a long list of negative consequences, such as blatant ogling in public, complete loss of memory and intelligence in the presence of cleavage, and causing an untold number of unnecessary plastic surgeries. This how-to article contains suggestions about how men can use their natural obsession with breasts to take advantage of some positive applications.
I need to apologize for two things up front: 1) I am writing from a male perspective and 2) I love breasts. (Hm. I guess that since those two are virtually equivalent, perhaps that only counts as one apology.) I also should mention that I had severe misgivings about submitting this story under my usual author name, so I almost invented an alias for the occasion. The rest of my stories are very relationship-oriented, with male characters who do not act like cads and beasts; that's the real me most of the time. Obviously, the thoughts described in this how-to guide have crossed my mind, but I have taken some literary license to emphasize a portrayal of single-minded obsession. After reading this, please don't discount the caring and sensitivity of my other stories. I only think like this on rare occasions... maybe once a month. On second thought, perhaps a couple of times a week. On third thought, maybe several times a day. Actually, I'll just stop before get into any further trouble!
BUYING PRODUCE: Let's face it; for most guys, the grocery store produce aisle is not our natural habitat. I have discovered a technique for choosing produce, however, that is fun and effective: I have found that the best corn-on-the-cob tends to have high-moisture kernels, making them heavy for their size. (I cordially invite any professional food technologists in the audience to contribute an official explanation.) Now as a technical type of person, I could try to intellectually figure out which ears have the greatest density. Instead, I realized that while holding an ear of corn in each hand, it is much more enjoyable to imagine cupping my hands under breasts. I feel their delicious heft and can instinctively recognize which feel like the ripe, full breasts I'd like to take home with me. Just like with breasts, you shouldn't look for the biggest or the heaviest, just the ones that feel right. My evaluation is that this picks the best produce ninety-nine percent of the time for corn-on-the-cob and ninety percent of the time for oranges. You can try this on melons or other produce at your own risk. The danger is that some female shopper will recognize the far-away look in your eyes and have you tossed out of the store for being a pervert.
MOTIVATING LAUNDRY: If my wife is running late in the morning, she occasionally asks me to iron her clothes for her. This is just the sort of favor that tends to get repaid with good sex at night. As I'm ironing her blouse or sweater, I always pay special attention to making sure they look good around the bustline, which can be a complicated geometrical challenge on a flat ironing board. The payoff is that if she looks in the mirror and decides her breasts look good, she feels good during the day and sexy when we get home. Furthermore, I'm happy to give her an edge over her male co-workers -- a good-looking set of breasts is a deadly weapon for distracting her competitors and encouraging cooperation from her supporters.
