A Married Man's Guide to Sex

I realize that as a man with limited sexual knowledge I shouldn't be giving advice on such matters. However as a husband to two women (not at the same time, thank you very much) I do feel I can offer some guidance on this subject.

The men I'm trying to help are the husbands of the world. As far as you men who have girlfriends, or fiancés or even those 'living in sin' as my mother use to say, you may want to keep this text for future reference as your present situation is completely different from ours. For you men are still 'single' by definition and as long as you haven't 'bought the cow', (another saying from my mother) you are probably still getting free 'milk' on a regular basis. Although you 'single men won't believe this at this time but once you she gets you to put that ring on her finger regular sex is a thing of the past.

To most married men the question of the ages is not how do we achieve world peace, but what happened to that wild sex freak that I married. It's almost a guarantee that all that sex on the beach and blow-jobs as you drive down the freeway, in fact just about any blow-jobs disappear once your wild girl friend becomes a proper wife. It's just a fact of life that a woman who has to wash your dirty underwear has no desire to suck your cock.

Thus, the question is how you convince your wife to have sex. Many feel that liquor relaxes the wife and loosens her libido enough so she'll have sex with you. Although I agree with this, it is a slippery slope and needs careful measurement because just enough and it's loving all night. Yet just one once too much and you have a sleeping wife or worse one who's throwing up all night. As much as wine is all right whine is not. You may whine and you might beg but all you're doing is losing what little respect you have left and believe me you're still not getting any. Bringing your wife flowers is nice but it is nothing but a gesture and unless she is already in the mood, it's not going to get you laid.

So what do you need to do to get some? Believe me there's no I-phone app although it would make a nice one. One way to get her in the mood is to be the man of the house. I'm not talking about 'bring me a beer bitch' man of the house but if you're doing your fair share of the chores, I'm telling you that that will impress any woman. If she suddenly finds the trash has been dumped without asking or maybe the sink is clean when she walks into the kitchen it will make your wife's panties wet. Face it men, most of us are helpless around the house, we ruin laundry and even we won't eat half of the food we prepare so if there's something we can accomplish to help, we need to do and do it often. Don't wait to be asked because it's the volunteering that's the Aphrodisiac not the chore itself.

Do you remember what you had to go through to pick up women when you were single? Try a little of that finesse on your spouse, she may be your wife but she still likes to hear she looks pretty in that dress or maybe a 'I like your hair that way.' How much persiflage did you listen to with that fake interested smile of yours still knowing the whole time that you didn't have a prayer of getting laid. Well it kind of like that with your wife except you have a better chance of scoring by listening to her frivolous banter.

Now as to what to do once you get your better half in the mood. I can't believe I'd need to tell a married man to make sure his wife gets hers too. I mean how many husbands are left out there who don't understand that his wife also needs to get off. Each wife is different so there is no way to tell you how but you need to understand that if she isn't enjoying sex then she's going to be harder to convince to have sex. Just because you may have to work a little harder doesn't matter, she still deserves an orgasm at least as much as you and it is up to you to insure she has one.

As most of you realize this piece is written tongue in cheek, and yet it is still based mostly in fact and if taken as such it can be used as a primer for all of us. Fellow husbands let us keep in mind as we plod along in life with our only goal just to keep our noses above water, that to think of your life mate. Just remember that even the slightest kindness can improve her day and if you can improve her day, she just might make you night.