They say good things come to those who wait...they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I held out hope that the former was true, but so far in my experience absence only made the heart grow frustrated.
It had been nine days since our encounter at the dumpster and he had yet to visit the library when I was there. I felt like a pathetic child counting the days, but I couldn't stop obsessing. Wanting coupled with waiting is always difficult, but without a deadline it was completely maddening.
I tried to focus on other things and trust that he was in control and would make use of me again. My brain was working overtime and anxiety wormed its way through my body, tightening all of my muscles and squeezing my chest. Meditation didn't help. Exercise didn't help. Masturbation didn't help. I was a mess.
I was so tight I thought I might snap like worn-out corset laces and the tension could only be released by him. He gave me his card with his contact information but reaching out to him didn't seem like the right thing to do at this point. Maybe it was my masochistic nature or my desire to be a good girl and not a pathetic, needy pet.
He said he was in control of our relationship and that meant I wasn't. I used it as an opportunity to challenge myself and demonstrate my respect for him even though it made me feel like I was in my own personal hell confined in my own head.
As the days passed, it did not get easier. I never reached that enlightened state of acceptance for which I was striving. It was too early in the game and I was too caught up in my desire. I wanted him like I wanted no other.
It was a quiet evening and I was alone at the Reference Desk flipping through the latest Library Journal when I saw him come through the front doors. My heart pounded and I forced myself to exhale slowly. I tried to maintain my composure but my face lit up as he approached. Relief swept over me, but my body did not relax. I was too excited to relax, butterflies dancing in my stomach, juices flowing.
"Good evening, Eileen."
I smiled as I laughed lightly, "Good evening, Sir. How may I be of assistance?"
He smiled back and replied, "You are just the librarian I need tonight. I brought a gift for you." From his book bag he withdrew a black leather-bound journal. As he handed it to me, he spoke, "I realize that my absence the last week and a half probably has been very frustrating for you. I enjoy leaving my girl wanting and keeping her on edge, but I have been frustrated as well and I want to rectify that."
As I took the book, he said, "I want you to record your thoughts and feelings in this journal. It is for you as much as it is for me. You will write every night and submit it to me before you go to bed. If we both are available I may ask you to read it to me otherwise take a picture of your writing and send it to me. It will be handwritten and you may share whatever you like about your day, but it will please me most to read about things you would not normally share. If I am not satisfied with your topics of choice, I will assign you topics."
I nodded as I placed the book on the desk in front of me. My hands glided over the soft cover as I looked up at him. While I had never been a fan of leather, feeling this leather made me begin to understand why people have a leather fetish. The wrinkles made their own unique design and it had that animal smell, a smell that would forever remind me of him.
He watched as I opened the book and felt the thick paper. I smiled as I imagined how my favorite pen would feel on the paper. I lifted it to my nose and smelled the wonderful odor of a new book and delighted in the clean pages waiting to be sullied with our story.
"Thank you, Sir. Is there anything you would like me to write about for the first entry?"