I knew you were at the very end of your tether when you walked in. I could hear your voice echoing in the staircase, as you were talking on your phone. The rustling and scratching of your keys against the door went on for almost half a minute, before you managed to unlock it. And when you finally got into our apartment, you failed to juggle your cellphone, keys, laptop bag and thermos as the same time. The later two went down with an infernal amount of noise. Now you had my attention. Clumsy fumbling was so unlike nimble gymnast you, something was amiss here.
You looked as annoyed as a human being could possibly be. Aggression bubbling directly under the surface. This shouldn't be the case. After all, tomorrow was the first day of your vacation. Of OUR vacation. We both had saved up our annual leave for this. Just two weeks, no expensive flights, no hotels, no amazing scenery. No night shifts for me, no conference calls for you, just the two of us, together. Lazy days, movie marathons, sleeping in, picnic in the park, just getting in the car and driving somewhere to fool around in the back seat, all that good stuff.
And really, on first glance, you had no reason to be so annoyed with your job, either. Your boss called you the best talent he ever hired. The board hailed you as a pillar of the company. Your colleagues relied on you for all the most tricky projects and prestigious customers. And don't get me started on your bank account. Not bad for someone just a few years out of college.
Of course, that was some pretty short-sighted thinking. The most capable employee is usually the first one to get worked to the bone. And the most reliable coworker is usually the one everyone falls back on, when times get tough and the schedule tight. A great recipe for a burn-out.
You frizzled hair and the giant coffee stain on your pretty white blouse didn't speak of a great day, either. Neither did the fact that you returned 15 hours after you left at o-dark-thirty. And you were still on your phone.
"No... I... as I said... no. It is not that simple. Ma'am, engineering is all about optimization and compromises, and... no. No. We've talked about this earlier. This is how you wanted it. And I would really appreciate if you could stop interru-..."
And this was when you ended the call by launching the device in the general direction of our kitchen. It hit the backsplash, bounced off the cutting board, and with shattering glass and crunching aluminum, ended its life in the sink.
I had never seen you take out your frustration on an inanimate object. Let alone another one's property, because that was -- or had been -- your company phone.
"Hey honey, nice throw!"
I had hoped a snarky remark would turn me into a lightening rod for your anger for a minute, after which everything would be okay. But you only stared at me with hollow eyes, looking completely drained. Then you kicked off your shoes, marched over to where I was sitting on the sofa, and curled yourself up into a ball in my lap. I halfway expected you to start sobbing. You weren't usually someone to cry, but given that I had never seen you so massively stressed out, everything was possible. We just sat there, me holding you tightly and stroking your hair.
After a few minutes, you sighed, and sat yourself upright. I looked into your face. Deep circles around your eyes. Damnit, this was my fault. I knew you hadn't been sleeping very well, and not just because of this one client who had no concept of time zones and had been calling you at 3 AM. No, you'd been tossing and turning next to me for hours, every night, for weeks. I had chalked it up to temporary stress. I should have known better. I guess the problem with dating such a remarkably tough and resilient woman is that you have a hard time detecting when she gets close to her breaking point. Until it's too late. I kept silently cursing myself for being too pre-occupied with my own stuff to pay close attention to how you were doing. I was going to make it up to you, I promised!
I started to massage your shoulders. Hard knots and cramped muscles, everywhere. "Care to tell me what this was about?"
You shook your head. "Asshole customer. Unimportant. Just a trigger, not the root cause. It's just... everyone sings my praise, they all think I am so fucking perfect! Marlene, the Good Witch of the fucking East Coast. Marlene, the fucking prodigy. Marlene, whose projects are never fucking late. Marlene, who helps out everyone. Marlene, who picks up the slack. I... I just wish they'd think less of me, lower their expectations, and just let me fucking do a mediocre job!"
I continued working on your shoulders. "That's five fucks in a row, honey..."
"And the worst of it is: I can't fucking stop thinking about it. Every waking minute revolves around work this, project that, stats here, KPIs there. My mind is stuck on a fucking merry-go-round, and the music won't stop playing! And don't you fucking dare counting my fucks! I have a request."
I had seen this coming. "Yes, love?"
"I need another treatment. Tonight."
I nodded. "I see. Are you absolutely sure about that? This is all about headspace. You don't want to wait until you are in a better mindset?"
"Another treatment will get me into a better mindset."
"This is not a replacement for therapy, you know?"
You seemed almost offended. "I know that. I don't seek therapy. I want stress relief. I need to silence my mind, reset my system, fucking unwind. Pretty please?"
"Got it. So you want it just like we did last time..."
"No. No holding back this time. I can take it. I have two weeks to heal. Please."
"The last one was already pretty extreme, but I'll see what I can do. You need to promise me three things."
"Yes?"
"Remember that I love you, that you are my equal, and that I respect you. It might get hard to believe over the course of the night, but you need to cling on to the thought."
"I'll remember."
"Promise to opt out when I scare you."
"You have never scared me, just shocked me for a bit. But I promise."
"Promise that when you get back to work, you'll grab this manager of yours, whatshisname..."
"Thomas."
"You'll get Thomas and force him to have a private conversation. Tell him the stress is getting to you, and starting to damage your health. People need to ease up on you. He makes the big bucks, so he has to figure something out. And this needs to happen immediately, or you'll go looking for a new job."
"God, yes. I promise."
"Perfect. So, you want to start right now?"
"Yes."
I took my hands off your shoulders. I would get you to relax, alright, but not like this.
"Good. Go to the bedroom. Put fresh sheets on the bed. Then undress completely. Put on my favorite panties, and my favorite shoes. You know which pairs I mean?"
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Wonderful. Put them on, kneel next to the bed, and wait for me while I get ready. And watch your language. No more swearing, or I'll smack your potty mouth. Any questions?"
"No, Sir."
"Then carry out your orders, now."