Lucy's 18th birthday present.
"Ask her again George," Mary, Lady Melchett ordered her husband Colonel Melchett as he finished his breakfast coffee and stood before the leaded light window with stone surround and stared idly across the manicured lawns of his opulent manor house home.
"Yes, I suppose so," he agreed, his heart sinking at the thought of another confrontation with Lucinda, his wayward teenage daughter. Generals, Majors even Sergeant Majors held no terrors for Melchett, nor Lords or Ladies for indeed he himself was an aristocrat and his full title was Colonel the Lord Melchett of Branstone, but he was no match for Lucinda.
He slowly opened Lucinda's bedroom door, she lay on her bed texting, her golden hair cascading to her shoulders her thin white nightgown showing her curves to perfection more beautiful and perfect than any Hollywood filmstar but after a cursory glance she ignored him and continued texting,"Any more thoughts on a birthday present Lucy?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "Cock, black cock and plenty of it."
He refused to rise to the bait, "Mummy thinks we should get you a MINI Cooper Cabrio, the garage in town have a nice pink one, only twenty thousand on the clock," he offered.
"On Friday I'm eighteen and I'm out of here!" Lucy warned, "So stuff your MINI!"
"Or a VW Golf?" he offered.
"Is it black? Has it got a ten inch cock?" she asked nastily.
"No, it's red and it's a motor car," he explained.
"Then it hardly qualifies does it?" she snapped.
"Geoffrey's coming over later," he tried, although he couldn't understand why their erstwhile next door neighbour's son should continue to visit when Lucy was so horrible to him.
"Oh great," she said sarcastically, "Tell him sod off, from me, loser."
"Lucy!" he protested, "He's just back from Helmand!"
"Pity," she said, "Pity he didn't stand on an IED!"
"That is unforgivable!" he exploded, "Lord knows why he wastes his time on you!"
"Exactly!" Lucy agreed, "Do himself a favour and stay away!" she stated firmly if un grammatically.
"Look which would you like a Mini or VeeDub?" he tried again, "Damnit you'll end up with a ten year old MG if you're not very careful!"
"I don't care as long as it is black with a ten inch cock!" she snapped.
Melchett sadly went downstairs, "You know Mary, perhaps we should have let her sleep around, get it out if her system?"
"Really?" Mary asked, "I don't remember you complaining!" she said remembering how her own time at St Celia's Convent had ended with a mad week of pre deployment sex with George followed by a hurried marriage and three children, a Lieutenant in the Rifles, a trainee accountant and Lucinda, the youngest.
"No, but she is obsessed with black men," George sighed, "You know equality is all very well but."
"Yes dear," Mary agreed, "Just keep your opinions to yourself."
Melchett thought quickly, he had a few days leave but he had a germ of an idea, "Think I'll drop by the office," he suggested.
"Yes dear," Mary agreed glad to see the back of him.
Melchett swung his twenty year old MG through the barrack gates, the squaddies (GI's) had the barrier up as soon as they saw the ugly but unmistakable shape of the Maestro appear round the corner, he headed straight for sick bay and walked into Dr Manvers surgery, "Tension!" he shouted to the unfortunate squaddie who was sitting at the desk and he strode past into Dr Manvers' office.
"Colonel!" the doctor protested as the colonel burst in as he was examining half naked soldier's arm.
"Cocks, do you keep records?" Melchett demanded.
"What?" the doctor demanded.
"Cocks man, penises, ten inch cocks in black to be specific," he expanded.
"No of course not," Dr Manvers replied,"You can't just barge in here and."
"Chalky Smith got a ten inch cock," the bare chested squaddie suggested.
"Private please!" Manvers snapped.
"Most of the black lads have, least they say they have," the squaddie continued.
"Right?" Melchett agreed, "Perhaps you could make a list? Private?"
"Mead sir, yes sir, now sir?" he asked.
"Now yes, now, write it down there's a good chap." Melchett agreed, I'll be back on a moment," he stated and he slipped from the room.
He rang home, "Mary, how about we give Lucy what she wants?" he asked.
"What a ten inch cock?" she asked.
"Yes, not just one, a section perhaps," he suggested, "C' company are on guard duties and Mead says a lot of the black lads have ten inches."
"You can't be serious George!" Mary gasped.
"Deadly," he admitted, "If she is going to go off the rails anyway at least this way we can do HiV and VD checks on them first."
"That is outrageous!" Mary insisted, she couldn't think what Lucinda saw in black men but she had often fantasised about being fucked by the entire Osmond family or the Cambridge boat race crew, the welsh rugby team, Jenson Button, Imran Khan, the Treforest Male Voice choir and Prince Harry, not necessarily all at once.
"Need your help I'm afraid, turn them on so we can measure them up," he suggested.
"George!" she protested, "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"No comment," Melchatt agreed, "I'll say fourteen thirty in the guard room unless I let you know otherwise."
Mead had eighteen names when Col Melchett returned.
"Thank you," he said to Mead, "Much appreciated, dismiss," and as the squaddie left he turned to the doctor and continued, "This lot, aids test, VD test the works now!"
"Colonel!" Dr Manvers protested, "I have patients!"
"And I have little patience," Melchett added, "Now, that is an order!"
Melchett lunched in the mess and asked CSM Jarvis to order all the squaddies on the list to the lecture room behind the guard room, before he met Mary at the gate and took her to the lecture room where CSM Jarvis was waiting with the squad of men.
"Squad, tension!" CSM Jarvis shouted as they entered, (completely missing the A of Attention).
"Stand easy Sarn't Major!" Melchett ordered, "Gentlemen I have a special mission for you," he advised, "Word has it that you are each the possessor of a ten inch member, tool, willie, cock or what ever your favoured term is for your glans penis."
He paused, "Am I right?" he asked.
"Ugh," the squad muttered.
"Very well, anyone with a small cock one pace forward!" Melchett ordered and paused a moment and when no one moved he added, "No, good, right, squad, trousers," he paused "Down!"
"Sir?" Private Umbuntu asked.
"Drop em man, let the lady check your dangler,"Melchett suggested, "Whip it out, let Mrs Melchett measure it."
"Are you sure Ma'am?" Umbuntu asked uneasily.
"My husband wants to be sure the squad consists of men with ten inch penises," Mrs Melchett explained.
"But why Ma'am?" he asked.
"Top secret, need to know basis, you know the form," Melchett insisted.