January 1st, 2017
Happy New Year! And happy birthday to me! I went to IHOP with my friends and had some pancakes for breakfast. It was a great time and I had a lot of fun, until I logged it later. Man, who know there were so many calories in a breakfast? I felt guilty when I logged it in, which is a shitty way to feel on one's birthday. However, I guess that means that I'm going to have to develop that accountability that I lack. This, even if it hurts, is going to help me.
Nick called today to wish me a happy new year and a happy birthday. He does this every year and did not mention that agreement at all, I was a bit surprised. He is great about remembering though and I thank him for it. All day I'm thinking about this diet. I'm at a party and as they circulate with those little glasses of champagne I wonder how many calories in a glass. I hope this doesn't continue the whole time.
I wonder if you've read this yet.
Today I have to log everything I eat and I'm supposed to aim for "healthy" foods in order to impress upon Nick that I am ready to really try. No problem.
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6 pm, I e-mailed Nick the journal today and I didn't do too well. They had a party for me and for New Years and I had so much fun. I'm not even sure I logged everything correctly and it still looks way too high. Nick was not happy.
I know this because that was the subject of his e-mail.
He sent me an e-mail that I told me I was not making very good choices. He informed me that he did not believe I intended to fully obey and take this seriously. I argued, explaining that I was going to take it seriously. It was there, when I said I WILL take it seriously that I realized I screwed up. He pointed out that I admitted that while I would take it seriously, I was not doing so yet.
January 2nd, 2017
Today Nick started the day off by informing me that I would had earned my first punishment. I felt myself grow excited, but also annoyed. I know I ate a lot yesterday, but it was New Years and it was my birthday. He didn't really expect that to count, did he? I do not like the idea of punishments and Nick knows it. He was pleased, it was the whole point of punishments after all. I was also very annoyed that I was excited, but I think it had more to do with seeing the limits. I remember that Nick is very strong and that it was not a good idea to push limits. Despite this, I feel I must, I must see where they are and how well they are defended. Today it rained and it was pretty chilly, about thirty eight degrees. Nick ordered me to take my dog to the woods and go for a hike in the cool rain. I was to consider the reasons that I asked for his help and make sure this is really what I wanted. He reminded me that I asked for his help but that I was still going to work hard. Is this really what I wanted?
I took my dog as instructed, this was an area I had spent many years in with my faithful dog Nyven. Nyven is a large, male German Sheppard and my best friend. The time in the woods was nice though I had to watch my step with the mud and Nyven was excited to be there. Even though I started annoyed, that did not last in the woods. I did a lot of thinking on the trip.
-I want to lose weight and become more active for my own health and well-being, I don't want to go into my thirties in bad shape.
-I want to feel sexier, healthier, and better about myself. I want to fit the version of me I imagine in my head rather than the real me I see in a mirror.
-I want to become a healthier version of myself by installing habits that can survive upsets in school, stress, or other triggers for activities that make me lose excess habits.
-I want to develop more self-control over my life. I know that seems odd, asking Nick to take control so that I can have more self-control, but I have a reason for that. I believe that it will rub off, that I will develop healthy habits that will begin to stick with me.
I realize now that I have good reasons for doing this, and even if I ask Nick for help I have to realize I will be doing the work to get there. I have to start now. I do have to wonder though. Normally I'm the one that will do something like take Nyven out in the yard on a rainy day and "forget" to put shoes on. Nick is the one who yells at me for doing that. Was this workout actually a punishment?
10 pm: After my last journal entry, I texted Sir Nick and told him about my newfound belief in myself and willingness to put in the work. He called me and I repeated myself over the phone. He chuckled at me as if I had said something funny, it made my hackles raise, but I sucked it up. I tried to think of what a good submissive would say, I asked him nicely calling him Sir and saying please. It seemed to work, he was happy to help me out, but I had to show him I really was ready. Talk is cheap, he said, I need to see action. He told me I would be giving up my right to orgasm to him, that I was not to touch myself without his permission. He told me, his voice rough and cruel, that he would be keeping that right to use a reward or consequence, depending on the situation.
Now for anyone that would read this journal, you have to understand something. I like orgasms. Not just the way normally people like sex, I really like orgasms. I think I'll have serious trouble if I can't get rub one off before bed and it always puts the pep in my step. The worst part is that Nick knows this, he knows it. This was asking a lot, but I remembered the hike this morning and I really wanted to give in. I wasn't sure what to say and his voice sounded amused when my quietness led him to question if I had dropped the phone.
I broke down and begged him permission to continue cumming once at bedtime, positive I wouldn't be able to sleep. His response scared me.
"You're begging, that means that not only do you know you're going to let me, but that you believe I have the power to take even those most intimate bedtime rituals away."
Before I could consider that too closely he agreed to my plea and granted me the right to cum once at bedtime, for now. He was quick enough to point out that this right might be taken away.
