I slam the door to our apartment so hard that I hear something fall to the ground on the other side. I pause, smiling and even a bit self-satisfied, waiting for the neighbor to come out and pretend to glare at me. He's a single guy who, after three years of living next to us, still can be drawn out by the yelling and stomping coming through the wall. I'm no fool, though- he wouldn't dare complain about the noise. When you and I argue, it often reaches a fever pitch. We fall into a familiar pattern of screaming, cursing and breaking things against the hardwood floor for emphasis, egging each other on until we're both red-faced and panting heavily. More often than not, this energy converts itself to loud, mad fucking amidst shattered pieces of vases or picture frames. This is why we have nothing to fear from the noise: our neighbor likes listening to our fighting turn to frantic moans and growls as we screw our anger away.
The neighbor is out of luck today, however. I am leaving and you are still on the other side of the door, muttering about how irresponsible I am being. I imagine you pacing a hole through the floor, your imposing 6'3'' frame walking back and forth as you stroke your beard in consternation, and I smile. Even though this fight didn't end up like so many others, I still get off on riling you up a bit. And tonight it was so easy.
As I walk to the park near our house, your words are still clear in my mind. "Don't do it tonight. Wait until tomorrow. It's not safe, you'll lose the light," you nearly pleaded with me, taking my hand in your much larger one. I just laughed at your earnestness and laced up my Nikes. A look of displeasure crossed your handsome features then, darkening them and causing me just a second of doubt. "My brother's a cop here, remember? I know the statistics...that park is not safe for a woman alone this time of day." I rolled my eyes, and you growled at me and grabbed my arm as I got up from the table.
"It will be fine," I replied, shaking you off. Your grip tightened around my wrist, your hand easily able to encircle it. I felt a tinge of something stir inside me, and I wondered if you felt it, too. "You're being silly."
"I am not," your voice changed from concern to agitation in seconds. You do not like being called silly, nor do you like me challenging your ideas about what is and isn't safe in this place we live, your hometown. "You are being careless and willful, and I don't know what you're trying to prove." I smiled at the familiar admonishment. When your fingers dug into my arm, I winced a bit, biting my lip as I looked up at you. "I'm not playing around," you said. "Don't do this."
I extracted myself from your grasp and walked to the door, unable to hide the smile that I know has the power to both infuriate you and drive you nuts with desire. "See you in an hour."
"Goddamn it!" you screamed. Then you said my name. "You go, and I'm not going to be able to help you," you warned, and then your voice got very low and husky. "It's almost like you want something bad to happen."
My laughter came out more like a bark. "I'll say hi to the guys down by Sex Offender Lake for you!" I called out as I slammed the door. I was annoyed that you have so little faith in me, and using our little inside joke to mock you was my way of expressing this. The thought that I may be in trouble when I get home filled me again with that familiar twinge of desire mixed with the slightest bit of alarm. This is what you do to me.
At the park now, I zip up my hoodie against the mid-October chill. The sun is already setting; trees cast spooky shadows along the running path and I realize that you were completely right about losing the light. I put my ear buds in, stretching my quads against a large oak and wonder if I should have listened to you. I am all alone on the path, a steady bass thumping in my ear as I start my warm-up jog, and I make the decision to only do four instead of my normal six mile run. Then I can be home to you earlier, and hopefully start to make up for my sarcastic transgression. You weren't wrong. I'll be fine, but it probably wasn't my best idea to come here now.
After the warm-up song ends, I switch into higher gear and fill my lungs with the crisp autumn air. I don't see a single fellow jogger or even a person walking his dog in the first mile, which I find odd. It's eerily quiet, no real distractions, and I'm making fantastic time. But the sun is setting rapidly behind the horizon, must faster than I had anticipated, and it's getting colder and darker. I increase my pace even more, my chest rising and falling as my muscles strain to meet my demand, dark red hair swinging behind me in the chill. I'm running faster than I ever have on this route, and I'm feeling powerfulβmuch larger and stronger than my 5'5'', petite self.
I inhale deeply, preparing to enter the next mile, when I feel a hand grab my shoulder from behind. I freeze, all the nerves in my body suddenly standing up and screaming at once, my breath catching as I try to wriggle from the insistent grasp. Suddenly, my right ear bud is ripped from my ear and there are lips pressed against me. I feel warm breath on the back of my exposed neck and I tremble, realizing with each passing second that I am in real danger, completely alone and small in this dark space. Your prophetic words appear suddenly in my mind, sounding in this horrible moment like a curse.
It's almost like you want something bad to happen.
I open my mouth to scream, still struggling to extricate myself, but before a sound forms in my throat, another hand, large and strong, covers my lips. "You're coming with me," mumbles the voice, gruff and low. I'm pushed into a clearing a few feet away from the jogging path. I hear twigs snapping and leaves rustling under our feet, some birds squawking overhead, and nothing else. Nobody is coming to save me from whatever this is. An image of you floats before my eyes. You're holding my gaze and begging me not to leave. You're covering my body with your body, holding me against you and rocking me back and forth, you're kissing my hair and telling me to listen. I feel tears welling up inside me, hating myself for not trusting you.
And then, suddenly, the hands are spinning me around by my shoulders, and I'm facing my attacker.