Pillar

Author's note:

This is my first completed novel. While the plot isn't too complex, the goings on in the story are tricky, and with the help and dedication of a friend who reviewed the whole thing, I tweaked the crucial parts of the story to be better.

I wrote this story to explore the main themes that are included in it. I won't spoil anything by going into what the second theme besides BDSM is, but it's always been my intention to write something enjoyable that hopefully makes my reader think about what he or she read afterwards. (While also being nice and hot.)

So please, leave a comment that tells about your thoughts and opinions. I you have some relevant experience that the story reminds you of, by all means, share it with the rest of us.

Voting I leave to your discretion, but I do want to remind you that if you enjoyed the story, giving it a good score will make it more likely that others will find it and enjoy it as well.

CHAPTER FOUR

1

Alex plopped down at the table Tom an Ruth were sitting. Tom signed the waitress to bring a cup of coffee, and Ruth took in Alex's tired face and said, "So, how did it go?"

Alex rubbed her eyes before she answered. "I didn't know there were others with the same issues. I was the youngest there, some of the things they told about... It was my first time, so I had to speak. There I am, telling my story and I see at least half of them nodding, like they know what I'm talking about. I sit down and they give me a little round of applause, a bit weird, but it felt good. Then they started relating to the story and telling me what they did and how they're trying to deal with it now. It blew my mind. And there's a whole group of them. Thank you so much for helping me find them."

Tom took her hand and squeezed it. "You're working on it, that's all you can do."

Ruth put her hands over Tom's and nodded. "You have to start somewhere."

Alex felt warmed by their words. A few of the people in the group had talked about how important their families were in getting through the mess they'd made of their lives and how much they regretted hurting them. She found it hard to relate, but she didn't dare go to her parents this soon. These two wonderful people would help her fight on.

Alex put her other hand on top of the pile and squeezed. "Thanks, it means a lot to me. But can we change the subject? I think I've heard enough about sexual addictions for the rest of the week. Between my therapist, college and now my group, there's not much time left to just be normal and relax."

Tom cast a glance at the menu on the wall and said, "Well, they have a new kind of pie. Rhubarb, apple and ginger. Sound interesting?"

"That sounds perfect, you're buying?"

He laughed and shrugged. "I'll let you take advantage of me since I'm powerless against your female wiles."

"Wiles? I think that's the first time I've heard anyone use that word in an actual conversation."

"I could've said you're a sneaky, pie-mooching enchantress, but I prefer to be delicate."

"Oh, really?"

She launched a sugar cube at his face, which he heroically dodged. The second one hit him square in the nose though. "How's that for delicate?"

Tom grinned and put up his hand to bring over the waitress and order three pieces of pie. "It's good to see you smile."

"Yeah, I'm glad you two were in the neighborhood when I called."

He shrugged, "We like the coffee here and the pie is delicious, we actually had a slice earlier."

"Well, if that's the case, I won't say no."

The pie was indeed delicious and Alex let the tangy taste distract her from the emotion stirred up in her group. But all in all, a good first session.

2

Ruth gave her mother a hug and Hilda smiled as she kissed her daughter on the cheeks. "Hi honey. Haven't seen you in a while."

"Hi mom, I thought I'd visit. Is dad home?"

"He's outside in the garden. He'll be finished soon I think. Coffee?"

"Sure, no need to make a fresh batch though."

"Oh, it's no problem."

Ruth sat in the kitchen and watched her mother start up the coffeemaker. The most normal thing in the world, the feeling of home. "Ever since you've been dating Tom we haven't seen you much. I hope that after you move in together you'll still come visit your old mother."

"You're not old mom."

"I know, I know. Just come over, okay? Guess who I ran into last week."

"I can't even begin to guess, mom. Some aunt?"

"No, silly. I ran into Sebastian, you know, your ex-boyfriend. He's such a nice young man and handsome too. I always wondered why the two of you broke up, you never told me much about it."

At the mention of Sebastian, Ruth looked down at her hands. She didn't want to be reminded of him, there was little good to remember. "Oh? How was he?"

Her voice sounded a little shaken and weak, but she played along with her mother so she wouldn't become suspicious.

"Oh, he was in great shape. Sebastien's the one who recognized me actually. He said he couldn't mistake me for anybody else. Such a charmer. He asked me about you."

"He did? I haven't thought about him since we broke up, to be honest."

"I told him you're working as an assistant manager in Fille d'Or and he was impressed. He had to laugh when I told him about the photo-shoot."

"I'd completely forgotten about that."

A small smile returned to her face. She'd been fresh in her first job after getting her MBA and here comes the CEO of Fille d'Or, asking her in the middle of the street if she wanted to model some of the company's bras. Things got more serious after Ruth realized who she was talking to and the shoot ended in a job offer for a small management post. Fille d'Or was all about giving young female talent the opportunity to grow.

Her mother interrupted her pleasant reminiscing and Ruth's smile faded. "He said he'd love to see you again. I invited him over next week. I was going to call you, but here you are so I'm telling you now."

"Mom! I don't want to meet him. I've put him in the past."

"Ruth, I'm sure you can at least be civil to him. He told me he's sorry that things didn't work out between the two of you."

"Is he now? Well, he could've given me a heads up before he left."

"Everybody makes mistakes, Ruth. I'm sure he's not the only one to blame for what happened."

Ruth folded her arms across her chest. "I'm not meeting him."

"Ruth, don't be rude. He's coming over next Wednesday. There's no need to insult him. I told him you'd be there so the two of you could catch up."

"Well, you can catch up without me. I'm leaving."

"Ruth, honey. What's wrong?"

"I've just got to go mom. I'll visit again in the weekend."

"I wish you'd stay a little longer, but okay. Say goodbye to your dad on your way out."

"I will, mom."

Ruth fled the kitchen, leaving half of her coffee. Remembering Sebastian made her feel small and undesirable. She'd never been what he wanted, and he'd twisted her to suit his needs. She shouted out into the garden and her dad's head popped up, he waved at her and she returned the gesture before heading for her car and driving off.

During the ride to her place she remembered the months they'd spent together. At first everything had been fine until slowly he changed, and he became more and more unreasonable. She'd spent too much time afraid and had been too happy to be alone. Jenny was the only one who knew the whole story, and she decided to spend some quality time with her dear friend. She hoped that would chase away the memories.

3

Alex stood in Tom's doorway, her clothes were crumpled and she was shivering. "Alex, I didn't expect you to come by this late."

She gave a helpless shrug and said, "I was walking outside, going nowhere in particular, and I ended up here. I didn't know what else to do, Tom."

"It's alright, let me make you something warm to drink. What do you want?"

"Coffee, black. And pour in something tasty."

"Brandy and sugar okay for you?"

"Sure, whatever you've got."

They waited in silence for the coffee to brew. Alex gradually warmed up and stopped shivering. He handed her the coffee, and she sighed when she took the first sip. "You do everything right don't you?"

"I try. So what has you out on my doorstep at this hour?"

She didn't answer straight away, instead she focused on the blend of rich brandy and bitter coffee that rolled over her tongue. Eventually she gave in to Tom's patient silence and put down her cup.

"Basically, I'm horny. I want to have sex but I don't want to have sex. I mean, I shouldn't. The people in the group say I should wait, so I can start from a clean slate, but I'm crawling up the walls. I haven't had sex in four weeks now. And I even have to be careful with touching myself, in case I'm obsessed. I don't know what to do, Tom. Should I keep waiting? Should I find someone? But I know what I'll find. It'll be just like before, and if I slip once, I know I'll do it again. There has to be something else I can do, something that's not risky."

Tom considered for a while and kept sipping on his drink. Alex looked at him with a mixture of hope and frustration. He stood up and motioned her to follow him. She gulped down the rest of her drink and a shiver ran down her spine. He took her to his bedroom and sat down on the floor with his back against his chair. He pulled out a blanket from under the chair and held it out to her. "I want to tell you a story, Alex. Take off your clothes and settle in between my legs."

Alex was unsure of what to make of his request. She hesitated but still undressed and sat down, waiting for his hands to touch her. But she felt nothing besides the steady rise and fall of his chest. She relaxed against him and allowed herself to just drift on the gentle motion.

"I won't touch you. Is that okay with you?"

She nodded, curious about what was to come. She wanted him to envelop her with his warmth, make her feel pleasant. Just pleasant, that would be enough. "Yes."

"Good. I want this to be something just for you, so I'll pull the blanket over you. I won't be able to see anything besides your curls."

The soft fleece caressed her naked skin, and Alex loved the feel of it. It was warm and not scratchy. The scent of fabric softener still lingered. It made her realize that this place was a home.

"Imagine you're in a room with a bed. The walls are painted in a dark red. There are no windows. Just one door. It's closed right now but the room isn't dark. There's soft lighting, and the corners are just a little shady. You're on the bed, naked. You've been waiting for someone to show up for a long time now, and you're eager to meet this person.

"The door opens and a man steps in the room. He's wearing a mask. It's like the ones the old Greek actors used. It's contorted in a terrible expression of lust. The man comes closer, but you know he isn't who you're waiting for. You get out of the bed, and he can see all of you but it doesn't matter. It's not for him. He may want you, but he's a toothless coward and backs away when you glare at him and step closer. He wants to touch you, and he stretches his hands out towards your breasts, but you slap them away and push him. He falls and crawls backwards through the door opening. It slams shut, and you return to the bed so you can resume your wait.

"The door opens a second time. This time the man doesn't wear a mask. He steps up to the bed and tells you he wants something from you and is willing to give you something in return. You agree and he joins you on the bed.

"He explores your body with his hands, his touch makes you feel alive. Your body yields to him and pushes up against him, it wants this. You start to feel hot. His hand slides along your side and brushes your breast. It's just a light touch, but it's electrifying, a promise. He trails the length of your arm with the tips of his fingers and slips his fingers between yours. He holds your hand in place while the other hand slips a cord around it. Before you know what's happening, your hand is tied.

"You're alarmed now, you try to shove the man aside but he's too strong. You don't give up, you push and pull. He catches your free hand when you try to punch him, and he forces it down so he can secure it. Both your hands are tied now, and your legs soon follow. He has some bruises on his face, but the look in his eyes tells you that you gave him what he wanted.

"Your body responds to the triumph and lust in his eyes. You've been conquered and to the victor go the spoils. Your legs are spread wide open, exposing your desire to him. Your chest is heaving and his eyes are locked on you. You know that in this room, there's nothing but you that exists to him.

"He runs out of patience and drives his cock deep inside of you. Your body arches in its bonds, thrilled to accept him. His hands claw at your body. He mauls your breast and buries one hand in your curls so he can pull your head aside. He kisses and bites your throat while he pounds into you. Your chest is squashed under his weight and you love it. Your body sings with joy and you explode in a climax. He growls deep inside his throat and slams his hips even harder into you.

"Your clit bumps into him with every thrust and you moan and scream while he fucks you, rutting like an animal. There's no end to it, he keeps fucking you, using you violently. And you take it all, every ounce of sex he has to offer gets absorbed into your body. Your tits are squashed against him, your hips welcome his body. Your eyes flash with pleasure, and your hair frames your face like a halo of dancing flames.

"In this moment you're beautiful, a creature that comes to life during these short moments of ecstasy. You scream, and you encourage him and drive him into a frenzy. The bed suffers under the force of his fucking, with every thrust he plunges the weight of his body into your depths until finally he explodes.

"This is why he came to you, this mind-numbing climax. You make him feel like a conqueror, powerful and assured in his abilities.

"The man slowly comes down from his high, and he unties you. He stays long enough to make sure you're not hurt, but inevitably he leaves you. He's not who you were waiting for, but if he were to return, you wouldn't throw him out the door like the first man.

"The door opens a third time. A man wearing a blank mask steps into the room. You have no idea who he is. He doesn't speak, but you're not afraid. The man sits down on the side of the bed, takes your hand and pulls you closer. You're still a mess from the last visit, but he doesn't seem to mind. The two of you sit quietly for a time until he stands up, still holding your hand.

"He walks towards the door and you follow him. He steps through the door and you can't see him anymore, all you can see is the hand holding you. You don't know what's outside of the door, you're afraid now. You know this room, it's familiar. There are things you can enjoy, and you know how to deal with problems. It's a simple place where nothing changes.

"What's outside? The hand pulls on yours, urging you on. You close your eyes and step outside. It doesn't hurt, and it doesn't feel cold at the other side of the door. You didn't know what you were expecting. The hand is still there, and you hear something fall on the floor. He must've taken off his mask. This would be a good time to open your eyes."

Alex's eyes snapped open when Tom stopped talking. "What's next, Tom? Tell me what's next."

"That was the end of the story, Alex. There's nothing left that I can tell you. I hope you enjoyed it."

Enjoyed it? Did he even realize what he did to her? The second man had been him, there was nobody else it could be. But she saw the end of the story so clearly in her mind. When she opened her eyes she saw Tom as the third man. Every time.

She couldn't think straight, her thoughts were sluggish. Her body had been lulled to sleep by the slow cadence of his breathing. The soft hum of his voice had further seduced her into slipping away from wakefulness. "Tom, I..."

"Shush Alex, go to sleep. There's a bed you can use in the guest room."

She gave up on trying to say anything, and Tom carried her to bed. He left her there, tucked away. When he killed the lights, she was already asleep.

She wouldn't be crying herself to sleep this night.

4

Ruth entered Tom's apartment in a good mood, looking forward to spending the day with him.

"Good morning, Ruth."

Surprised she turned to the kitchen, to see Alex standing there in a white cotton undershirt, boxer shorts and an apron.

"Uhm, hi Alex. I didn't expect to see you here."

"I slept here."

"Oh, is that why you're wearing those clothes?"

"Oh, this? I found them in the room I slept in and changed into them, you know, so I could feel fresh. It's kind of revealing though."

An unpleasant feeling reared its head in Ruth's chest, but she pushed it aside and said, "Yeah, I know. It's my uniform when I'm here."

"I didn't know, I'm so sorry for putting it on. I'll go and change."

"No, no. Leave it on, it's fine."

Alex looked down at her significant cleavage and nodded in understanding. "I wouldn't have pegged it as a uniform, but it kind of makes sense."

"So, why did you sleep here?"

"I didn't know what to do with myself last night so I came here and Tom took care of me, slept like a baby afterwards."

Ruth had to force her smile at the careless answer. "That's great, is Tom in his office?"

"Yup, but we're having breakfast in a few minutes so you might as well wait here."

"I'll go see if he's ready."

"Sure."

Humming, Alex turned back to her preparations. She missed the expression on Ruth's face as she made her way to Tom's office. Ruth knocked on the door and entered, and Tom looked up and smiled when he saw her. "Good morning Ruth, I wasn't expecting you this early."

She smiled an unconvincing smile and said, "I wanted to surprise you with your favorite breakfast, I brought ingredients and everything."

She held up the bag in her hands. "But Alex beat me to it, apparently."

Tom looked at her and held up his hands. "I didn't know she was coming over. She showed up at my doorstep, shivering. I let her in and had her tell me what the problem was. She doesn't know what to do with herself anymore. The best thing I could think of to help her was to tell her a story. I tried to give it some kind of message. I don't know if I succeeded in that. It did lull her to sleep."

"So you didn't sleep with her?"

"No, she doesn't need me to sleep with her."

Ruth sighed and crossed her arms. "Is this going to keep happening? It's like she never leaves."

"Ruth, we don't know what she's going through. All we can do is be there for her even if it's difficult for us."

"And our plans?"

"They'll have to shift, within reason of course."

"What happened to me being your first priority?"

Tom's eyes narrowed when he picked up the tone of her voice. "Ruth, you had some choice words to say about what it would mean if I gave up on Alex now she needs my help with her problems. I've made the commitment now, if you're having second thoughts, then we can always talk about it. But until we decide otherwise, she's in my care."

"Okay, okay. I know. It's just disappointing to lose our time together."

He walked up to her and hugged her. "I know, but she won't be around all the time."

They went to have breakfast and Ruth was quiet, listening to the banter between Tom and Alex. A memory popped up of Sebastian talking to her about one of his friends. There had been a sparkle in his eye that she never saw when he was with her. She relived the suspicion of that moment and the feelings of being inadequate. She tried to push the memory down and block it out. No sense thinking about that guy now. With an effort she got more into the conversation and even laughed with the other two. But things were not okay.