Learning About Myself

2

I attempted to calm my breathing and my body. He had allowed me to cum on his fingers and I still throbbed inside. We were in bed now, talking, as I curled in his arm.

"You've come a long way and I am so pleased with you." I felt so warm because of his words. "You've realised that you enjoy submitting, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"You didn't expect to, did you? Think what you were like before." I did, and I realised I wasn't that keen on myself as I was before. But it had come as a surprise, being happy to submit, being excited and eager to submit. At first I had felt a bit of a hypocrite but Paul's gentle firmness had helped and his understanding of how I felt so mixed up had helped. Of course the amazing sex made a difference but that came hand in hand with giving him control. It wouldn't be the same if I was. Giving over control was what had turned on the switch.

"No I didn't expect it. It certainly was a surprise. You were right. You have been right."

"It would be very embarrassing someone watching you being spanked, wouldn't it?"

"Oh God yes." I realised I was pressing my sex against his thigh.

"I don't mean accidentally, like catching a flash. I mean someone present to watch. Can you cope?"

"Oh God." The idea was still a blur of humiliation. I tried to think about it. Tried to think of what it would be like. "He'd see me naked!"

"Yes. But it might not be a 'he'." I hadn't thought of a woman but, yes, of course it could be.

"Do you want others to see me naked?"

"Yes. I am proud of you. Others seeing you naked would make me proud too. And they'd see your obedience."

He was stroking my hair gently. If it had been just a quick flash of my nakedness, 'accidentally,' I knew it wouldn't have been as bad but that wasn't what he wanted. I realised he wanted me to show his control over me and my submission to him. I showed it all the time now but not in front of others. Sometimes others were there when I was submitting but they weren't aware of it. They would see how wet I got, I thought, blushing in the covers. They would see me how I was now, wicked, slutty, subby. They'd see everything about me.

"I wont force you. I think it will be good for you. I think you'll be aroused by it. I think it will allow you to accept yourself more, and accept submitting further. Think about it. Think about who would watch you. I will let you decide who it should be and I will accept that person unless there is a problem. Do you understand?" I nodded my head slowly against his shoulder.

I couldn't sleep. He obviously wanted this, and for me too I thought. Not just him. What he had done since the beginning was all about me, not him. Did I want it? Not just to please him, but did I want it? In many ways it didn't seem to matter as much as once. He was keenly aware of my needs. Would I have wanted to be spanked? Obviously not if he had asked me beforehand. I felt squelchy between my thighs. Paul's breathing was soft and rhythmic as he slept peacefully.

It played over and over in my mind constantly. Gradually I realised that the idea that I would like to be seen as a submissive was quite arousing in itself, being seen to have given over control to Paul. Humiliating as hell but... I was hot and wet. Slowly I stopped questioning if I could do it but began questioning who it could be. Who could it to be? I realised that I could accept his ability to decide if but leaving who it was to be was really hard for me.

My first thoughts had been to have someone who didn't know me. A stranger. But how? One couldn't just go out into the street and get anyone, go up to someone and say 'would you mind watching my wife being spanked'! Even if you could it was impossible to know if he was to be trusted and wouldn't cause problems after. The idea that it could be someone who knew me was inconceivable. But how to get a stranger? My mind worked around the problem constantly and more and more bad possibilities came to mind.

Eventually I allowed my thoughts to move further, to people who knew me. I couldn't imagine how I'd face them but I began considering the possibilities. The problems opened up like a chasm, who could we trust? Who wouldn't tell everyone else I knew what kinky things I did? At first I seriously considered a colleague, not close but one maybe I could trust. The problems were as with a stranger but with greater risks. It had to be someone close I eventually accepted. David or Liz. Probably Paul felt better about it being David but he'd probably tell Liz anyway. I could trust Liz the most. But what would she think? She'd think I'd gone mad letting my husband hit me, accepting it. But my biggest concern was whether it would wreck our friendship. I hoped she'd accept and ignore what she'd see as our strange sexual behaviour. I'd probably never be able to look at her without remembering, probably have to put up with a lot, but nothing like an untrustworthy person could bring about.

In the morning I spoke up, not looking at him as we lay naked against each other. "Could it be Liz? Or maybe David?"

"Look under your pillow."

I felt underneath and found a piece of paper. I opened it to see 'Liz and David' written on it.

"You bastard! You knew all along! Why did you make me go through all the sleepless worry? Making the decision was so hard."

"Would you have preferred it if I had made it for you?"

"Yes. Do you want both to see?"

"Yes. Both. Are you happy giving me all the control?"

"Yes. Yes. Oh God yes!" I began crying and kissing him and rubbing myself against him. He held me and allowed me to let it out. Then he fucked me. He fucked me hard. At work I knew I had an inane grin on my face as much as I was aware of the tenderness of my pussy and the aching in my hips.

We had dinner with Liz and David fairly often, sometimes at their house, sometimes at ours, sometimes out at a restaurant. This Friday evening we were out at one of our favourite restaurants. We had a table at the back in the corner. I was much quieter than the others generally when we met up, since Paul had begun to spank me, not being a bitch or saying anything that would upset anyone. It had been noticed by all but no one said anything, they just went with the flow. We had been laughing quite a lot, even me. Over dessert we began to talk about things that were coming up on our diaries. Eventually David asked Paul what we were doing tomorrow.

"Well, tomorrow morning it's time for a Hannah's maintenance spanking."

The conversation stopped dead. I stared at the last of the sorbet in my plate. Even the other guests seemed to have stopped talking. I could feel the tears of humiliation well up in my eyes. I felt like I was going to faint and tried to take in some deep breaths. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Paul lift his wine glass to his mouth.

Eventually David asked, his voice low so as not to carry beyond our table, "What's a maintenance spanking?"

"It's a firm hand spanking that takes places weekly in Hannah's case. They aren't as hard as punishment spankings. They help her in focusing on being obedient and behaving herself. They certainly help Hannah."

"Being obedient and well behaved is hardly how I would describe Hannah."

"Well, that's not been the case lately. You have both seen how she has been."

"And you actually go along with this?" Liz enquired incredulously.

"Yes." I lifted my eyes and looked at Liz. "I know how I behaved. I know I was a pain in the neck. It has done me good. I think it helps. Paul's not a monster. He cares. I've found a new respect for him lately. It's made a big difference, in everything."

"You have been much more pleasant lately, I admit." Her eyes had taken on a look that I couldn't read.

Turning to Paul, she continued as if thinking it through. "So she is spanked once a week?" He nodded. "Just to maintain her obedience and behaviour?" He nodded again. "What happens if she does something wrong?"

"She is given a harder spanking, a punishment spanking."

"What kind of things deserves that?"

"The first time it was for scraping the car, another a broken plate, things like that."

"What about obedience? Does she have to obey you as well, do what you tell her?"

"She does in some things, things that she agrees to. All this is consensual by the way, I don't force obedience on her."

"What do you say Hannah?" David coming in again.

I looked around quickly, checking no one was listening in. "I find I prefer being told what to do in my relationship with Paul. He is not a bully. Yes, he dominates me in the areas I want him to but I am not being forced into this. Everyone goes on about women's freedom, and I did too, but do we have the freedom to do, or have done to us what satisfies us?"

"Does it satisfy you?"

"Oh yes. In lots of ways. As I said I prefer to be told what to do, and spanked if I don't. Even when I am being spanked I prefer him to tell me exactly how he wants me. I like him taking charge and treating me like this. To be honest I didn't realise how much I could like this. I can understand you being a little thrown by it. I would have reacted to the idea rather badly before."

There was a slight pause before Paul came in. "Tomorrow morning I will be spanking Hannah at 10:00 a.m. if you would like to see what happens please come round just before. We'll be happy for you to see, won't we Hannah?"

"Yes."

"So we would like to share something with our friends. If you are not there by 10:00 we will start without you." He grinned and changed the subject.

It had been a few months now since I was initially spanked. I had eventually allowed myself to come to terms with things, that I liked being dominated by Paul, I liked being displayed, I liked submitting sexually. I knew the humiliations that Paul caused and the spankings he gave aroused me but couldn't quite work out how or why. I looked forward to going home from work these days, to being naked, being used. Sex was good, giving was good. I knew and accepted I was a slut, his slut. But this was a new departure, other people watching. I did realise things needed to develop, change over time, but this had surprised me and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

I was facing the garden, naked, by the window waiting for my spanking when the doorbell rang. I hadn't thought they would come to watch. I had been hoping it wouldn't happen after the conversation the previous evening. I began shaking. I tried to control it but couldn't do it very well nor the heat that was radiating from my face. Voices came from the hallway but not words, male and female other than Paul's. The door opened behind me and the aroma of Liz's perfume touched my nostrils. I was desperate to turn and look, desperate not to, desperate to cover myself, had been told very firmly not to. I could feel myself shaking slightly. Nobody else had seen me naked since we were married, no other woman since early puberty. I was so conscious of my body. I was stupidly concerned that they wouldn't like it, that I looked too thin or fat, or that cellulite had appeared or my proportions weren't right. It was silly and the least of my worries but I could help my mind. I had felt vulnerable naked with Paul clothed, now with two others as well it was so intense. I felt so submissive. I was suddenly breathing fast and shallow.

"Oh God I didn't expect her to be naked. I thought maybe you'd just pull down her trousers or lift her skirt."

"Yes. It's how we do it. It makes it easier. It also gives the correct messages.

She has to strip and prepare herself for a while, standing naked and contemplating everything. Then when I think she has had enough time I call her over to my knee."

"I'm glad I came with David. I was rather hesitant. I wasn't going to, but David wanted to come and I wasn't letting him see her on his own. He would have been over excited by the sight of her. You know what he's like, he always used to defend her even when she was mouthy. Why is she standing by the window?"

"It helps her come to terms with the situation. What's going to happen and why. Makes her realise what she is there for."

"Others could see her." Oh God, couldn't she realise that she was seeing me! David was seeing me!

"Yes, but unlikely. Still, there is the chance."

"Turn around Hannah." I did as I was told, keeping my arms behind me, my tits thrust forward and shook with my rapid breathing. My eyes were on the floor in my humiliation, I wanted that floor to open open and swallow me. I was forcing my hands to hold my arms desperately behind my back so I wouldn't cover myself. I couldn't believe I had the willpower to manage it. I could see my bared nipples jutting out as I looked down. I felt so embarrassed. I could see her tennis shoes and the bottom of her jeans and his shoes and jeans. It occurred to me that if they stayed where they were or sat on the chair when I was over Paul's lap they would see straight up my legs. My breathing was quickening even more, I felt faint.

"Oh my, she's shaved!" I steeled myself not to desperately cover myself with this further humiliation. I wanted to cry then but forced them back. I knew this would happen, I had pictured it so it shouldn't surprise me, shouldn't feel so extreme. Yet it was different. I hadn't imagined the feeling of their eyes on me, their surprise. I knew what my body looked like but they'd never seen it before.

"Say hello to your friends." They were both standing.

"He...ll...o Llll...Liz. He..llo David. " I stammered. He had a wry smile on his face and was obviously enjoying the pleasant surprise of seeing me naked and she had her eyebrows arched. I wanted to die and be transported to heaven. A few weeks ago I would have needed a quick retort, a quick comment to move the spotlight from me. That seemed a long time ago now. It was so humiliating to be made aware of my nakedness in front of both of them. I had been getting used to it with Paul. Now, with both of them there, even Paul's presence made me embarrassed. I had never been naked in front of two people, let alone three. It seemed hugely embarrassing in front of David, who I knew fancied me a bit, and Liz, his wife and her being another woman.

"Right, we need to get on with it, don't we? Why are you here Hannah."

"What? Oh... O... I am here to be spanked. By you.""

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes." More than ever I needed to slip into that world.

"And do you accept your friends seeing you being spanked?" Oh God? Did I? It was all coming to quick. I looked up at him, then down again.

"Yes." Shamed. "Please." I added.

Paul sat on the sofa in the same position as he normally did, Liz sat on the chair near where they were standing and David sat on the chair arm by her.

"I cant believe she would accept this considering how she is, well was, I guess."

"Mmm. Now Hannah come over my knee as you have been taught.

I was so aware of each movement my body made again as I accepted my position over Paul's knee, my tits swaying naturally and forcing myself to part my legs voluntarily. I knew Liz and David would see the compliance in my actions, that they would be able to see clearly between my spread thighs and maybe even the contact between Paul's leg and my pussy.

He began to stroke my bottom again and up and down my thighs. I opened my thighs even more. I couldn't believe myself. The constant humiliation was helping to deaden it a little. It made me feel less pathetic than I should, more aroused. It was like the spankings.

"She looks as if she is rather swollen." Humiliation coursed through me again making it worse. I closed my eyes even though I couldn't see them now I was over Paul's knee.

"She becomes very wet, you'll see. It's the effect it has."

The spanking began and I hoped to be able to forget they were there, just letting the spanking fill my head but I was unable to. Every few moments Paul would speak to me, reminding me that our guests were watching, telling me to make sure my legs were as wide apart as normal so that they could see me fully, that I should push my butt higher for them, telling me what she'd be able to see, all sorts of things, and at the same time he was heating my bottom with his slaps. They seemed so loud. I couldn't help shuffling about on his knees but if I closed my legs at all he would wait until I opened them again. My buttocks were on fire. I was so, so hot. He knew it. I felt so wet and bloated. It wasn't a punishment spanking but tears rolled though not many, I knew he would make me really horny. I'm sure it lasted longer than usual. The spanking had settled me into a state of mind that had purged the emotional baggage of them watching me. By the time he finished I could have cum really easily if he had wanted that, though I couldn't imagine how I could do that in front of them all.

After Paul had finished he rubbed cream on my sore bottom cheeks. I was clenching my anus in anticipation of his finger going in me. Thankfully, and I meant a big thankfully, he didn't push my limits really any further than he had, Though they had certainly moved on. Nor did I get to suck his cock though.

"Go over and stand in front of Liz." Oh my god! I felt my breathing quicken. I didn't know if I could go so low. I moved slowly over to her, stood in front of her. I gradually opened my legs more kept my eyes down but I could see her holding David's erection through his trousers. I knew she would see my thighs were covered in my juices, probably even smell them.

"I've heard of girls who like actually enjoy being punished. Are you one of those?" Liz sounded as though she too enjoyed this role.

"I... I... Yes. I think... I think I must be."

I was sent to stand at the window again and from my position there I could hear them talking just outside the room for quite a time, and at times Liz's laughter, but could not hear what was said. Eventually they both left.

It seemed a very long time before Paul returned alone and held me and cuddled me on the sofa and I sobbed a little. It was good in his arms naked. He was very good at caring for me after he had put me through the mill. I thought I would want to know everything they said but when it came to it I couldn't cope. I just let it go and sank into the comfort of his arms and he told me how good I had been. I needed him emotionally and physically then and, thankfully, he fucked me as I submissively knelt on the carpet. I wanted him to fully enjoy me, he could have done anything just then.

As it happened we all met up for drinks after work a few days into the week. It was only short thankfully, each of us going to different places after. No one mentioned Saturday morning but it was like an elephant in the room no one spoke of. But it was all I could think of. They'd seen me naked and spanked. And seen me excited by it. Liz was much more self assured and confident with me. I thought I could detect an amused glint in her eye. David looked like the cat who had had the cream and he didn't bother hiding his glances at my body. Though thankfully nothing was overt and we chatted virtually as normal.

She came to watch me again a couple weeks later, on her own this time. Apparently David was away on business. Apparently she had phoned Paul to arrange another visit during my spanking session. Paul had told me. Had asked me if I consented. I had nodded, whispered 'yes'.

Liz wore tight jeans and a T shirt. Her nipples showed as being hard even though she wore a bra. She had arrived before I had been told to undress. I was instructed to make a coffee for Paul and Liz and they went into the lounge. I took them in when it was ready.

"Now you can undress." Almost as if commenting on the weather, just a quiet off the cuff comment without any suggestion that it was important or may be disagreed with.