i am Kev's frannie, forever bound to the Woman who has both blessed -- and cursed - me with my unique fate.
Part 1
i first met my Keverly more than 25 years ago, when i became Her boss at our work. As a professional, i had strong boundaries about appropriate workplace relationships, so for a year and a half i was unwilling to recognize what was otherwise obvious: She was unlike anyone i had known -- refreshingly open and spontaneous and exciting. She seemed a very genuine person, easy to know -- or so i thought. Though i did not let myself acknowledge it at first, She was also beautiful: pretty, sexy and full of surprises. And there was this, reflecting a strange side of me i had not recognized before "Kev" eventually helped me to open up my many dimensions: She even bore a distinctive mark that maybe no other man would appreciate, but that was, and remains, a particular turn-on for me -- a large, pretty mole, just below her left knee. Her personality was magnetic, and looking back, from my first notice of it, that pretty mark surely beckoned to me, too. In time i fantasized about some day getting to know all of Kev better.
i am, by nature, a compromiser and pleaser, willing to bend to accommodate others. i am also fairly naïve, a quality that has variously served me well, and put me at great risk. My naivete once got me into a terrible bind, almost 20 years ago, that left me deeply indebted to Kev, and with great confidence that i could always count on Her when the chips were down. That event predisposed me to always give Her the benefit of the doubt, for She fearlessly rescued me from a terrible situation, just in the nick of time. Her courageous action back then allowed me to continue to enjoy a mostly "normal" life, when things could have otherwise turned out very grim indeed.
When my mind has replayed that event, many times over the years, it now stands out as a classic 'pyrrhic victory.' The very fate from which She saved me back then, turns out to have been almost playfully mild in comparison to what was to follow. i could not have known then that that Her selfless act of heroism was actually the pivotal moment when She ensured Her role as the Agent of my Fate.
Back then, though, Kev's great act sealed my heart's commitment to be with this Woman forever. i now realize i had already been falling for Her, a susceptibility that got me into the pickle with the bikers in the first place. As for those strong boundaries about workplace relationships? i must have deluded myself into denying a conscious attraction to Kev; but in hindsight i must not have been entirely discrete in my admiration for Her. At the time, Kev was enjoying an exciting relationship with a biker dude who would sweep Her onto the back of his Harley for all manner of wild adventures on the open Arizona road. She anticipated those escapes with passion, and often roared back to our office ablaze with exhilaration. In those brief moments of coming and going, though, something about Her biker friend left me unsettled: he seemed to be inconsiderate, disrespectful and insensitive toward Her, in contrast to what i felt She deserved. And i am
quite
certain he didn't appreciate Her astonishingly pretty knee!
i can only surmise that Her biker friend must have been doing some noticing of his own, picking up on cues of my attraction to what he already considered to be
his
"old lady." i was ignorant about biker gang culture, and i didn't like the way he ordered Her to do menial things for him. He was gruff, impatient, and
told
instead of
asked
. So i felt protective, like a good boss (and maybe more), and just wanted to be sure that Kev would be treated well.
My naivete left me blind to the trap he set when he one day dropped Kev back at our workplace after a ride "in the wind." When Kev went inside, her biker friend looked me over for a moment or two; and then surprised me by mentioning that "the boys" would be holding a bonfire out at the cinder pits the next night, and asked might i like to come on by and have a beer or two?
Why i decided to show up that night still mystifies me. i did not know any of "the boys," so i know it had something to do with my concern for Her. And "boys" meant i did not expect for Kev to show up there -- though i spent many subsequent years so grateful that that She ultimately did! At any rate, i put on a Hawaiian shirt and shorts and sandals and drove my pickup out to the cinder pits the next night, with a case of cold Michelob beside me. Two miles down a deeply-rutted road i found the bonfire with ease, and then saw a ring of dozens of shiny bikes lined up, side by side, in a huge perimeter around it. i backed my truck in to the only clear space i saw, and felt like a fish out of water as i opened the passenger door to grab my cold contribution to whatever little party was already unfolding.
With my hands full, i began to walk toward the circle of bikes. As i approached the one clear opening in the circle, Kev's biker friend suddenly appeared in front of me. He was very solicitous, offering to carry the Michelob, and insisted that, before we walked further, i should take a gulp from the pint bottle of tequila he held out to me. As i flushed from that swallow he encouraged me to "Take another, so you can catch up to the rest of us."
i remember seeing many of the other bikers approaching us, too, bearing wide smiles that contrasted sharply with the black leather wardrobes, adorned with chains and small weapons, that manifest as their common uniform. i felt a bit embarrassed about my shorts and brightly flowered silk shirt, and turned to look back at my truck for a moment (as if i might have a spare leather vest and chaps and pair of black boots there?). When i did, i was taken aback by the even larger group of bikers that had materialized behind me as i penetrated their shiny, Harley-ringed circle, alongside my beer-carrying escort, aware of the warmth coating my tequila-numbed throat.
There are very few gaps in my lifetime's memory, but exactly what happened to me in those hours after i reached their inner circle and its bonfire remains a mystery to me, even now. i suspect my brain has chosen to bury the details beyond my recall to protect me from reliving the nightmare that obviously ensued. Years later, we even tried to use hypnosis by a psychiatrist friend to unlock the details of my experience that night, but to no avail. The evidence, though, speaks for itself.
Some combination of intoxication, a biker's jealousy and vindictiveness, loyalty of a Harley Davidson brotherhood, tattooist needles and ink, and physical restraint forever changed my life that night. It is clear i was tortured in an astonishingly thorough manner for what must have been many hours. When i awoke late the next morning, laying on my back, disoriented on a couch inside a house i didn't recognize, my whole body was stinging. When i opened my eyes i saw Keverly leaning over me. She was gently rubbing something greasy and soothing on my burning chest. My head ached with incredible, throbbing pain that pulsed audibly between my ears. i remember looking up into Her sympathetic eyes, and saw Her force a weak, compassionate smile. i think i smiled, too.
i must have passed out again, because the next time i opened my eyes, a clock in a corner read "11:11 PM." Had i really slept away a whole day? i was covered with a light, silky sheet on the couch, and Kev was seated at the end. My bare feet, sticking out from the sheet, rested in Her lap. When She looked in my eyes i felt my heart leap. My surge of joy was tempered by the sensation of my whole body on fire, still smarting as it had before. i was folded into the sheet, so it was both beneath me, and shielding my nakedness. The room was dim. Kev sensed my awakening consciousness of these details. With a look of deep sympathy She reached for the dimmer switch on the wall beside Her and brightened the room halfway.
Puzzled, as i looked at Her i took in additional details: a large, hand-held mirror at Her side; a wastebasket full of smeared tissues. Something about my bare feet in Her lap caught my eye, and as She continued to rub them i saw She had playfully decorated them with little heart shapes on their tops, and on a few of my toes... Cute!
"How are you feeling?" She asked. i took stock of myself: i felt a combination of pain, peacefulness, confusion and joy that was hard to capture in words, so i just responded, "OK, i guess." Immediately Kev said, "Oh, Frank. Last night -- what were you doing there? I am so,
so sorry
