With bed full of books, mind full of mess, and phone full of unread messages, I sat idly fighting myself.
What had happened in two days? My life had changed. My best friend, with whom I thought I wanted nothing, had become the primary source of my wanting. He had said and done things that couldn't be reversed. How had my life gone to a state of utter chaos? How had someone like me landed into an island of confusion?
My thoughts, sane and rational, fogged my mind. I closed my eyes and put my head down on my lap with my hands tangled in my hair.
Memories of his smile and the words we said came back to my mind.
-
"Hi."
"Hi. What are you smiling at?"
"You've made your decision. About the- relationship"
"Have I? And what is it?"
"I need you to say it; I need to hear it from your lovely mouth"
"Yes."
"Amy, I need you to know I will hurt you."
"And Aiden, I need you to know I will be here."
-
My irate phone buzzed earning a hiss from me as my calmness seeked shelter from my anger. I took the phone in order to switch it off, only to see 99 messages from Aiden.
Aiden: A
Aiden: M
Aiden: Y
And this childishness continued.
I called him up.
"What is it?" I asked whining.
"Are you ok?" he asked with concern, so unlike his childish messages.
"What do you think?" I asked.
"I think there's something going on in your brain despite my earlier successful attempt at showing you that you want to be with me."
How did he know this?
"I- I think we should reconsider all this" I said, hoping he would get the hint that I was indeed suggesting I want out.
"We'll discuss this tomorrow." He simply said.
Oh no! Did I really want to talk about this? My heart was beating hard. I found myself not wanting out.
"Good night Amy" he said and hung up.
I switched off my phone and concentrated on my work.
Tomorrow- College
I sat idly, aloof, thinking how I would approach this topic. I had already hinted last night. My first relationship and first breakup. What kind of girl says 'yes' one day and 'no' the next day? A terrible person! And why, oh why, did I feel like my stomach curled when every time I felt that after this breakup I was going to be broken? Did I want this relationship or did I not want it?
"It seems I should never leave you alone. Only then you will be focussed on what you want." Aiden said as he came up behind me, breathing on my neck, pushing my thoughts aside.
His finger touched the nape of my neck and I closed my eyes as he closed his fingers around my neck to bend it back and placed a kiss on my lips. A pure moment of my incapability to deny him... or - submit.
Soft, prolonged kiss, closed mouth. Only his lips pressing mine.
As he broke the kiss, I opened my eyes to see a pair of blue eyes staring intensely into mine.
"What's wrong?" he said as he frowned.
Our professor chose that moment to enter and broke our trance and we straightened up.
Politics! A subject of my interest, failed to keep me engaged today as the wheels of my mind turned and worked overtime to generate an answer to Aiden's question. I didn't even know the basics of a breakup. I desperately needed a 'how to' manual to deal with this.
As the lecture ended, so did my time to come up with the answer. Others dispersed and some girls where approaching me but the site of Aiden, they gestured 'some other time'. Everyone left. Aiden and I stood still, facing each other, in the big, giant empty classroom.
"I – I don't know anything." I said and he frowned asking me to elaborate.
"Look, I know I said 'yes' yesterday after we..." I blushed and a smile crossed across his face. I took a breath and continued, "But after that, ever since that actually I have been thinking about everything. About us. About how you are when we are alone and when you do things to me. I-"
"Let's go somewhere private and talk." He cut me off.
He held out his hand and without a thought, I took it, realising after a beat I should not have done that. Am I becoming dumb?
-
We reached my place. A smile crossed my mind at the irony. Just day before yesterday, we were at my place and my life had changed. Will it change today as well? Will I be more devastated than I am now?
Throughout the walk home, he was quiet. As soon as we entered my home, my heart raced, and just as I closed the door, he pinned me to the door, and his mouth attacked mine.
Oh! The kiss. He was pouring all his defence into it. Trying to give me more than reason itself to be with him. Cutting me off before I tried to speak- before I broke us up. His teeth took my lower lip hostage and kept tonguing and sucking it. He then gave tiny little bites and found my tongue, as he licked it, once, twice, oh my! Of course, he had ravished my mouth before, plunging his mouth into mine. But this – this felt ten times more. His ragged breathing made me aware it was same as mine! He was affected- hugely!
He was relentless. His hands went tugging me, my waist, my breasts. Oh my! He kneaded them and I felt- I would die if he stopped. I found my own hands, grabbing his head and arms, feeling the dire need to support myself, and stop myself from losing. His tongue sucked mine hard and I moaned.
He pressed my mouth hard against his and held me tightly, as he quietly ended the kiss, leaving me – speechless and in a state of nothingness.
"How do you feel?" he asked, catching his breath and still holding me, tightly.
