The shades are down. You see they have to be. I'm doing something I'm ashamed of, and I can't let it get out. I really need to stop, but I just can't.
Suddenly I hear a sound. I look up at the doorway. My fat fuck roommate Sarah seems to be using her phone to record me.
"What the fuck, Sarah! What the fuck is wrong with you!"
"I knew it Courtney, you hypocritical bitch, I just knew it and now I have proof!" She can be really crass and mean sometimes. She seems to enjoy being cruel to me.
Ok, a few things I need to clear up.
First Sarah is not really fat. Although she's heavy, she's really just curvy. She has a pretty face. Also, she's a beautician with a great sense of fashion, so her hair, makeup and clothes are always perfect.
That being said, however, she's made no secret that she is jealous that I can eat whatever I want and still be built like the proverbial "brick shithouse". She also can't stand that I'm naturally very pretty, even without makeup, and my hair is a gorgeous red that augments my pale blue eyes.
But what really gets her goat is that I'm a total granola girl. You know the type; lots of denim, body hair, crazy long and unkempt mane down to my ass, no make up. In other words -- the opposite of her.
"You're so goddamned pretty, Courtney! Why don't you play that up! And why hide that amazing body under those ridiculous loose skirts and Doc Martens!"
This again. Those words have been her mantra since subletting from my "real" roommate Kelly, and moving in with me last month. I try to keep my distance, but she just seems to have it in for me. She continually mocks me and my friends and picks fights whenever she can.
Oh, by the way, I'm sitting on the couch surrounded by McDonalds wrappers. I have a half eaten Big Mac in my hand and a tray of McNuggets in front of me, along with large fries and a chocolate shake. Oh, and an apple pie.
Why's that a problem? Because I'm kinda a celebrity. I am an outspoken advocate, local political figure and blogger. My issues? Veganism. Locally sourced food. Community agriculture. I make my living ranting against big food chains, fast food, unhealthy lifestyles. I do local television appearances, I'm about to win a seat in the state senate (or at least that's what the polls are saying). That would be huge and finally give me a reliable source of income, not to mention make my parents finally believe in me.
Essentially, my whole identity, my sources of income are tied up in advocating NOT eating fast food.
And 99.9% of the time I am a vegan and a health nut. But every so often, a few times a year, I secretly indulge myself in junk food. And this is one of those nights.
"Goddamit, Sarah, you've got to delete that movie! Quit fucking around!"
"Um, actually I don't have to do anything you say. In fact, it appears you're the one who has to do what I tell you to!"
"Or what?" I regret saying this as the words leave my mouth.
"Or what? How about if I send this video around, starting with Dan?"
"No!"
Dan is my boyfriend. He's a major earth-boy tree hugger too and doesn't know about this fast food thing.
"And how about Rick Stevens!"
Rick Stevens - my political nemesis. A hard right conservative I'm running against for the state senate. Oh yeah and he's the incumbent, so me winning would be huge and it would be a huge humiliating upset if he were to be beat by "a girl", and a hippy girl at that!
"Oh yeah, definitely Rick Stevens! He and a lot of other people would love to see what a god-damned hypocrite you are, you elitist holier-than-thou bitch. The idea of knocking you down a few pegs is pretty appealing to me."
As I said, she can be cruel, but I'm pretty sure she means what she's saying here.
I'm fucked. If this video gets out, it's all over; the senate seat, my very successful blog ("Eat like an animal") and currently my only source of income. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Ok - what do you want?"
"She looks at her phone. "Hey Siri, call Curt, and put the call on speaker." Curt is her boyfriend.
Decent looking in a redneck-ey kind of way, but no one I'd go out of my way to hang with. Curt's mostly about his Bruins, Patriots and Red Sox. Went to college for a while, but half-assed it and majored in business. Now he works at his dad's used car lot. Not ambitious at all. He's always wearing jeans and a trucker hat and usually making crass jokes.
He calls me "Granola".
I constantly hear them fucking in her bedroom, Sarah making noises like a barnyard animal. I don't get the appeal, but from the noises she makes, you'd think he's fuckin' Lawrence of Arabia.
"Hey Sarah, what's up?" I hear his voice over the phone speaker.
"Hey babe. You know how you're always saying you wanna fuck a redhead someday?" She gives me an evil leer and winks. My jaw drops. No fucking way. "How about if I set that up for you?"
"Hell yeah! Woo-hoo!"
Ugh. What a simpleton.
"You're welcome, babe, but you owe me."
You set this up girl and you name it; it's yours.
She hangs up and looks at me; "Well, looks like I figured out what you are gonna do to get me to delete these movies."
Movies - with an "s"?
"What movies?"
What the fuck is going on here?
"Oh yeah, I guess I can tell you now. I also have a movie of you plowing your hairy snatch with your blue dildo. And who's Isiah? I caught you moaning his name while you were doing it. The lighting sucks, but it's easy to tell it's you. I guess you should make sure your door is fully closed when you have one of your "jilling" sessions from now on."
Isiah is this really hot black guy I know. I work with him part time at the co-op. Oh, and he's Dan's best friend. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
You see, Dan's a great guy, but not a great fuck. He's just so respectful and gentle which is great, but sometimes...um....I just wish I could get plowed and used as a fuck toy. When I try to tell him that, he gives it his best shot, but it's just not his style. But he's a nice guy and helps me out with my mission to save the world, so I put up with the passable sex and make up for it with my dildo and my imagination.
"God-dammit Sarah, I really have no interest in fucking your lame boyfriend!"
"You really want to press my buttons? You don't think I'd do this?" Fuck. I know she would.
"Ok, so there's no other way around this? I have to fuck him and then you delete the movies?"
She gives me an evil leer and laughs.
"Um, no. There's a little more to it than that........"
Fuck - what now.....
This all happened earlier this evening. It's now 10:00 pm and Curt is on his way to fuck a redhead, although he doesn't know I'm the redhead he'll be fucking. He'll be here in an half an hour. He wanted to finish watching his Bruins game first.
Sarah is holding up a mirror to my face.
I can't believe what I see. I'm in the chair at her salon, I've been shaved, plucked and showered. My leg and armpit hair are long-gone. My wild red mane that previously stretched down to my ass is now shoulder length adorable curls, with tints and highlights. My blue eyes look as big as saucers thanks to her genius with blush, eye shadow, fake eyelashes, lipstick and a bunch of makeup I don't even recognize. I haven't had this much makeup on since I used to experiment with tarting myself up with mom's stash when I was thirteen.
I want to hate this and her, but I have to admit that she has made me fucking beautiful. She's a world class cunt, but she's really good at her job and this version of me is the proof.
"Why are you doing this? Why do you care what I look like?"
"I'm doing this because I can, and you're welcome, by the way." Is her terse response.
"See, you stupid bitch. It doesn't take much to make you fucking gorgeous, but don't get used to it, I'm only doing this for Curt, and you're going to pay me my going rates, cunt."
Fuck.
We stop at Victoria's Secret on the way back to our apartment and she makes me pick out and buy a negligee top and matching panties. "Blue - make sure it's blue, slut - powder blue to match your eyes."