I describe my kinks to myself in this way: I prefer BD to SM, I'm on that end of the BDSM spectrum. I see the point of using pain in a kinky relationship, but I have my limits. Pain is there as a turn on, but how far my limits go haven't been tested. The mere thought of CBT just fills me with dread and fear. The phrase I like to use is 'soft', that is, soft materials (cotton, silk, and lace) rather than the hardness of leather, plastic, and metal. The soft domination of words and the mind, not forced domination through collars, dungeons, and torture. The soft power of two minds and wills colliding and playing is what really turns me on, a woman who can control me completely through her sheer power alone, without the obvious props (or cliches) of domination. I know, I'm picky, I expect a lot - but that is part of my kinkyness. And it gets worse!
This sub part of me is perhaps the most basic, the most simple part of me - the most easy to please: I want to be used and fucked by a powerful, dominant woman. I want her to take her pleasure from me. I want to give her pleasure and to worship her, that is how I will find my pleasure. I want to lick and kiss her feet, her legs, her thighs. I want to worship her pussy and taste her divine powerful juices. I want her to make me do this, by sitting on my face and grinding herself into me. I want to help her cum in whatever way makes her feel best. Her pleasure will be the root of my pleasure.
But this is not all of me. I am not only in it to serve, my kink is also to play the power and resist. I am an awkward sub, a real pain in the ass (and I'm not just talking of pegging here!). I think every mistress I've talked to has ended up in despair or frustration. I love to submit and worship, but I also challenge. I will follow rules and obey, together with also breaking those rules and stating my own terms. To this extent I'm a brat, but I don't challenge just to be disciplined - I challenge because I can. It's a win-win: when I challenge my dom may assert her power and overwhelm me, which will make me so happy inside. But if she accepts my resistance and backs down then I also win, it gives me the thrill of power over her. The power of submission is not one way, I just love the feeling of playing it back. I think this is where role play is going to be such a wild experience for me when I have the chance!
It gets even more complicated, however, because I know there is another side to me. I love my sub nature and want to worship the pussy power of my Goddess. But I also have a dom in me that wants to express himself (or perhaps it's an genderqueer themself?). As well as submission I fantasise about control, of authority - of putting a woman over my knee and gently giving her the thrill of a spanking for her naughtiness. Of tying her down and playing out her fantasies on her, of shoving my cock in her mouth, or eating her out when she's under my power, or fucking her when she's unable to resist. I still do this with the desire to please, to get my pleasure from her pleasure and to feel the strength of fulfilment from her cumming for me. But this is not the vanilla sex of 'being the man' I'm expected to be, it's a quite particular horny kink on my kinks, a part of the bigger me.
These two parts - the sub and the dom exist in me quite happily together and come out in their own ways, perhaps with context and person. I am a pleaser, so perhaps I respond to the particular need of the partner - giving them whatever side of me they would prefer. I think I have been doing this all my life without knowing and without my partners also knowing what it was they were wanting. As I look back with the knowledge I have now I wish I could have talked more to them about this, to explore with them their own buried and rejected kinks. Perhaps I would still be married if I'd been able to do this?
But I know it's essential for me to be aware of my kinks and how they work, and how they match and feed into my partner's own kinks, and if I don't do this and play out that power with them the sex will always be too vanilla for me. I may be a switch, or a brat, or a part time dom - I don't know and I don't care about the label.
I just know I'm kinky, and my kinkyness is kinky in itself. I like to call this kinkyqueer and I've got the rest of my life to find all the kinks that still remain buried: how the contours of my kinkyqueerness can work for me and my lovers.
