Lying in bed I heard the front door open as the family came rushing in.
"Shhh, quiet little ones. Mummy may still be asleep." Peter's voice sounded overly concerned.
My heart lurched at the sound of his voice. That voice that had taught me so much. That voice that had taken me to places that doubted I would ever be able to get to again.
I loved him so much. In just a few hours that love was a twisted dark thing. As soon as the love entered me, it gave way to that raging hatred that comforted and hurt at the same time.
I wanted to find a way to make him suffer for doing this to me. I would find a way to make him pay.
I heard him take the kids into the kitchen, preparing them hot chocolates. They must be tired. The hot chocolate trick came out when they were drowsy. It helped get them to sleep. The warm bath worked well also. Just as I loved my hot baths, my children loved theirs. Sure enough I heard the water in the bathroom running, and I knew that Peter worked our strategies to get them to bed. Our strategies we'd devised together.
It could only have been about eight at night, at the latest. Peter must be tired, I thought sarcastically. It must be such a trial for him to have the burden of family these days.
Soon I heard a tiptoe into the dark room. I held my breath.
"Anna. Anna? I saw that you had a bath while we were out. How are you feeling honey?"
"Sore. I am really sore. And I feel sick." Without throwing up, that reply was the best I could manage.
"Do you need anything love? Can I take you to a doctor or something?"
"Just leave me alone." I said more unkindly than I intended.
I remembered that I had to behave myself till I knew more. I rolled over to my back so that he could see a little of my face in the reflected light.
"I'm sorry darling. I'm just so tired. So very tired and sore. I'm not thinking straight. I don't want to go. I think I'll be ok. I really need to sleep."
Peter smiled and moved over to me. He gently tucked the sheets in around me and leaned in and kissed my forehead.
"Darling, I'll sleep on the fold out tonight. I won't open the door again. If you need me, just call my name and I'll come running for you. I'll get the kids into bed. They're exhausted anyway. I'll watch a film or something. I could use an early night myself. Love you."
And with that the door closed and I was alone with my thoughts again. At first the bitterness overwhelmed me. Of course he didn't want to sleep with me tonight. The guilt alone must be paralyzing.
In my minds eyes I saw him with her again, in the window of that pub, kissing her, the same look of lust in his eyes that had always been reserved for me. This image kept the anger high and I lost any creeping warmth that might have moved over me. I had to remember who he was now. Who he'd become to me. Like I'm in some sort of training. I had to stay focussed on what he'd done to me, but in a way that didn't paralyze me or send me crashing in on myself. I'd never been as strong as Peter and now was the time to use all the training he had given me against him. I had to be the stronger one.
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