I was just sitting at my desk minding my own business. Literally. I own and run a bus company. I have a couple of dozen coaches. Most of them are on regular routes but I have a few that I lease out for excursions.
The local college is quite a good customer. They do have their own school bus but sometimes they have teams going in different directions and that's when they give me a call. They actually had one of my coaches right then. The netball team had booked the school bus and suddenly they needed an extra bus for the football team who had arranged a practice game.
Well, I was sitting there, fat and happy, as all my buses were out and running, and then the phone rang. My secretary picked it up and then transferred it to me.
"Dean Samuels," she told me.
"Dean Samuels," I said. "How can I help you?"
"Ah, Mr Bailey," he said, "we've run into a slight problem. Your driver has had an accident and has broken his arm. He's on the way to hospital now, but we need another driver. We're due to leave immediately."
OK. I could sympathise with Mike and his broken arm but there was nothing I could do about it. I'd have to get a full report on the incident but that could wait. Right now I needed a driver. I ran through the list and found I didn't have any more drivers on immediate call.
Well, management decision time. I was licensed and occasionally drove and this was an emergency. And I'd get in to see the football free.
"Hmm. It seems I don't have another driver immediately available, Dean Samuels," I said, "but as it's for the college I'll come over and drive myself. I'll be there within half an hour."
Mutual kissing and we both signed off. Dean Samuels was happy that we were bending over to help him and I was happy to get out of the office for a while with the prospect of a game to watch.
I left my secretary to hold the fort for me, giving her instructions to find out what happened to Mike. I wanted that report available as soon as I got back. The Health & Safety guys are lethal and you have to be ready to face them.
As promised I was at the college within the half hour. To find that the football team had not waited for me. As their need was immediate, they'd hijacked the school bus and gone. Suddenly, I was going to be driving a bloody netball team for a couple of days.
Fortunately, the netball coach had organised the players and got the luggage stowed. All I had to do was get in and drive.
What a joke. There was luggage and equipment lying all over the place. What looked like a hundred yacking women were in the bus, out the bus, running around and getting in each other's way.
I looked around for the coach or whoever was running the show. No older woman appeared to stand out from the crowd. I tried to politely attract the attention of a couple of the young ladies to find out what was going on, only to get the brush off. OK. I could handle that.
I hopped on the coach, turned up the audio loud and snapped "Everyone sit down and shut up". When that came booming over the speakers the girls did shut up for a few moments. I took advantage to ask who was in charge.
This pretty young thing put her hand up.
"Ah, that would be me," she said. "I've been asked to go along with the team, seeing the coach has been hurt."
"What happened to the coach?" I asked.
Someone sniggered. "Your driver," said a voice.
I turned a lethal gaze on the girl who spoke and she coloured and backed up a little.
"Ah, your driver tripped over and crashed into her. They've both gone to hospital. Your driver has a broken arm and Coach has a badly sprained ankle," she explained quickly.
"I see." I turned to the teacher and asked what the hell was going on.
That's when it was explained to me that the football team had taken the school bus and I had inherited the netball team.
"Alright. Have the girls get their gear and line up next to the baggage compartments so that I can stow it."
For the next five minutes I watched the teacher trying to round up the girls and get them moving. When Coach turned on the girls it was like watching a trained sheepdog working a flock. Watching this woman I got the distinct impression of a sheep trying to round up a pack of sheepdogs. As useful as tits on a bull, that woman. It wasn't working. So I stepped in.
I borrowed the teachers whistle, gave a hard blast and started sorting them out. The women all lined up with their luggage and I stowed it. I directed all girls except the captain and vice to get on the bus, sit down and try to shut up. The captain and vice were directed to get the team's equipment together and help me get it stored.
With that all organised I asked for the passenger list, checking off that everyone was accounted for and that there were no extras. For a netball team of seven plus coach it was surprising that I had twenty four passengers all told. But they were all on the list and that was all I had to worry about.
One of the little innovations I implemented with college passenger lists was to make sure I had the ages of all passengers. If I was travelling with minors I wanted to bloody well know it, and see the authorisations signed by parents. I was lucky this time. All of them were theoretically adult.
Finally we were off. The charter was quite simple. Drive to the motel that had been booked. Have a light meal. Drive to the game. After the game, back to the motel to stay the night. Home next day. A nice easy run, even if there wasn't a football match at the end of it.
A nice easy run. Another joke on me. I hadn't even left the city limits before I found I was driving the bus from hell. Mike didn't trip and break his arm. He probably found out he was driving the netball team and deliberately threw himself down the stairs. And I couldn't blame him.
The girls sang songs. The girls chattered. The girls argued, loudly. The girls were constantly changing seats. And they were doing all this all at the same time. Wendy, the teacher who was supposed to be instilling a little decorum in the group, huddled in the front seat of the bus and pretended not to notice what was going on. A few hints from me that she should quieten the girls down were carefully ignored.
A couple of times I got on the mike and demanded they cool it a little, after which there'd be a time of relative quiet, but it didn't last. It soon became obvious to me that there was one young woman, a redhead, who was deliberately stirring up trouble. I saw the captain and vice-captain both speak to her at different times, but she would just smile sweetly and shrug as though none of it was her fault.
A little power struggle going on I surmised. Maybe the redhead wanted the captaincy or something. I took time to ask them to settle down, please. I finished up with a daddy's threat to the kids.
"You don't want me to stop the bus," I told them. "You wouldn't like it if I have to stop the bus."