Change Can Surprise You,
Part 2: Ready For It?
(nod to Taylor Swift)
OGT, the doctor I've been traveling to for massage, played Enya during our session today. Ok, that was a reasonable choice for soothing massage music. I approve. I found out his middle name: Geoffrey. It's cute; different. I like different. Dr. Oscar Geoffrey Tanner, OGT kind of rolls off your tongue. He is still meeting me at the back door but not to bring in my massage table because we decided to use one of his tables. I prefer mine, however less set-up, tear-down and more time for massage. I've contained my feelings for now but they are unpredictable at this point. I am completely unpredictable at this point, as the desire inside of me is ravaging from the inside out.
I think I'm onto him, though--honestly, he doesn't need me anymore, unless he just wants to continue the massages because they feel good. I continue to think about him for an entire week after our session ends and then it's time for another session! In the long run, I don't think this is good for me. I've decided, after the massage next week, I will end it. He's going out of town for a personal trip and this is when I'm planning to split. I have to! "In the middle of the night, in my dreams, you should see the things we do..." ~TS. No lie! I'd be kidding myself if I said I haven't caught feelings. How does that happen? We barely talk during our sessions, yet my body pulsates in his presence. I feel so exposed, like my heart is luminescent and he can see it! In reality, he has no clue and that's for the better, trust me; he is better off not getting to know me and my troubles.
Well, this is it. I'm here at OGT's office. He's greeted me at the door with a smile. I smile back and then look away. I'm dressing one of his personal massage tables and I feel his eyes on me! I'm too nervous to look up but I also want to catch him staring. I've almost finished dressing the table and he's migrated towards the speaker. Enya again, wait...no, no, no! What? Alright, I knew I was onto something but seriously?
He's playing Taylor Swift!!!!! I cannot believe this guy! Oh, he's good or does he actually like Taylor Swift? Oh my god, I want to die right now before I melt into him completely! Yeah, this guy actually likes TS!!! I can't believe it, well that's cool, but it also debunks my theory. Hmm. I guess it was just me, all in my little ol' head. So silly and rather immature of me but there was something about his energy that called my name. Still, the plan is in place and I'll be grabbing the stool I brought to leave here for my own massage comfort, as I have a second at my studio.
Only five more minutes to touch this beautiful specimen of the male species--and suddenly I lose the confidence needed to tell him in person that I step down from all professional massage duties as his hired massage therapist. As I pack up my things, he reminds me of his two-week absence and I slyly but also awkwardly tell him I'll be needing my stool back at the studio. He thinks nothing of it. He tips me well again and I skedaddle away as quickly as my feet can possibly skedaddle. I have done it and my heart can finally slow down. But I feel as if I've left something magnificent behind, so magnificent that I am feeling so small inside. I am ashamed of myself for being so scared. Where was that brave woman who could pick up any prey of choice at the coffee shop? Where did she go? Have I lost her forever?
My intention was to allow a few days to go by before reaching out to him via text message but I couldn't keep it bottled in any longer than I already have. He is enjoying his trip and the last thing I want to do is ruin his good time but I have to tell him...something. But what? That I yearn for him...that I wanted him to turn over on the table and pull me into him...no I can't tell him that. I'll text him something short...well that was an epic fail--texting something short, not how it all panned out; his response was rather interesting. To summarize, I essentially fired myself which left him confused but I was unintentionally cryptic and so I confessed to him that I felt like a little school girl which he found kinky and so we are continuing to talk. And talk we did, back and forth for days. I feel as terrified as I do exhilarated and we've agreed on a day to meet up in person, this time at his house and not for a massage.
"Are you ready for it?"
"Ready for what?" I asked coyly.
