Brat Thoughts

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have a rather busy life. I work full time with a fair amount of overtime and two hours of commute per day. (Gotta figure out how to use those two hours to write I think. But dragging my lap top about doesn't appeal to me. And if I write with pen and pad, well...I might not be able to read what I wrote!) I also spend time online with my Master, which is not something I want to give up. It gives Him a very effective way to discipline me when I have displeased Him, I must say. He makes me write out lines concerning what it was I did, or what I am not to do again. It's a very economic punishment. I really don't like doing it. Writing it out that many times really sinks it in. And I lose those hours I would have otherwise spent talking with Him, plus have the guilty knowledge that my disobedience or thoughtlessness deprived Him of His kitten's company as well.

I tend actually to do those on the bus once in a while, if I'm worried about finishing them on time. A bit interesting that, wondering if anyone is reading over my shoulder-assuming they could read what I wrote. Sighs, now I'll have to ask Master if a line counts if I can not read it.

So my life is basically my Master, my work, and my writing.

The job is very new, only about ten weeks old. The people I work with are wonderful, it's that rare place where you're "family". I was there for two weeks when I moved into my new apartment, and half the place offered to help move me. So they're friendly. I like them. They like me. But I fall into this niche all of my own. I work with young men in their early 20's, or (mostly) grandmotherly types. Hanging out with the "boys" would feel weird, and I'm not so sure Master would approve of that anyways. And I don't think the 62 year old, hearing aid wearing "grandma" who always gives me a hug in the morning would enjoy a night of dancing to my kind of music.

So I work. I write. I talk with my Master.

And I think.

I have a far and fast wandering mind. Just ask anyone who talks to me regularly about how they have to lead me patiently...or not so patiently...back to the subject at hand.

I get these interesting random thoughts and just like any bouncy kitty spotting a scrap of paper or a invitingly flicking tail, my tendency is to pounce on that new thought.

So I think. And I write. And I read.

I have a lot of time to think.

I can think on the bus. Assuming I am not doing lines. And contrary to those who might "know" me, I am not ALWAYS in trouble! Just, a bit more often then I ought to be. And I am working on that. I do learn lessons, eventually. Especially after writing out what displeased Master 200 times!

I don't slip smoothly into sleep either. And I wake up a lot, so plenty of hours to think there, all warm and cuddly in my quilt. I'm working on Master's suggestion to just empty my mind. But there's that unfortunate little fact that my mind doesn't much like being empty. And no use telling me to count sheep. I'll either start making up a story about sheep or I'll drive myself nuts trying to pull up some stupid little factoid about sheep that I almost remember.

I run the returns department of a publishing company in Minneapolis. I have to concentrate on my numbers obviously when I am working at my desk. But I spend a lot of hours returning books to their proper place to put them back in stock. I have a very good retentive memory, so I run around the miles of warehouse since I have already memorized where most of the books I am dealing with are to be found, mind free to contemplate.

I have been thinking a good bit about two things lately. The one rather leads me to contemplating the other.

I have been so busy working towards end of the year inventory. Want a night mare, just consider trying to inventory a billion books or two. I'm very much regretting that I am too old to run away!

So I have had less time then usual lately to write. Terribly sorry for that. I get itchy and irritable when I can't write. Making up in my head future stories to eventually post is NOT enough. Not to mention that I feel really guilty for leaving the people who are reading my two chapter series sitting there thinking, what the hell, did she run away and join a nunnery?

I am somewhat...paused, in regards to the Brat Fantasies, for various reasons. They will start showing up again, eventually. I love writing that mix of fantasy and reality way too much to abandon it. It's just fun to take the fact that yes, I really do have an Irish temper and I have suggested something highly ill mannered in one of my rare loss of temper fits. And I have hung up or gone off line when I got scared or upset.

I do "lose" my cell phone constantly. And I really do have that slight bit of poor depth perception that has me kicking doors and table legs.

The school house I wrote about was real. It did have an outhouse...I hate those things with a passion! My grandmother owned it and I spent a lot of days there.

I just don't have the time at this moment to work on Brat Fantasies. The Spiked series is already written, up to a point at least, which I am quickly approaching the end of. Posting them is thus rather easy. I get an hour or two and type them in, editing and adding more to the parts that ask me to as I go.

As far as the Darkness series goes, that's something I wrote a few years back. I discovered it as I was unpacking in my new apartment. And I am SO leaving my 10-20 writings boxes until the very last. I don't unpack them. I sit and read.

I loved the story then, when I was writing it. I loved it even more rereading it. I knew my writing had improved since I had written it, and I just thought, this is something different. I know what I write is usually just fluff. At times I maybe manage "pretty" fluff, but what I write simply, merely entertains. It doesn't rock or change anyone's world. It's not important or special.

I want to think, god knows I hope, I write better then the writing one sees where even the kindest reader thinks...this came out sounding like a ninth grader with a C in both English and creative writing. I hope those lines that leave me laughing, sighing, or feeling the goose bumps at least give an enjoyable half hour.

I think that is why Reena's tucked away in a box story pulled me back in.

Her story does not start pretty.

By the time she is 13 this child basically, simply hates, other then her mother. In Reena's world, a magic tweaked medieval age, she has little reason not to.

Her mother is a street corner whore.

In her wretched hovel in that stinking little village, all the mothers that she knows are whores.

There is power, and passion and a will to more then merely eke out a pathetic existence in Reena.

This spark did not ignite only when her mother was raped to death. At five years of age, plump still with baby fat, she reached for that wooden practice sword and copied with awkward stance that on guard position.

Reena makes me think.

Kiara does also.

I have had some wonderful feedback telling me that these fiery female characters are liked. I keep writing, when it would be so much easier to say, you don't have time for this, put in more overtime, do some laundry, go to sleep early for once.

I write because I have to,, but I get the energy to do so from people who tell me that they like what I write. It's easy to read a story then quickly move to the next without even taking that 20 seconds to vote. So my little bits of fluff, they are especially for the ones that vote, leave me the public comments, email my posted address. This author thanks you.

It would be, I think, rather easy to just say , I'm too busy to write, why bother? You write horribly anyhow...I tend to be my worst critic regarding the "bits" I write. So when someone leaves a posted request that I hurry up with the next chapter, or tells me I definitely shouldn't let Kiara "go" it makes it easier to carve out those little bits of writing time.

I like strong women. I find them so much fun to write about. How can you not like a woman creative enough to use any weapon at hand. Knocking a man out with a rock hard stale loaf of bread, that's not exactly run of the mill!

I like smart women to. My Kiara knows to run like hell after the fact. It's just too bad for her that Bane is equally smart, and totally focused on running her to ground.

That particular fact is something I think about and explore in basically all of my writing.

Men are usually physically stronger then a woman. Admittedly, square a 5'6" spindly fellow against a 6' kick boxer or black belt Amazon, I think we all know who to put the money on.

But that's not usually the case.

As a submissive female, that fact especially intrigues me.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately.

I am rather new at actually living in the BDSM lifestyle. Still finding my way, my place. I think sometimes in trouble more times then not. I don't mean to offend or irritate, but I have a bit of a scatter brained, disorganized personality. I forget things a lot. Sometimes take forever to learn something that I have been told to learn. Sometimes I still lose my temper.

There's more then just a smidgeon of both Kiarra and Renna to me. And it's a struggle at times.

Sometimes I still want to slam down the phone or slap the lap top closed and run off in a huff.

Each new step forward, frightens me at first.

It's not easy for me to trust.

I have known for a long time that I am submissive. I didn't know enough to know it then, what normal 13 year old knows what a submissive is? But I would sneak into my parent's bedroom after they'd left for work in the morning and read my mother's Harlequin romances. Back in the early 80's, those books were admittedly tame. But every hero was a Dominant male.

I discovered John Norman's Gorean books when I was about fifteen.

I would read those books and a part of me was whispering, I want someone like that. Another part of me eventually always erupted and flung the book against the wall with an infuriated hiss of "try that on me buddy!"

I still do that a bit. Accounts for the brat in me I guess.

I have a very patient Master. A really good thing that. One without patience would probably have throttled me by now.

I'm not a quiet, demure little thing. I have an Irish temper that I still sometimes lose.

I'm not that perfect sub that I read about and feel guilty that I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. I will learn, and I will improve. I think I am doing so. I have stayed and talked about new things that make me feel timid rather then bolting from Him. I have obeyed in ways I never could have six months ago.

Every day, I become more His.

I wish I could learn these lessons quicker. It saddens me that I have made Him feel that He needs to be sterner and more strict with me. I feel that I have lost something. And I know that I failed Him with those little not thinking, forgetting, scatterbrained actions.

It's something I thing about a lot. I am a caretaker. I need to please those I love. But often to do that, to keep them safe, to get for them, mostly in regards to an autistic child, I had to be a Reena, a Kiarra. I had to be a fiery, mouthy woman. Sometimes being one who needs to make things better for those one loves can only be attained by having a fighting spirit.

It's not always easy to remember that I can just be that one who loves, and wants to please.

Thinking about fierce woman, and the stories I am working on now...

I asked the ones who are reading my Spik(ed) series what they thought about the idea of my letting Kiara be nearly killed, attacked by random Vampires and drained enough that when Spike gets to her and kills the vamps, he can only choose to let her die, or turn her with Willow's help to let Kiara keep her soul.

One of my wonderful reviewers didn't care for the idea of Kiara as a Vampire. She liked that Kiara, tough and kick ass as the girl is, was no match for the Big Bad. Well hell yeah, I love that about the whole situation as well, damn straight! But, if Spike turns her, as her Sire, the way I read the picture and choose to write it, Kiara has way less power. As her Sire, he can tell her, basically "sit" and she will be compelled to obey. It's the Sire/child thing. And Spike is a Master Vampire.

Kiara is a fierce lil thing, but I don't think she would be better then a 200 year old Master Vampire.

Even if Kiara is vamped, Spike will always be stronger then her. She will always be his kitten.

So if you read this my sweet reviewer, can you let me know if how I describe how things would go with Kiara as a souled vamp would sit with you?

I'd love to hear what anyone who reads the Spik(ed) chapters think. I know how I wrote it...but where I'll actually take it...smirks. I can perhaps be influenced. When I wrote it I think I was wanting a way for Spike to have someone for always. Humans die. If a vamp can avoid those pointy things...not so gotta be. So I am looking for a way to give Spike someone forever. That will fit in with the flattering comment that I could write on this story for decades!

So I would love more feedback in regards to what I should do to Kiara. I write for you...if it's split, heck, I'll even write two versions. I love this story. Kiara is pretty cool as a human, and as a souled Vamp.

Reena by the way, will always stay human. Just a bit touched by magic's. And poor thing, the Darkness rather likes Bane. It will never erupt against him. So, girl better play nice with the Mercenary warrior, ya think?