On a hot Saturday afternoon, I stand near the iconic fountain in Rockefeller Plaza with my "smart" phone, swiping right on a gorgeous redhead. Alice Jackson, 29, 33-24-33, Aquarius, and a "wild kinky stock broker" just like me. She likes my profile just as much, so we seal the deal right right away. I'm sure she'll love getting "brokered" by my big fat cock.
Six hours later, I arrive at the front door of apartment 609, six stories above Broadway. I'm twenty minutes early for our dinner date, and she's taking a shower, so I stand awkwardly in the hallway, listening to her singing "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen. The worst number one song of the twenty-first century. Whatever. I picture Irish Spring soap sloshing all over her milky d-cups, and my dick starts rising. I bet myself twenty bucks that she has pink nipples and red pubic hair. Just like Faye Reagan, my favorite ginger porn star.
She turns off the shower, and I immediately ring the doorbell. She opens the front door a moment later wearing only a red bath towel.
"Hey Roger!" she beams sweetly.
"Hey Alice. I love that fancy evening gown."
She giggles sweeter. "I suppose it was just a crazy coincidence that you rang my doorbell right when I was getting out of the shower."
"Uh . . ."
"How long were you standing there in the hallway, picturing me all wet and naked?"
"Uh . . ."
She laughs haughtily. "Come on in, you little pervert." She takes me by the hand into her luxurious living room, full of posters for recent Broadway shows like
Black Rappin' Lincoln
and
Vagina Monologues 2: Back to the Slit.
"Hurry up and get dressed. I'm starving for pizza at Casa Italiana." Those big green fairy eyes are hypnotizing as hell.
"Why don't we just stay here and have my homemade pizza. I'm a really good cook."
"Fine, whatever. It's hot as hell out there, and I'm starving."
"Me too. Let's get naked to cool off, and have a little appetizer."
Much to my pleasant surprise, she rips off that red towel and tosses it aside. Pointy pink nipples, a small rectangle of red hair around her clit, and a tattoo of a dolphin right above it. Bingo.
"Can I have a little sausage to snack on?" she beams, gesturing toward what she means by that euphemism.
"Hell yeah." I unzip my khakis, eager to find out how crazy she really is. "Thank god you're not one of those bitchy vegans." I whip it out, and her eyes light up.
"Whoa, that's a
big
sausage! Forget a snack, I'm having dinner right now." She drops to her knees, strokes it with her pale dainty hands, and licks the tip. "Mmm, a nice juicy bratwurst."
"Shut up and gag on it," I grunt, jumping right into my usual dominator character.
"Yes sir," she giggles. She shoves it in her mouth and sucks it with reckless abandon. Slurping like 7/11 and gagging repeatedly. The curtains on her living room window are wide open, giving her neighbors across the street some free voyeur porn. My kind of girl.
"Fuck yeah. Deep-throat me like hell."
She keeps gagging and slurping and groaning and making a funny
poof
sound every time her lips slide off the tip. I want to make this last, so I grab her head and pull it back.
"Play with those balls, bitch."
I push my dick back against my crotch and mash her face into my testicles. She gives them a thorough oral examination while massaging my prostate. I gaze at a pile of Wall Street Journals with complete disinterest. She stuffs both of them in her mouth at the same time.
"Good girl. Keep those balls in your mouth for thirty seconds." I count out loud to thirty while slowly stroking my cock. She keeps them in her mouth after I finish counting. "That's what I call a bull market."
She giggles at my stupid joke, forcing my balls out of her mouth.
"Get down on the fucking floor. Time for some 69 in apartment 609."
"Yes sir, Mister Savage," she giggles. She lies down on the red shag carpeting and stares at the ceiling while I get naked. I get down on the floor, and she "sits on my face," to use a popular but inaccurate expression.
"Put that big cock back in your mouth, and fucking choke on it."
She follows my order promptly, making more nauseating noises while I lick her pussy and slap her ass.
"Spank me hard!" she groans. I'm happy to oblige, purging out my frustrations and turning her pale white skin hot pink. Definitely the best blowjob I ever had. She even sticks her tongue in my pee-hole. Only the most fucked-up ladies are willing to do that.
"I'm gonna fuck your face, bitch. Get up on your knees," I bark out. She kneels on the carpet, and I skullfuck her face, faster and deeper until I'm gagging her like a machine gun. I pull out with a macho growl, and she sinks back to catch her breath.
"What, are you getting tired? Put it back in your mouth!"
She shoves it back in her mouth and clamps her teeth down on the middle of the shaft.
"Oh yeah, use your teeth. Eat that fucking bratwurst."
She nibbles upward, slowly and gently, and pauses just below the most sensitive part.
"Come on, bite that fucking tip!"
She bites down much harder than I was expecting.
"Oh god, oh god, you crazy fuck!"
She giggles with her teeth locked on to the tip, savoring my agony. She finally lets go, and tosses her long copper bangs with a naughty grin.
"I love a hot bitch with bite."
"I can do a lot more than bite you, baby. I'm a full-on dominatrix."
I burst out laughing. "Seriously?"
"Fuck yeah. I love tying guys up, and whipping them like hell, and screwing them with strap-ons."
"It doesn't say that on your profile. It just says you're a 'wild kinky stock broker.'"
"I prefer to use the element of surprise, like a good army general. They never believe me at first, because I'm a sweet redhead who doesn't look like a cliché lesbian prison guard."
"Men are so shallow."
Her king-size bed is surrounded by kinky toys and about a million BDSM DVDs. I don't watch any streaming porn either, with all those hackers lurking about on the intrawebs. She puts on a red leather army cap and a red leather harness. It makes her look twice as naked as she did with nothing on.
"You will address me as drill sergeant, and you better follow my orders to the fucking letter," she barks out.
"Yes, drill sergeant."
"Lie down on the bed, face-up."
Oh shit, here we go. I've dominated plenty of women ever since my hazy Harvard days, but I usually don't let the chicks wail on me. I'm just too damn manly.
"That's an order, soldier!"
"Yes, drill sargeant." I lay down on top of a plush red comforter on a memory foam mattress with red memory foam pillows. She binds my hands and feet to the brass headboard and footboard with red cuffs.
"I guess it's too late to ask if you're a serial ax murderer."
"Shut the fuck up!" She opens a drawer and pulls out a red ball mouthgag. "I'm gonna jam this thing down your throat, so I won't hear your sass mouth while I go medieval on your ass."
"Fine, do whatever you want. But you better drink my cum."
"Shut the fuck up! Nobody gives orders to a drill sergeant!"
She jams it into my mouth and fastens it firmly with a red strap.
"You're a smart-ass rich guy from the Big Apple, but you're in the fucking army now, so you better treat me with respect.
"
She goes to a shelf and picks out a leather riding crop, then she straddles my lap and slides it across my chest.
"I caught you jerking off while watching me take a shower in the officer's quarters. That's a major offense, soldier. Do you know what happens to perverts in my platoon?"
I shake my head. "Uh-uh."
She whips me hard across the chest, and I recoil in pain. "
That's
what! No court marshal for you, motherfucker!"
She whips me ten more times, and I sort of like it. Taking a little pain from a sexy lady after stealing money from millions of hard-working middle-Americans at Goldman Sachs.
"You're not sorry at all. You just want to suck my pink nipples."
"Uh-huh."
"You want to bite 'em real hard. Just like this."
She bites my nipples painfully hard, and twists them even harder. I groan loudly and thrash about, rattling the metal bars like hell.
"Those man-titties are gonna be real sore when you're climbing ropes tomorrow. Speaking of which . . ."
She pulls out some coarse hemp rope and whips me with it a dozen times.
"Time to bring out the big guns. I'll be right back, soldier. Don't go anywhere." She walks out of the room, leaving me in deathly suspense. She returns a minute later holding a paper grocery bag. She straddles my lap again, then she pulls out a big gun and points it right between my eyes!
"Hasta la vista, douchebag."
"
Aaaaaoooowhaaaaa?!"
She pulls the trigger.
"BANG!"
"
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
"
I'm still alive and well. A jet of cold fluid hit me right on the left eyeball. A fucking squirt gun! She laughs maniacally.
"Fuck yeah, I punk'd you so fucking good! It's an orange squirt gun that I painted black."
"Huh
hoo,
ooo huhee
huhh
!"
Her smile instantly reverts to a frown. "What did you call me, soldier?"
"A
huhhh!
"
"Nobody uses the C word on me, motherfucker!"
She squirts me a dozen more times, and whips me even more. "It hurts twice as much when you're wet. I filled that gun with ice-cold water, to maximize the sting." She licks some cold water off my face, and masturbates slowly. "Ooh yeah, torturing big macho guys gets
me
nice and wet. It'll hurt even more on that big fucking dick."
She jacks my Johnson with both hands until it stands tall again, and squirts it with icy water. Then she gets a red cat o' nine tails and whips it in a rapid blur, stinging every square inch. I rattle the brass bars helplessly and cry for mommy.
"Take it like a man, you fucking pussy!"
She whips my cock relentlessly while jacking her clit. She finally takes a break, catching her breath.
"I'm judge, jury, and executioner rolled into one. A female Judge Dredd."
(Oh shit, I'm totally gonna write that screenplay!)
Alice pushes my dick back against my crotch and whips my balls with the cat. She grabs a red dildo and fucks herself while whipping me. Then she pulls out a miniature rotating blade thingy.
"Say hello to my little friend. This ain't a pizza carver, it's a cock carver."
She performs frantic fellatio for ten seconds, bringing it back to full mast. Then she rolls the cock carver slowly up the shaft. It doesn't take much prickling on a penis to make a man miserable. She rolls it along the tip and down into my pee-hole, laughing like an Arkham lunatic at my abject suffering.
"All right, I've had my fun. Have you learned your lesson, soldier?"
"Uh-huh."
