You Are All I See

I was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and feeling sorry for myself for the third night in a row. The girl troubles of an eighteen year old guy still in highschool were not that critical in the grand scheme of things; I fully understood that yet somehow the thought did little to cheer me up. I rolled over onto my side and tried once again to think of something else, anything else, just to take my mind of her for a little while.

Andrea had been my girlfriend for almost two years and things had been going really well I thought, particularly as I watched the constant string of breakups happening around me. Then her family decided to move away. Some bullshit about her father's job I guess, I hadn't really paid attention at that point of the conversation. She had been as upset as I was over the whole affair but there was precious little we could do; neither of us were independent enough to leave our families and live on our own.

"Hey Alex," came a soft voice from the doorway.

Even with my back turned away from her I recognized my older sister's voice immediately, she must have finally gotten home. The day Andrea actually left it hit me pretty hard and, naturally, the one person I could have talked to about it wasn't around.

"Hi Megan," I mumbled back.

"You want to talk?" she asked.

Mom had no doubt told her what happened as soon as she walked in the door, it would at least save me the trouble. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to talk though, I was getting to the point where I almost enjoyed the self-pity in a weird sort of way.

"You miss her pretty bad, don't you," she said without really making it a question.

I nodded and felt Megan sit down on the bed behind me and reach out to ruffle my hair the way she did sometimes.

"It's stupid, I know," I said. "Just a highschool crush, we probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. Even people who get married don't last very long."

"But now you'll never know," Megan said with that note of understanding in her voice that I loved to hear.

My parents loved me and they did their best to empathize with me but they were a different generation and they just didn't understand. Megan was different; she didn't always have advice for me but she listened and, more importantly, she never judged. That was the main thing that set her apart from my parents and even my friends, I could tell her the most embarrassing and terrible things I'd done or thought and she wouldn't so much as flinch.

"Yeah, that's part of it I guess," I said.

I returned to my previous position on my back and looked up at my sister. She was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest and looking at me with a completely neutral expression.

"It's not really a big deal though is it," I continued. "People are starving and dying all over the place and I'm whining about a girl. Suck it up, right?"

"Alex," she said slowly, "just because yours isn't the worst problem in the world doesn't mean you're not allowed to care about it. It's okay to be sad that Andrea's gone, even I'm going to miss her."

I felt tears welling up and blinked them away quickly. Megan wouldn't care but I hated to cry even when I was alone, it made me feel pathetic. Or maybe it was just because I only cried when I was already feeling pathetic, hard to say.

"I dreamt about her," I said quietly. "The past two nights I wake up and she's in the room with me, it seems so real. She doesn't talk or anything even when I talk to her. Then I try to touch her and I realize she was never there." I snorted, "more of a hallucination than a dream I guess, since I'm awake and all."

Megan nodded thoughtfully and I noticed she was chewing on a few strands of her hair in the corner of her mouth. Usually that was sign she was focused on something and not paying attention to what she was doing.

"Sometimes that happens to me," she said. "When I'm stressed or worried sometimes I get hallucinations like that. One time I woke up and was convinced there was a massive hole in the floor. I had to go to the bathroom but I was terrified I would fall if I got out of bed. I think I ended up actually jumping off the end of the bed where I thought it was safe. Funny what you remember sometimes isn't it?" she finished, smiling at the bizarre memory.

"Yeah," I agreed, forcing a weak smile of my own.

"Anyway, think you'll be okay?" she asked.

"I think so, probably just going to sulk for a while then I'll be fine," I told her.

"Alright, well I'll be around if you need me," she said as she got up to leave.

"Thanks Megan," I said before she made it out the doorway.

"Anytime little brother," she called back.

****

Just like the previous two nights I woke up disoriented in my darkened room. Andrea was standing beside the bed watching me and I smiled happily at her.

"You're back," I whispered.

"Just checking on you," she whispered back. "You were making noises like... I don't know, bad dream maybe?"

She ruffled my hair fondly the same way Megan always did and I enjoyed the feeling for a moment before realizing what was different.

"You talked," I accused her.

"Yeah, so?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"You never talked last time Andrea, how come you can this time?"

She paused for a long moment, long enough for it to dawn on me that she had touched me too. When I had tried to touch her the previous two nights she had simply vanished like a ghost. Pushing my luck I reached out and gently felt her arm. It seemed solid and, better yet, she stayed exactly where she was.

"Maybe your imagination's just getting better," she said softly.

"Maybe," I agreed. "Can you stay with me a while?"

"Sure Alex, just for a little while."

She lay down next to me on the bed facing me as I shifted to give her enough room.

"I'm glad you're here," I told her. "I miss you so much already."

I leaned in to kiss her and felt her hesitate for a second before pulling away. I frowned in confusion and backed off.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing, just... it's nothing," she said.

I tried again and this time she didn't back away when I kissed her, although she didn't seem to be responding much either. Then again, I reminded myself, she was just a figment of my imagination. I stroked her bare arm up and down and felt her slowly relax under my hand. When she seemed calm enough I reached for her breast and gently cupped it in my palm.

"Alex!" she protested as she grabbed my wrist.

"Shhh," I hushed her.

Even with her loose grip around my wrist I began fondling her breast delicately before pinching her nipple a little roughly the way she liked it. I heard her gasp and smiled to myself before pulling my hand free of her fingers and sliding it down across her tummy. Her legs were bare which I found odd since I could have sworn she had been wearing pants when she climbed into bed with me but I didn't dwell on it long. It was just another inconsistent detail to remind me that it wasn't really Andrea in my bed, just a facsimile created by my mind.

She was tensing up again as I caressed her thigh and slowly worked my hand under her shirt. Still I was unprepared for her reaction when my fingers reached her panties.

"No!," she yelled sharply.

I jerked away instantly as though I had been burned. She may have seemed reluctant before, but that was a flat out order to stop.

"I'm sorry, I didn't... I'm sorry," I apologized.

Her face softened as she saw how upset I was getting and she pulled my head to her shoulder.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm not mad. Just go to sleep Alex, just go to sleep," she repeated soothingly.

She rocked me gently in her arms for a while and I felt myself gradually calm down before finally drifting back to sleep.

****

"Man that was a weird night," I told Megan the next morning.

"Why's that?" she asked.

"Just the dreams. Hallucinations. Whatever."

We were eating breakfast and I was taking advantage of the time before our parents showed up to talk to my sister before I had to go to school. I was worried my memory of the previous night would bug me all day and was hoping Megan might say something that would help.

"Andrea showed up again," I continued. "It was different thought, more real. Like she was actually there almost. She... she didn't want me to touch her though, I don't know what that means."

"Could be nothing," Megan suggested. "Could just be your brain could only handle so much."

"I don't think so," I said, shaking my head. "I remember she held me after that, like it wasn't the contact that was bad just the, y'know, sexual stuff."

I felt my cheeks get slightly warmer even though Megan didn't so much as blink. It wasn't the mention of sex that embarrassed me, we had talked about that stuff many times before, but when I said it out loud I realized how dumb it sounded that I had tried to fuck the product of my own imagination. Still, I guess if I had been thinking clearly at the time it wouldn't have been much of a hallucination.

"Maybe it's just my subconscious trying to tell me something," I sighed. "Like I wasn't good enough for her." I smiled wryly, "I probably wasn't, you know."

"Don't say that Alex, don't ever."

I was taken aback by how firmly my sister said those words, like the idea that I didn't deserve Andrea bothered her more than me.

"Well, whatever. There must be a reason for it though," I persisted.

"Maybe," Megan said thoughtfully. "Just try not to dwell on it too much, alright?"

"Alright, I'll try," I agreed even as I doubted my ability to follow through.

****

I had a hard time getting to sleep that night, I spent what seemed like hours tossing and turning in my bed. The thought that maybe I really hadn't deserved Andrea while I'd had her surfaced occasionally but really I was more worried about her showing up again in the middle of the night. The memory of how she had reacted when I had tried to touch her really bothered me.

I felt myself being shaken and stared around in confusion. I didn't remember sleeping but the clock on my dresser said it was almost three in the morning so I guessed I must have. Andrea was once again beside my bed, this time with her hand on my shoulder looking concerned.

"You seemed like you were having a bad dream again," she whispered.

"I don't remember having any dreams," I shrugged dismissively. "But anyway, can you tell me something though while you're here? Last night, did I do something wrong?"

"No, nothing wrong. I'm sorry about last night, that was my fault," she said, smiling faintly at me.

She climbed into bed with me and this time I made sure she had plenty of space and made no move to touch her.

"Alex, I love you, you know that right?" she asked.

"Yeah Andrea, I know. I love you too."

She flinched a little as I said her name. That seemed weird to me, if anything I would have expected her to flinch when I said I loved her.

"This might be the last time I'll be here," she told me. "I want you to understand how much I care for you so... we can do anything tonight Alex, anything you want. I won't stop you."

"Are you sure? We don't have to if you don't want to," I replied.

"I'm sure, anything you want just for tonight."

I tentatively reached out and brushed her cheek, it felt as real as last night and this time she didn't back away or tense up at all. When I kissed her lips they parted for me giving me as much access as I wanted. I let my hand fall to her breast and caressed it lightly over her shirt feeling the nipple harden under my touch.

All the things Andrea used to like when we had sex were flashing through my mind and I was determined to make her happy, especially since she said this might be the last time I saw her. I gently kissed her earlobe, barely brushing it with my lips, before nibbling on it as delicately as I could. She moaned quietly as I traced my lips down the side of her neck to the collar of her shirt; that would have to go.

"Sit up a little," I whispered as I found the bottom of her shirt.

With her help I pulled the shirt up over her head and dropped it on the floor. Her breasts were as amazing as I remember, even in my darkened room. If anything I would almost have said they looked better.

"Mmm, you like them Alex?" she asked.

I nodded affirmatively with my mouth already locked on the underside of her left breast where I knew it was most sensitive. She was still completely passive, letting me do all the work, but at least she seemed responsive to my efforts; every now and then she would let out a low moan and squirm a little on the bed.

Eventually I slid down toward the bottom of the bed, stopping briefly to nuzzle her tummy as she lay on her back watching me. Her panties were damp and I breathed in deeply, enjoying her smell immensely as I had so many times before.

"This okay?" I asked with my hands in the waist of her panties.

Again there was that slight hesitation before her answer.

"Mm-hm, anything you want tonight li- Alex," she whispered.

I caught the stutter in her voice but ignored it, the one piece of clothing remaining on her body occupied my entire conscious mind. Slowly, so slowly, I pulled her panties down her legs and over her feet. She lay before me then fully naked and so beautiful to me I could do nothing but stare for a long moment.

"What you going to do now?" she whispered nervously.

Her words jolted me into action and I spread her legs farther apart before leaning in close. She was trembling beneath me and I stopped momentarily to look up at her.

"Are you scared Andrea? Nothing to be nervous about," I promised.

"I know, I'm just... waiting."

I shrugged to myself and leaned back to her waiting pussy. Stroking her pussy lips up and down with my fingers I gradually parted them to reveal her firm clit that seemed to be begging for attention. I gave it a quick lick and felt a surge of satisfaction as I heard the small whimper from the head of the bed.

My tongue danced across her clit, giving her the short, fast touches she liked as I slowly pushed one finger inside her pussy. Her pussy muscles clamped down when my finger was only halfway inside and I stopped for a moment until she relaxed. When I felt her pussy loosen up sufficiently I inserted a second finger and started pumping them in and out without letting up on her clit.

Soon her breathing was becoming noticeably more ragged and her hips were wriggling beneath me. I closed my lips around her clit and licked just the tip in long, smooth movements. I thrust my fingers as rapidly as I dared and kept my tongue in position as much as possible while she came, then sat back grinning.

"Mmm, that was nice Alex," she breathed.

My smile spread wider and I crawled up to kiss her again, letting her taste her pussy juice on my chin. I was so horny at that point and my cock was straining uncomfortably against my shorts. I reluctantly pulled away from my lover long enough to strip them off then climbed back on top of her.

The nervousness had returned to her face but there was also lust evident in her eyes as my cock brushed against her wet pussy. I let my erection slide up and down the entrance to her warm cunt until I felt her hips rocking against me, then gently pushed inside her. She immediately stopped moving and closed her eyes as I worked my way deeper.

"You miss that?" I whispered into her ear.

She didn't say anything but simply nodded slowly in response. I began thrusting my cock in a slow, gentle rhythm inside her pussy letting her get used to my presence. I ran my hand over her breasts as we fucked, alternating simple caresses and swirling my fingertips across her nipples. When her hips began rising and falling to meet my movements I increased my pace, thrusting inside her faster but still not too hard.

"Oh god Alex, keep doing that," she moaned.

I was close to cumming at that point but held on as best I could while maintaining my pace. The fingers of her left hand sank into my upper arm as she buried her face in my shoulder while her pussy convulsed around my cock. I couldn't hold myself back any longer as I felt her orgasm hit but fortunately I didn't need to. My cum sprayed deep inside her still spasming pussy just as her orgasm was beginning to fade.

My arms strained to support me any longer as the last of my semen emptied itself from my softening cock and I barely managed to roll off of her before collapsing. I lay there for a few minutes listening to the sounds of our breathing returning to normal before turning to her.

"Fell better now?" she inquired.

"Yeah," I said. "I really do."

"Good."

****

A few weeks went by after that night and I was definitely feeling like I was over the worst of it. I still missed Andrea sometimes but it certainly wasn't as constant or as painful anymore. I knew the last encounter with her had been a dream, it was pretty obvious afterward even if it had felt so real at the time, but somehow I think it helped anyway.

I found myself spending a lot more time with Megan at least partly because she was, once again, the only girl in my life. She didn't seem to mind me following her around like a lost puppy either, just another testament to how much patience she always had for me.

We were sitting around in her room talking about nothing in particular, me on the bed and Megan at her computer, when I noticed the box on her dresser. I had seen it there earlier and hadn't paid it any attention, but when I took the time to read the writing on the side I realized what it was and froze.

"What?" asked Megan, turning away from the game of solitaire she had been idly playing when I stopped mid-sentence.

Following my gaze she saw what I was looking at and a look of resignation passed over her face. On her dresser was the box for a pregnancy test kit, and it was open.

"I'm sorry," I said and felt myself blushing. "That's none of my business."

"No, it was stupid of me leaving that lying around. I just didn't think... well I didn't think, let's leave it at that."

Megan got up and tossed the box in her garbage can before sitting back down. I wondered if I should leave, the situation was pretty awkward and I didn't know what to do short of hoping it would blow over given time.

"I'm not pregnant," she blurted out finally.

"Oh, okay."

"I just got nervous," Megan continued. "There was a guy about a month ago and...." She shrugged helplessly and visibly tried to gauge my reaction. "You're not going to tell mom or dad, right?"

"Come on Megan, you know I wouldn't do that. I am kind of glad you're not pregnant though," I admitted. "I don't think I'm ready to be an uncle."

"And I'm not ready to be a mom," she replied, seeming a little more relaxed. "Hopefully I won't be as dumb in the future."

It bugged me a little that Megan had even considered that I might tell on her, but I consoled myself with the thought that she was probably just nervous about the whole ordeal. She had been hiding it pretty well up until then, I hadn't even noticed anything different.

****

It wasn't until that night while I was lying in bed that a disturbing thought crossed my mind. I pushed away immediately the first time but it kept returning, just gnawing at the back of my mind.

It was almost a month since the last time Andrea, imaginary Andrea rather, had shown up which would put it about the same time Megan said she might have gotten pregnant. Just coincidence I assured myself, that's all it could be. And yet when I recalled how real Andrea had seemed at the time, how real the sex had been, I couldn't help but think there might be more to it.

Eventually I got tired of the speculation, what my mind was suggesting was not something I should ever think about. Just the thought that I had somehow mistaken my sister for my ex-girlfriend and....