Who Was I Fooling?

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Author's Note

This is part five of an eight-part story. You should read the parts in order, or the story won't make sense.

Part 1 is

here

.

Part 2 is

here

.

Part 3 is

here

.

Part 4 is

here

.

This story contains content which may not be suitable for everyone. Please read the author's note for details.

I'm not getting many comments or feedback for this story. If you liked it, I would appreciate it if you'd drop me an email. Thanks!

***

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Who Was I Fooling? - Part 5

The year was 2009

***

Dr. Fee was sitting on her couch in jeans and a sweatshirt. After I finished my long narrative of what happened on the boat trip and all that passed since then, she had a look of concern on her face.

She stripped off her sweatshirt. Underneath, she had on a tee shirt with an image of a wobbly Oscar the Grouch holding a bottle of liquor captioned with the word "Trashed". It was something a college student would wear and was not at all what I expected out of a professional counselor in her mid thirties. Seeing someone her age wearing a shirt like that was transgressive and delightfully subversive.

I looked her over.

"That's a lot to take in Noise and I'm sure you want to talk about the fight more than the trip. Let's close the book on the boat trip, first. Do you have any concerns or regrets about what you did on the trip?"

"I don't," I said. "I'm not going to lie. I enjoyed it and I was thrilled to experience some of the things I wanted to try with friends."

"So, you have no feelings of remorse or regret?"

"None," I replied.

"Good," she said. "I sensed that wasn't an issue. I want you to know that I'm an open book. If you want to go back and ask questions or you want to process later what happened, I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Dr. Fee," I said.

"Tell me exactly what happened that got you fighting with Belle."

"A couple of days after we got back from the trip, Belle pulled me to a table for two at the back of the cafeteria at lunch. She asked me to go to prom with her," I said.

"She did?" she asked, clearly intrigued. +

"Yeah. She asked me if Micah had asked me to prom yet. I told her he had not, and she got all excited, grabbed my hand, and asked me if I would go with her."

"Was this a surprise?"

"Absolutely," I responded. "I'm not sure whether it should have been, though. When we had sex on the boat, I told her that I was was mostly heterosexual and a little gay. She told me that she was the exact opposite. She then told me she had a serious thing for my tits."

Dr. Fee gave a laugh with a snort. She was embarrassed that she laughed. "Sorry. I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at how life is. You are blessed, girl. I hope you know that. You're going to have many people over the years develop a serious thing for your tits. I've experienced a fair share of that myself." She gripped her own breasts. The image of her hands over the words "Trashed" on her tee shirt made me laugh.

"So, when she asked you to the prom, how did you react?" she asked.

"I was having a hard time processing it at first," I replied, "I said it out loud to myself like I normally do. I said: 'Belle wants me to be her date to prom'. This made it real and in that moment I was extremely shocked. Naturally, going with her was something I never considered. To be honest, I hadn't even thought about going to prom at all. I pulled my hand out of hers. Then I said, 'No, Belle. I don't want that.'"

"And that's when she started yelling at you in front of everyone?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "It started a bunch of rumors. It was very uncomfortable."

"What were the rumors?" she asked.

"Taylor and Kylie told me that people think Belle and I are fighting over possession of Micah and Garreth. Taylor and Kylie said there are people who are taking sides as to which boy is being fought over and which boy ought to get which girl. Either way, it made the four of us the center of attention."

"What happened after that?" she asked.

"I decided that I needed to take drastic measures. I needed to prove to Belle that it was a relationship concern and not a gay thing. I also needed to get us talking again, so I played the only card I had."

"Which was?" she asked.

"I told them if all three of them didn't meet with me in the next twenty-four hours, I would spill the tea on our exploration. I'm not sure if you understand how provincial my school is. It is a very small and conservative private school. There have been students who've come out before, but not very many, and everyone knew before they came out because it was so obvious."

"How did your friends take that?" she asked.

"Not well, but they came and talked. Everyone was pissed at everyone else. Micah hadn't asked me because Belle told him she was going to ask me. Micah begged her not to, but she ignored his concerns. Once Belle declared she was going to ask me, Micah was afraid to ask. He didn't want to risk that I would choose another over him.

"Garreth was devastated that his girlfriend had chosen someone else. He was also pissed because although he hadn't asked Belle to attend, they'd agreed in principle a couple of months back that they would be each other's prom dates. Due to the late hour, he was going to be left in a lurch with no one else to go with.

"Belle was devastated that I'd refused. She didn't believe me when I denied that I was embarrassed to be labeled as bisexual. She didn't respect the idea that I didn't want any serious interpersonal attachments. She directly threatened to out me if I didn't go with her. She said that Micah had confessed to her that he was head-over-heels in love with me and was lying about his lack of attachment. Micah felt horribly betrayed by that and they ended up in a huge fight right there.

"Of course, Garreth and Micah were mad at me because I threatened them. The whole scene was oppressive and it made me extremely sad and angry. I raked Belle over the coals for being so shabby to Garreth and Micah, who had been her best friends for the last two years. That made her cry.

"I told Micah that I was proud to be his girlfriend and that I thought he'd earned the right to escort me to prom. I gave him three days to pull his shit together and ask me. I said that if he didn't, I was going to ask Garreth. I walked away from that discussion with quite a bit of fear that Belle wasn't acting rationally. I was afraid that she was going to do something stupid. She sent me texts and for a second time, threatened to out me if I did not go to prom with her.

"The next day at school, I caught my creative writing teacher Mrs. East, just before classes started. I handed her a short story I wrote. I told her it would stir up controversy and I asked her if I had her permission to read it to the class that day. The story was about a high school girl who was a closeted bisexual with two suitors: one same sex and one opposite sex. She lived in constant fear of being outed by one or the other as the two suitors contended with each other.

"The story spoke mostly about the various pressures and expectations that everyone put on her. At the end of the story, word is leaked by one of the suitors that she is bisexual and the story ended as the girl stood on the precipice, waiting to see if her life would be destroyed. The last line of the story is 'My name is Eloise Aldridge and I am bisexual.'"

"Oh wow!" said Dr. Fee. "What did your teacher say?"

"My creative writing class was just before lunch. Mrs. East pulled me aside before the class. She said she loved my story. She thought it was very brave and she told me that if I wanted to read it, she would back me all the way to the school superintendent. Mrs. East called on me last near the end of class and I read it. There were audible gasps in the room as I came out publicly. The second class was out, several of the people literally bolted from the classroom so they could be the first to spread the news. I figured it would cause a stir, but I had no idea the poop storm I would cause.

"Mrs. East held me back to make sure I was okay and asked if I wanted to see the school counselor. I refused. By the time I got to the cafeteria, the school had turned into a circus. When I walked in, everyone looked at me and quit talking. It was like the scene out of a movie.

"I don't want to go into detail on this, but I had some hurtful experiences. My closest friends Kylie and Taylor were upset. They were partly disgusted and partly hurt that I never confided in them. They avoided me. I ended up sitting by myself.

"Noel, a homosexual guy I considered a dear friend scoffed at me and called me a poseur in a very catty way. I got a lot of comments from the peanut gallery. Most of these were propositions from guys who've never had a girlfriend. I got a few comments telling me I was going to hell-- that was fun. Three of the gossip-minded girls asked me who my female lover was and asked me if it was Kylie or Taylor, which made me realize I'd unwittingly put them in the firing line.

"When my locker was vandalized, I was pulled into the Principal's office. My father and Arden got called into speak to Principal Smith. He told them about reading my story and some of the hazing that I'd faced at school because of it. He claimed that he was concerned about my mental health, but the truth was that I was a distraction and he wanted me gone. He sent me home for the rest of the week.

"Dad and Arden were both pissed. They claimed it wasn't because they were against bisexuality, per se, but because they were caught flat-footed having to answer questions about my sexuality with no warning. I told them that I came out to avoid being outed with a revenge motive. I told them that the only way to avoid being a victim was to seize control.

"Dad was shockingly understanding. He said I handled it like a true Aldridge. Arden, however, has been after me non-stop to figure out who was trying to get revenge on me. I know if I tell her, she'll push my father into exacting revenge, which is bullshit. It is just high school, you know?"

Dr. Fee nodded, She actually looked quite emotional when I said that.

"How did your brother take it?" asked Dr. Fee.

"He is royally pissed at me and feels betrayed because I never confided in him. I know that he's gotten into at least three fist fights defending me. I feel bad. I honestly didn't consider the impact on it to him. He hasn't spoken to me at all since I came out.

"While I was at home from school, word got back to me that Micah was telling people that we broke up a week ago and that we weren't a couple. Rumors shot through school that he asked a friend from his old homeschool co-op to be his prom date. As promised, I asked Garreth to the prom. He angrily turned me down. He said that he didn't want to be anyone's booby prize.

"I was bored silly for two days at home and I told Dad I was going back and that Principal Smith could eat a dick. It made Dad laugh. 'Just like a true Aldridge!' he said. He told me that he was proud of me and gave me this huge hug. I was stunned. Dad's never been like that kind of Dad, ever.

"Now that I'm back in school, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes, I get an outpouring of support and love from people. The next day there will be backlash or some hurtful incident. I've been keeping a stiff upper lip and I've been acting like I'm above it all. When something bad happens, or when someone pranks me, or puts shit on my locker, I just roll my eyes. The fact that I don't react has reduced the amount of garbage, but it is not without a personal cost.

"All of my close friends avoid me now. I haven't eaten lunch with Kylie and Taylor since I came out. They're afraid to be labeled as my lover. I haven't spoken a word to Belle, Micah, or Garreth either. It is profoundly alienating. I can't wait until I don't have to live in the fishbowl any more and I can just get to Stanford."

Dr. Fee came over and sat next to me. She took my hands in hers and said, "That was a very difficult situation and you handled it so well. I'm so proud of you, Noise." The fact that she used my nickname as she comforted me tugged at my heart strings. She gave me a huge hug and somehow this maternal kindness made me cry like a baby.

After I pulled myself together, Dr. Fee asked, "So, are you going to Prom?"

"Yes," I replied. "I'm going stag. I actually had two offers from guys I don't really know and have no interest in. I turned them both down right away."

She got a smile on her face. "Have you considered going with Laundry?" she asked.

***

When I got back from seeing Dr. Fee, I expected the house to be empty. Dad and Arden spent the previous night away on a business trip. Normally on such trips, Dad would go alone and Arden would stay behind. This was the first time that Arden went with him.

Before they left, Dad lectured Laundry and I to be the adults that we claimed to be and told us under no circumstances were we to bring people over to the house.

Landry and I got dinner at a burrito place and watched a movie together. It was a comedy that was hysterically funny. We laughed ourselves sick.

Instead of the house being empty, Arden and Dad were in the kitchen. They were both dressed up in business suits and met me as I entered.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked.

"Where's your brother?" he asked.

"Dr. Fee," I replied. "He'll be there until dinner time. We moved up to having weekly meetings, remember?"

Dad's face soured. "Well, come sit in the family room."

Arden and Dad took the couch, which forced me to sit in the recliner.

"Is everything all right? This isn't health related, is it?" I asked.

Dad ignored me and took control of the conversation. "Arden and I traveled up to Washington, DC yesterday. We went there to meet with your mother." He was uncharacteristically nervous.

"We had a clearing of the air, Noise. We talked, I mean, really talked for the first time since before she went on the book tour. It was a positive thing for me personally. It was very therapeutic."

I flicked my eyes over to Arden to see what she thought of this. Her eyes were on Dad and she didn't look upset.

"She explained to me what happened during those trips," my father said. "The story of her cheating on me and abandonment of you and Laundry aren't all what we supposed. It wasn't what I thought. It wasn't what I thought at all." He looked down and was not able to continue.

"Just tell her, Stafford," said Arden. "She's more mature than you give her credit for and she can handle the truth." She reinforced her words by grabbing his hand and said, "You can do this. Be brave."

Dad looked at me and a tear rolled down his cheek. "Following our meeting with Dante Zelipon, your mother took the file that my private investigator put together. She went through it and felt it painted an inaccurate picture. She went through it with a fine-tooth comb and found witnesses, video, and documentary evidence that exonerates her of much of what we suspected. Your mother is not to blame for cheating on me. She was drugged and blackmailed. At no time was she to blame for either the cheating or the drug use. I've seen the evidence, Noise."

My brain just wouldn't process. I said it out loud, "My mother wasn't cheating on my dad willingly, she was blackmailed. She wasn't to blame."

All of a sudden, the reality of what was being said exploded in my brain and the dimensions of that made me numb.

"What the fuck, Stafford? Are you saying that you split up with Mom for no reason?" I asked.

"No. I didn't say that at all, Noise. Your mother could have ended the blackmail at any time by confiding in me. She knew that I had the resources and the will to handle the problem and put an end to it. She didn't. That's an unforgivable act."

I sat there and talked out loud to myself for a couple of minutes, processing. For once, both Dad and Arden waited patiently. They didn't seem to be bothered by it at all.

Finally, I asked Dad, "Why didn't she just come clean in the first place? That part doesn't make any sense to me."

"Greed, basically," said Dad. "Atwood dangled the possibility of getting her a show on one of the cooking channels. It was a dream your mother had at the time. She was incautious and confessed that to Atwood. He used her desire to seal her fate. By the time she realized the show was never going to materialize, she'd been complicit too long to come clean. She had to commit to a strategy of concealment. That, of course, never works."

"You've seen the evidence?" I asked. "How good is it?"

"It is incontrovertible. Testimony from multiple third parties, video evidence, and Atwood kept a journal. Atwood's widow gave it to Mom."

Dad was a skeptic. If he was convinced it was incontrovertible, it was. I talked to myself out loud reasoning through what still didn't make sense to me.

"So, the blackmail explains the book signing and clinic tour. What about the trip to the Frank Beard awards?" I asked.

Dad said, "Blackmail never ends, Noise. Blackmailers will use the risk of getting in trouble for a small thing to push you into doing a bigger thing. They will climb the ladder, escalate, and keep the pressure on. When your mother went to the awards, Bruce Atwood used the fact that your mother concealed the blackmail from me to get her to continue as before."

I looked at Dad and asked, "Could the blackmail have continued if we had gone to the awards as a family like Mom asked?"

Dad sighed deeply. Arden squeezed his hand. "Be brave, Stafford," she said.

"The reality is that if we had gone as a family, Atwood wouldn't have been able to pull her back in on that trip," confessed Dad. "However, you shouldn't make too much of this. Lahela's goose was cooked no matter what for concealing the blackmail. It was also just a matter of time until he maneuvered your mother into a circumstance where he could have forced her to resume her previous activities."

"If she was just being blackmailed, why did she abandon Laundry and I?" I asked. "Why did she and Aunt Peg act like I placed their lives at risk?'

Dad paused for a long time. A tear rolled down his cheek.

"You need to tell her, Stafford," said Arden. "She deserves to know."

"Your mother didn't want to abandon you," said Dad. "I gave some ambiguous directions to one of my Lieutenants. He took it on his own authority to handle the situation by scaring Lahela and Peg to death. Quite unbeknownst to me, he harassed them for almost two years. He put them through a living hell.

"I've had a talk with my lieutenant and he thought he was honestly doing what I ordered. As I reviewed it, it was like the Henry II and Becket situation. I wasn't clearly communicating at the start of it and when Lahela failed to seek her end of the custody, I never followed up. That was my fault, Noise. It was all my fault. I have a lot to atone for."

He burst into tears. It was the only time I ever saw my father cry.