What Are They Teaching Them?

"Hey Mum, just going out!"

"Oh, you're not staying for dinner?" Ursula frowned slightly.

Don shrugged. "Going to a party."

"Oooh, sound fun, will there be any girls there?"

Don shrugged again. "Yeah, probably?"

"Well, be safe!"

"Safe? I wouldn't worry, it's just going to be people we know, no out of control ragers or anything."

Ursula chuckled. "I was just teasing, hon. But make sure you're careful with any women, all right?"

Don frowned. "Uh, sure Mum?"

Ursula sighed. "You know what, never mind. With how slow you are to pick up what I'm saying, I'm sure I don't have anything to worry about with you and any woman."

A lightbulb finally clicked on for Don. "Ohhh!" He chuckled. "Mum! Didn't expect you to... all right no you don't have to worry, if there were any women, and I'm not saying there is, but if there were, she's clean."

Don turned to leave, but Ursula said, "Wait, 'she's clean'? That seemed very specific."

"Uh..."

"Never mind, it's your own business, but you know it's not just about diseases, right? If you go and get some young lady pregnant, you're helping her look after it. Or take care of it. Or whatever she decides to do."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that, Mum. My buddy Randy told me what's up, we'll just have her on top, so gravity will do the work for us."

He turned to leave again, but... "Hold on a minute, buster."

"What?"

"'Gravity will'... is this what they're teaching you at school?"

"Nah, they just told us not to do it, so Randy gave me the lowdown."

Ursula sighed. "I can't believe my son is taking reproductive advice from someone who thinks you can use gravity as contraception. Buddy, you're not going out that door without a pack of condoms."

"But I don't have any!"

"Hold that thought!" Ursula got up, opened a nearby drawer, and picked up a roll of condoms. "Here you go. Don't spend them all in one place."

Don looked at them. "So what do...?"

Ursula sighed again. "Of course. How could I possibly expect you'd know what to do. Go fetch me a banana from the kitchen."

"Peeled, or unpeeled?"

Ursula raised an eyebrow. "I can't tell if that's a circumcision joke, or what - but unpeeled, I don't ever want to see someone attempt to put a condom on a peeled banana. Not again."

"Again?"

"Never mind. Go fetch me that banana." Don went away and came back with a banana. "Great," said Ursula. She tore off a condom wrapper, opened it and placed the condom over the banana. "See, it's simple." She unrolled it, pulling it over the banana and stretching it tight. "Nothing to it. Now you try."

She made Don practice a few times, until he had it down pat. "Great," he said, "so it's the same thing with... with the real thing?"

"Exactly the same," said Ursula.

"Doesn't it hurt or something?"

Ursula shook her head. "Well, the best way is to..." she paused. This was ridiculous. A step too far. But then, how far was too far to ensure he was making smart choices with the young ladies who he might encounter? She sighed again. "All right, I'll have to show you on the real thing. Take your clothes off."

Don's eyes widened. "Get naked, in front of my mum?"

She sighed. "I'm not having you go out there not knowing how to be safe, and then accidentally impregnating some woman, who, if her sexual education is anything like your own, probably thinks she can avoid pregnancy by doing stomach crunches."

"But..."

She sighed again. "Would it be less weird if I got naked too?"

Don frowned slightly. "If anything it would be more weird."

"But at least you wouldn't feel at a disadvantage."

"I suppose not."

"Excellent." Everything within Ursula screamed that this was a ridiculous idea, but she gritted her teeth and pulled her dress over her head. "Well, go on, get yours off too," she said.

Don shook himself. "Right. Of course. Yes Mum." He pulled off his shirt, then started to pull his jeans off, but they got stuck on his shoes.

"Unbelievable," said Ursula. "Shoes first, hon. How are you going to look after a baby if you can't even dress and undress yourself?"

Sheepishly, Don pulled the jeans back up far enough to pull his shoes and socks off, then pulled the jeans off. Then he removed his briefs.

"Can you unsnap me, dear?" she asked, turning around and indicating the back of her bra.

"I dunno," he said, "I've never unsnapped a bra."

"Well, if you're thinking of getting busy with some young lady, you might want to learn how," she said.

"Um."

She sighed. "Just give it a shot. Just... don't force it too much. These cost a bit to replace."

He struggled with it a bit, but after about half a minute had it open.

"Great," she said, and pulled off her bra, dropping it to the ground. Then she pulled down her panties and stepped out of them. "Now. Onto fitting this condom." She looked him up and down. He was shivering slightly, and still mostly flaccid, although it was clear that her nakedness was starting to have an effect on him. "Right," she said. "First things first. Since we have to get you erect, let's talk about foreplay."

"My friend Randy said that was a waste of time."

"Hon, I am almost positive at this point that getting sex advice from Randy is the dumbest thing you could possibly do."

"But he said..."

"Don, when you have sex, do you want the woman to want to let you do it again in the future?"

"...yes?"

"That's what I thought. Foreplay is going to be your friend."

"All right, but what does that mean?"

She sighed. "Come over here and give me a kiss."

"But Mum!"

"Oh shush, it's all learning. Besides, I can't show you how to put a condom on if you're not hard, and this is one way to get that done."

"Isn't that weird, though?"

Ursula thought for a moment. "It's a little unconventional, I'll grant you, but if it'll keep you from knocking up whoever's dumb enough to let you put your penis in her, I'll take a little bit of weirdness. Do you want to be a father at nineteen?"

"No."

"Didn't think so," said Ursula, and she walked forward, held his head in her hands, and kissed him on the lips.

"Yeah all right," he said, "maybe this isn't so bad."

"Shhh," she said, and kissed him some more.

"So it this all foreplay is?"

"Of course not," she said, "it's a lot of other stuff, when you're with a woman, you should kiss her breasts, massage her clit, even go down on her. A lot of men think that she'll love it if they just stick it in, but let me tell you buddy, your dick is not the pleasure machine men think it is."

"Huh," he said. "Like this?" And he bent down and kissed her breasts.

Ursula's breath stopped for a moment. "Uh. Yeah, I wasn't planning on going there, but if that'll help you learn..."

He paused for breath. "Yeah, I think it is." He lifted a hand to her clit and started rubbing it. "Am I doing this right?"

"OK, maybe this has gone a bit..." she paused. She had told him she wanted him to prioritise foreplay, and after all, what was the harm in a bit of touching, right? His hand was already down there anyway. "All right, yeah, sort of like that," she said. "You'll want to prioritise the nipple a fair bit, with your tongue as well as kissing and sucking."

"Mmhmm," he said, and adjusted accordingly.

"Ohhhh," she moaned. "Yes, not bad, and down here," and she grabbed his hand and guided it, "you'll specifically want to focus on this little bit here." His hand so redirected, he returned to rubbing, and she continued moaning softly. She mustn't let herself get carried away, though. She glanced down, and he was somewhat more erect. She reached down, grabbed a hold of him, and started stroking.

He took a sharp intake of breath. "Mum!"

"Just seeing how hard you are," she said. "You're almost hard enough to take a condom. Let me just help you for a bit." And she continued to stroke him, and he continue to rub her, and his other hand massaged her breast, and he went back to kissing her, gently licking her around the lips, exploring the insides of her mouth.

"Anything else I should do?" he asked.

"Kiss my neck."

He did so, and she moaned some more. "What was that you said about going down on you?"

"Oh," she said, "you don't need to worry about that right now, but that's when you kiss or lick me here," and she gently spread her lips open, pointing also to her clit.

"And women like that?"

"We love it," she said.

He nodded. "Well, I want to make sure women like being with me." And he knelt down in front of her, stuck his face between her legs, and started licking vigorously.

She grabbed his hair, holding his face to her. "I didn't mean... this is all too..." but she held him to her all the tighter, and her legs started to tremble.

"Am I not doing it right?"

"No no," she said, "you're doing great. We're probably getting a little carried away, though." And she reluctantly pulled his head away and glanced between his legs. He seemed rock hard. "Right," she said, and handed him another condom. "See how you go."

His practice with the banana paid off, and he got it on first go. "Is that right?"

She looked carefully, including grabbing a hold of him to make sure it was down all the way - it was - which she told herself was necessary. "Looks about right."

"Right," he said. "And then, I put it in her butt?"

"In her...?" Ursula shook her head. "Well, I guess I wouldn't have to worry about being a grandmother too early, but no, you should absolutely not be putting it in her butt, unless that's something the two of you have discussed and want to try, but generally speaking there's a lot more effort required with lubrication and stretching, and fasting before hand..."

"But Randy said..."

"You've gotta be kidding me, Randy again?"

Don shrugged. "He's apparently watched videos or something."

She snorted. "Figures. No," and she sat down, spread her legs and spread her lips open, "the best place to stick it that will actually be pleasurable for her, is right here."

"Ah, like this?" And he leaned forward, aimed between her legs, and buried himself between her legs.

She took a sharp breath. "Uh. I didn't mean for you to..." You know what, he wasn't moving, and at least he knew now. "That's right, that the right place, but maybe we should..."

"So this is sex? We're having sex now?"

"Uh, no, we're not having sex." That would be very wrong, and she wouldn't do something that wrong. "It's a bit of an awkward position I suppose, but no to be having sex you'd have to be actually going in and out, and..."

And he pulled out, and pushed back in again. And out, and in again. And out... "Like this?" and in again.

"I didn't mean..." she said. "But yes, this is..." and she gave up and grabbed him by the shoulders, and started moaning again, while he thrust into her again, and again, and again.

He'd only been thrusting into her for a minute or so, but what with the foreplay, especially the bit where he'd gone down on her, and the thrill of doing something that she knew that she really ought not to, and must not do, and yet was doing, to her own son, or he was doing to her, or they were doing to each other... her thoughts were all muddled, but the point is, it wasn't long before she climaxed, and then again, and then was just hanging on while he continued to thrust. He paused. "So," he said, "if I wasn't using a condom, there'd be a chance of getting you pregnant?"

Since he'd slowed down, she'd had a moment to catch her breath. "Well, remember, it's not only for that, it also helps prevent diseases, although you don't have to worry about that from me. In fact, you don't have to worry about pregnancy with me, either, as I can't have kids." Well, there was more to it than that - she and his father were still sexually active, and were done having kids, so she used an IUD to ensure they didn't accidentally give Don a baby brother or sister.

"Right," he said. He pulled out of her.

"Good idea," she said, "don't want to get too carried away." A little voice in her head told her that maybe it was a wee bit late for that.

He pulled off the condom, put it on a table, then turned back to his mother, who was still gently shaking as the reality of what she'd done started to wash over her. And he... guided himself back into her. Bareback. No condom. Wrapperless. Skin on skin. And started thrusting away again.

"Don?" she said. "What are you doing?"

"Well," he said, "you said you couldn't get pregnant."

"I did say that," she said.

"That means it doesn't matter if I wear a condom, right?"

Well, she thought, a few things meant that honestly he probably shouldn't be balls deep in her at any time ever, with or without a condom, but well, they were already here, and it felt kind of good, and at least he was learning things, right? And, and and...

And she shuddered again and again as she climaxed again, and then he climaxed, and she could feel him emptying himself inside her. And finally he'd stopped pumping in and out of her, and was slumped over her, still inside her, still hugging her. And she reached out and hugged him to her, and kissed him.

"Did I do it right?" he asked.

Well, apart from the fact that you did it with your own mother, she thought. "Yeah hon, you did great," she said.

He nodded, and took deep breaths. "Good."

She patted him on the butt. "Better get cleaned up before you go out."

"Right," he said, and finally pulled all the way out of her. She watched him withdraw with a small amount of regret, although she couldn't tell if it was regret for what she'd just done, or because it was over.

"Hon," she said, "maybe don't tell anyone about this, all right? It's a little unconventional, I don't think many people would understand." It's a bit illegal too, she thought.

"Got it, Mum," he said. "I'm a bit tired now, I might not go out after all." He turned to head back towards the main part of the house, but paused for a moment. "Mum?"

"Yes, hon?"

"Some other time, can you show me some other ways to do that? And can we do it without the condom at all, since you can't get pregnant?"

She should put a stop to it now. But, the more he learned with her, the less he could get in trouble out there, right? She smiled. "Any time, hon."