"Girls, we're leaving in ten minutes!" I yelled up the stairs.
"Sure thing, Dad!" Yupin shouted back. Sunee didn't respond, as usual. I imagined how she had probably rolled her eyes hearing her sister's chirpy response.
Despite being identical twins, the two girls were polar opposites. Yupin was a dedicated student, achieving good grades through diligence and hard work. Sunee on the other hand was a strictly C student, her attitude towards her teachers' authority being one of thinly-veiled contempt, occasionally spiced with idealistic rebelliousness. She was a smart girl and more than capable of getting a high GPA if she so chose, but she first needed a compelling reason to make any serious effort.
Yupin dressed like she was still a schoolgirl in Thailand, wearing crisp light shirts, carefully ironed, with conservative skirts, long white stockings and practical shoes. Sunee however seemed to immerse herself in American Goth culture, choosing to wear a nose-ring and the black clothes, pale make-up and dark lipstick of questionable rockstar role-models after her mother's death. Her long, sleek black hair hung over one of her eyes, hiding her beautiful face from the world.
When side by side, the two looked like a before and after on a make-over show.
Yupin was the first to come downstairs, her tied up pony-tail bouncing as she lightly descended. She was absolutely gorgeous, just like her mother had been. With beautiful Thai eyes and facial features, flawless dark skin, long legs, shiny, healthy black hair, and full, sensual lips, it was hard to look at her without remembering the attraction I felt for her mother. Her petite frame was nicely toned by the hours she spent every week swimming in their pool.
She picked a jacket from the coat rack beside the door and waited with me on the sofa for her perpetually-late sister. We chatted casually about her school work and what she planned to do after graduation. After another ten or fifteen minutes, Sunee came downstairs, her footsteps sounding like a stomping toddler in comparison to her twin. God, I thought, even the way she walks downstairs is angry. As similar to her sister as she appeared, her beauty had a sharp edge to it. She had an abrasive temprement and had become suspicious of any form of affection directed towards.
"Ready to go?", I asked both.
"Sure thing Dad!" Yupin responded sweetly, grabbing a bouquet of white lilies from the kitchen countertop. She must have bought them from the local florist.
"Yeah... Let's go, 'Stepdad'!" Sunee answered ironically as she put her headphones on.
I held in a sigh of frustration and opened the front door.
Sunee hated that Yupin felt close to me. She hated that her sister wanted to make me happy or proud in any way. Most of all, I think she just hated that her Mom was gone, and that life could be so unfair. I couldn't stay annoyed at her for long, I understood what it was like to be an angry kid. My duty was to give her and her sister a stable home and try to be a father-figure to them both, even if Sunee hated me for it.
The three of us got into my SUV and I drove to the cemetary. Yupin became uncharacteristically quiet on the drive. Sunee stared out the window. I didn't push for conversation. It was the four-year anniversary of their mother's death, and we were all still struggling with the loss in our own ways.
I parked the car, retrieving a bouquet I had bought from the passenger seat. I handed them to Sunee. She took them silently, avoiding my eyes. We proceeded to walk slowly through the peaceful cemetary. The sun was shining and birds in the trees nearby were chirping.
Ying would've liked this, I thought. I hoped. It had been my decision to have her buried here, much to Ying's mother's protests. If I hadn't known how awfully her mother treated her when alive, I would have gladly agreed to bury my wife in Thailand. It was for the same reason that I decided to take care of the twins despite her family's offer to raise them in Thailand. I wanted my wife's grave to be near to me and the girls. Ying gave me the best two years of my life before the car accident that ended her life. A driver had fallen asleep at the wheel and crashed into Ying's car, head-on. When I received the news, I felt the phone fall from my hand. The next few weeks were a blur of trying to organize the funeral, looking after the girls and trying to hold myself together.
The evening I had given them the awful news was burned into my mind. It was easily the worst day of our lives.
I struggled to come to terms with the loss in the following months. I decided that the least I could do for Ying was care for her daughters for at least four years, until the girls were adults.
They were 2 weeks away from being 18. My promise to her was almost fulfilled.
Sunee walked ahead of us to the grave. Yupin began to protest but I put a finger to my lips. When Sunee was out of earshot, I said softly to Yupin "Today isn't the day to argue, and this isn't the place. Understand?" I raised an eyebrow questioningly.
She seemed to consider my words before nodding in assent. She was a beautiful soul, caring and considerate, but she could be harsh towards her sister. The closeness that they had once shared seemed to have been fractured since their mother's death.
At times they would joke and laugh as if they were young girls again. Sunee would seem so childish to me then, innocent and sweet as she had been when I first met her. But each time Sunee would eventually remember that those days were gone, and the scowling, furrowed brow and caustic attitude would return.
Sunee reached the grave a little before we did. I motioned for Yupin to wait with me out of earshot, and allow Sunee time alone with her mother. Sunee knelt beside the headstone, placing the bouquet against it before idly pulling a stray weed from the grass in front of it. I watched from a distance as she talked to the headstone for some time. I hoped that she would find some solace.
After some time, Sunee walked silently over to rejoin us. Yupin moved to stand beside her mother's grave. I saw her talking to the headstone, occasionally laughing, I guessed as she shared a funny story or secret. Sunee put her headphones back on and turned away from me.
"I'm going back to the car." she said over her shoulder, as she walked away. I watched her leave, her long legs clad in fishnet stockings. I was struck by the difference between this lost but attractive young woman, and the joyous, innocent girl she had once been. I couldn't help but feel that I had failed her somehow. As unforeseeable as her mother's death had been, I wondered if I had done everything I could to make her feel safe and cared for.
After a few minutes, Yupin returned to me. With tears in her eyes, she wrapped her arms around me and we hugged for a long time. I pulled away and kissed her on the forehead. She smiled, and swept a strand of hair behind her ear, blushing slightly. I was suddenly reminded of her mother doing the same thing. I shook off the memory and wiped a tear from her cheek.
"Sunee's gone to the car. I'll meet you both there." I gave Yupin the keys and she followed her sister.
I approached my wife's grave. This was the only place in the world that I felt had a certain kind of energy to it, something ethereal. I still felt close to Ying here.
The cold, gray headstone bore her epitaph.
Ying Dawson, beloved mother and wife.
Christ, words can be so trite, I thought. I comforted myself with the fact that they were certainly true for Ying.
I sat by the grave and spoke to my wife about how proud she would be of the girls, of what they planned to do to celebrate their upcoming birthday, and promising that I would always look after them if they should ever need my help.
I felt a lump form in my throat as I began to talk about how much I missed her. I told her how I would still occasionally reach for her when I woke up. Tears began to roll down my face. I told her how I couldn't look at another woman without comparing her to my beautiful wife. I told her that I had no fucking clue what I was going to do after the girls moved out and started their own lives. I told her that I missed kissing her and feeling her body pressed against me.
Most of all, I just missed being around her. I tried not to be angry about the hand life had dealt us, how we had been given everything we wanted only to have it cruelly taken away by a universal whim.
Words became hard to utter. My throat was on fire as I tried not to fall to pieces in public. I found it hard to speak about Ying's death to anyone.
I stood up and told my wife goodbye. I kissed the top of the headstone, my emotions churning as I returned to the car. The walk back was peaceful but my heart was heavy.
The drive home was sombre. I caught Yupin's gaze in the mirror. She looked away quickly. Sunee's music could be heard clearly from her headphones. It was one of her mother's favourite songs, I realized. When we stopped at a red light, I turned around and motioned for Sunee to remove her headphones for a moment.
