Trying to Understand

Many thanks to EroticaSeanStyle for being a volunteer editor on this story.

*

"Daddy! Oh, do that again." There was laughter, male and female, then a very sexy, contented sigh and the sound of books hitting the floor.

"You were finished with that, right, Sarah?"

"I have this whole long weekend to finish my homework, Daddy, but Gideon will be here tonight, so I won't have the chance to this with you again anytime soon. So please, a little less talk, and a lot more kissing and, mmm, yeah that's good." Sarah giggled again.

Gideon pressed his back to the wall separating the kitchen from living room, fighting to breathe normally and erase the image of his sister, half naked and sitting on the kitchen table while their father kissed her. They were so caught up in each other they apparently hadn't heard him come in. His mind was racing. What the hell had happened since he'd been home? Sure it had been over a year, but really. His father was a minister, had been for nearly 30 years, and Sarah had been in the choir, taught Sunday school, never even dated that he knew of.

More moans and his sister panting "harder, faster," then screaming were all the proof Gideon needed that things had indeed changed dramatically in the Watson household. As quietly as he could he picked up his suitcase and exited through the front door. He needed a drink and they obviously needed a couple hours. He would come back closer to the time they were expecting him, and do his best to pretend he didn't know anything about any of this.

* * * * * *

"Gideon, you're home!" Sarah hugged her big brother tightly. One more thing to shock the hell out of him. Their family had never really been touchy feely. "It's so good to see you. Wow, you frosted your hair." She ran her fingers over the sharp heavily gelled spikes. "It looks good with those pretty green eyes." She glanced over his tight faded t shirt, jeans and beat up boots. "Where's the sharp clothes to go with the hair and fancy job?"

"I've got to relax sometime," he said. "When did you get so bubbly?"

"Oh, you know. I guess college is making me a little more confident, outgoing. I thought Kirsten was coming with you."

"We broke up last week." He looked over her shoulder. "Dad." Gideon took the hand Seth offered and shook it. "How are things at the church?"

"Good, the associate pastor will be ready to take over at the end of the year, and I'll have to find something to do with myself. Figured it was time to retire, let someone more comfortable with change lead now."

YEAH, I'LL JUST BET THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LEAVING, Gideon thought cynically as he watched Sarah pick a piece of lint off their father's sweater. YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST AFRAID SOMEONE WILL FIND OUT YOUR LITTLE SECRET AND REPORT YOU.

"So, you and Kirsten split. I'm sorry to hear that, from what you told me she sounded like a nice girl."

"Yeah, and she decided she liked other nice girls more than guys." Gideon waited for the mini sermon on sin, but it never came. Good to know his father wasn't completely hypocritical.

"Gid, are you hungry? Daddy and I already ate, but I can fix you a sandwich or heat up some leftovers."

"No thanks, Sarah, I'm just going to head to bed. It was a pretty long drive." He picked up his duffle bag and headed to his old bedroom before either of them could say anything else. He needed a hot shower, a nip of whiskey from the bottle in his bag and then sleep.

When he stepped out of the bathroom into his bedroom he found his baby sister sitting on his bed in blue and red striped pajama pants and a white t shirt, her deep brown hair in two braids, staring off into space. He felt self conscious standing there with just a towel around his waist, but she didn't seem to notice as she looked over at him.

"Hey," she held out a silver nugget and leather bracelet to him, the one their mother had given him when he turned 18, "I guess you dropped this earlier outside the kitchen." She blushed. "I'm not sure I really want to know how much you saw."

"More than enough." He grabbed the bracelet, then a pair of shorts and a shirt from his bag and ducked back into the bathroom. When he emerged again he felt much more in control, but still kept most of the room between them.

"I don't know what to say, Gideon."

"How long has he been doing this to you, Sarah? How long has he been molesting you? Why haven't you ever said anything. Damn it, you know it's wrong. Why are you letting him hurt you?"

"You must not have seen that much if you think he's hurting me." She held out a hand as he began to speak again. "No, Gideon, just listen for a minute. There is nothing here you need to fix for me. We became lovers over the summer. I wanted it, I encouraged him. No, it's not normal, but it feels right for us, and since neither of us is seriously involved with anyone else we aren't hurting anybody."

"What about me? I walk in to find my father, supposedly this great Man of God fucking my baby sister on the kitchen table and I'm just supposed to be okay with it? Go on like life is fine? The same man who grounded me for looking at girls in bikinis and masturbating in the shower was sucking your tits and fingering your cunt in this house just a few hours ago. How can you say that's not fucked up?"

Sarah stood and began walking towards the door. "I knew you wouldn't even try to understand. Just please don't say anything to Daddy."

"Would he stop if I did?" Sarah froze and then turned to him, her face stricken.

"Yes, he probably would. And it would break my heart, Gideon. Do you really hate me being happy that much? Enough to keep the one man who loves me unconditionally away from me? I'm sorry that none of your relationships seem to be working out right now, but that is not my fault. Maybe if you were a little less focused on appearances you would meet a woman who would be good for you, who would stay." He stayed silent as she left the room, then cursed as he pulled the bottle from his bag. He had a feeling it would be a very long night with his thoughts.

An hour later, mind still reeling, and more than a little tipsy Gideon found himself stumbling down the hall towards his sister's room. He didn't know what he would say when he got there, but he had to see her, to settle this. He didn't hate her, never had, but he could admit that he resented the extra attention she sometimes seemed to receive for being the younger sibling, and a girl. As he stepped into the dark room, he could make out her form huddled underneath the quilt. She was still sleeping with that stupid plush cat she'd had since she was nine. He laughed softly at that, then knelt by the edge of her bed and just watched her.

Sarah really wasn't the type of girl he ever went for, even if she hadn't been his sister, but he could admit to himself that she was pretty. She was also sweet and caring, thoughtful, something few women he dated ever were, and for just a moment he wondered what it would be like to love and be loved by a woman who wasn't out only for herself, who actually cared about the well-being of others. He hated to admit it, but Sarah was right about the girls he tended to go for. Thin, beautiful and usually super needy or complete bitches. Before he realized it he was stroking her hair , trying to understand why she would willingly sin so horribly by having sex with their father. Gideon had given up on God years ago, but he knew there were still some things that were just wrong.

"Gideon, what are you doing?" she asked sleepily. "Jeez, have you been drinking?" He pulled back like he had been slapped. How dare she judge him?

"Yeah, are you gonna go tattle on me? Then maybe I can go tell the church elders about-." Her hand came out of nowhere, connecting dead on with his cheek and he rose up sharply then bent to pin her arms to the bed. "I think they would be very interested in knowing about this little affair." His face stung, and he was just drunk enough to want to hurt her a little. His grip on her wrists tightened and he pushed on her harder, climbing onto the bed and straddling her body for better control.

"Gideon, don't." Even in the dark he could see the fear, and the quiver in her voice as she begged him to leave excited him.

"Do you think you're too good for me? You can fuck your dad but not your brother? Seems like there isn't much difference, except I'm not old."

"You also aren't thinking," she whispered to him harshly, her voice still strained and fearful. "You've had too much to drink tonight, and a huge shock. Please, Gideon, just go back to bed, sleep and try to forget all of this." He leaned down, and licked the side of her neck, to be rewarded with a small wiggle of he hips and groan. Dipping lower he bit a nipple through the fabric of her shirt and she gasped.

"Does he ever get rough with you?" He moved his head and bit the other nipple with slightly more force.

"Please don't."

"Does he?" Gideon asked sharply.

"No. He's always careful, tender." She winced as he thrust his erection against her stomach.

"You don't ever wonder what it would be like to be used hard?" He was whispering in her ear, his voice rough and low, dark and dangerous and Sarah unsuccessfully tried to not squeal with unexpected arousal. Gideon took one hand from her wrists, still holding her secure with the other one and roughly pawed at her large, soft breasts, then cupped her chin and forced her to look at him, directly into his eyes. "I'll make you a deal, little girl. Let me do whatever I want to you tonight and I won't tell Dad that I know, and I won't go to the elders. You're little secret will be safe, and as a bonus you'll get to experience a whole new kind of sex. Unless of course you've played these games with the boys at school?" He laughed harshly.

"I'm not a slut. Daddy's the only one I've been with," she said softly. "You don't want this, Gideon. You're disgusted by my being with Daddy, and you're drunk. If I said yes you would regret it in the morning. I don't want you to hate me or yourself. Just please go back to bed."

Gideon's hand slipped lower and he began pulling at the waist of her pajama bottoms, tugging them down to her knees as she tried to wriggle free.

"Stop. I don't want this." Sarah was panting as she fought him, trying to keep her voice low so Seth wouldn't hear them.

"Then call for help. It's just down the hall." His hand slipped between her thighs and two fingers slid easily into her pussy. "Awfully hot and wet for someone who doesn't want to have sex right now." He looked her in the eyes as she continued to try pulling her hands free. "I haven't had sex in months, Sarah, and if I have to rape you tonight I will, though I think we'll both have more fun if you just give in and fuck me."

"You don't know what you're doing, Gideon. Sex should never be taken lightly, especially something like this."

"I don't want to hear a sermon right now." He positioned himself between her legs and thrust into her in one hard, deep stroke. "I just want to get off." He was just aware enough to see the hurt look in her eyes, battling with desire, but was still too drunk to care. He fucked her hard, kissing her often, barely even noticing when Sarah became a willing participant and her hips began to rise to meet his, her lips not only not avoiding his, but seeking them out. He groaned as she lightly bit his shoulders, arched her back so her breasts connected with his chest. The longer he went the more he could appreciate the tight sheath encasing him. Without a doubt she felt better than any other woman he had ever been with.

When he came at last, he buried his face against her neck, growling deeply. He was amazed he had been able to go so long, considering the length of time since his last sexual encounter. They were both panting, lightly coated with sweat. Gideon released his sister's wrists and kissed her mouth again, much more gently as her hands rested lightly on his chest. He was starting to sober up, and as he looked down at her, eyes closed, breathing slowing to normal, he saw blotchy patches from his stubble on her cheeks and neck, small bite marks scattered across her shoulders and upper chest. He lightly touched each one.

"I don't remember doing this," he whispered.

"They aren't all yours, but a few are." She pushed against him lightly, and he rolled away while she wiggled back under her quilt. He could tell by her movements that she was pulling her pj bottoms up.

"Oh, Jesus." A thought struck him like lightning. "I didn't plan this, Sarah, I swear, and God, I didn't use a condom." He sat on the side of her bed, elbows on knees, hands cradling his head.

"I'm on the pill," she said sleepily.

"Oh. Are you okay? Did you cum?"

"I'm fine, don't worry about me, just go to bed." She rolled over so her back was to him and shrugged his hand away when he placed it on her shoulder.

"Go away, Gideon, I'm tired." He stood and slipped out of her room and back down the hall to his. He felt guilty about what had just happened, but not because Sarah was his sister. He was feeling guilt over just taking what he wanted. Yes, she seemed to enjoy her self after a bit, but she hadn't consented in the beginning. He felt like a rapist. And a selfish bastard for not making sure she had an orgasm. Looks like he'd have to work on making it up to her later.