CHAPTER THREE—A Transformation
As I left that large, comfortable spread of sheets and blankets, comforters and pillows, and padded up the hall it was as though I was leaving one world and entering another. The fuck-frenzy that I'd woken up to was more or less calmed now; I was simply myself, naked and barefoot, going to take a shower.
Where was dad though? It was the weekend and he didn't work on the weekends. I glanced in his open bedroom door as I walked by, didn't see him. Shrugging, I continued down to the end of the hall and went into the bathroom.
It was so familiar! Even a year away from this place—our home—hadn't removed the memories. I closed the door and locked it, then smiled to myself and unlocked it. There would never be any need to fear
being interrupted
again. The thought of sitting on the toilet and masturbating, and then having either Meg or Courtney—or even my dad—walk in, made me smile. It would be wonderful if that happened. Not like before.
I ran the shower and rummaged around the medicine cabinet for something to shave with. I came up with a couple of unused
Bic
safety razors and took the cover off one of them. I lowered the toilet lid and sat on the fuzzy cover. It felt nice against my bare ass, but then I remembered something else that felt nice against that same place.
Dad's slamming thighs and crotch!
My prick stiffened a little, even after all it had been through these past hours. I took a breath and sighed, and then crossed one leg over the other and ran my hand up my shin.
Stubbly. Ever since I started shaving my body and legs, I'd become disgusted of hair—anywhere. Idly I ran the razor up my leg and then touched that now-hairless strip of skin. That was the way I wanted it. That was the way I wanted to always be—smooth and soft—all over.
Steam started billowing out of the shower stall and I got up with my razor and stepped into the tub. I let the water hit me right in the chest and sighed from how good it felt. There was nothing like it for sure. I turned and wet my back, the leaned my head back to wet my hair. I'd begun growing my hair out and had started to enjoy the feeling of it touching the middle of my shoulders.
Drenched now, I took the bar of soap—the same brand we'd always used—and lathered my face. I pulled the shaving mirror closer to me; it was one of those mounted on the criss-cross hinges. I started to shave my face, but really took my time. I wondered if I'd see the
girl in the mirror
again, and after a few moments, I knew I already was.
But to be like that—like my two darling sisters (who were probably still locked in sixty-nine out there!)—maybe was more than I knew. Maybe I really wasn't like that. Maybe I was simply 'gay.'
But I'd never been interested in men—at all. Still shaving with one hand, I reached behind me and pressed a finger to my bung-hole. It still seemed sensitive, almost sore. I reached up and rubbed a bit of soap on my fingertip and again touched it to my hole. I pushed and my finger slipped in. The waves of sensation and memory and pleasure that went through me made me blank out for a moment. I finally had to blink all those thoughts away and continue shaving. But as I pulled my finger out, there was a gurgling inside me. I sudden had to
go,
and though I was dripping wet and had soap still running down my face, I got out of the shower, lifted the toilet lid and sat down. A moment later my bowels moved. My body shivered in the pleasure of that relief. I wiped myself and stood to flush, but noticed there was really nothing in the water except some drops and strings of whitish matter.
Dad's goo!
I stared at the evidence of what had happened the previous night and as the memories fluttered through my mind, my prick started to lift again. I finally had to shake my head to clear it, and then flushed and went back into the shower.
Gay. Was I? I'd been with a man, but
as
a woman more or less. I remembered how powerful dad had been, ramming his oversized dick into my ass, and how his thrusting had finally brought me off all over my belly. My penis was fully erect now, dripping with water from the hot shower. I reached down and ran my fingers over and under it, feeling the stubble even there. I would get to that later. But then I imagined one of the handsomest, hunkiest guys on campus—a real male model type—and instantly my prick began to sag. I tried to imagine having him on top of me, fucking my ass just as dad had done, but...it was a complete turn-off!
What was it then?
Then I started to think of my sisters and how eager they were to make love to each other—and of course, how
good
they were at it! But they'd made love to me too. A male, who'd felt quite vigorous and 'masculine' at the time.
And then I remembered the first part of the night when they'd come into my room. I'd been feeling so completely female with them, and they hadn't minded even that.
So what were they?
I finished shaving my face and lathered up my underarms and started there.
But continuing my train of thought, it seemed to me that I was more like a woman—inside—even though I had a male body. If that were true, and there were such things as 'transgendering,' then if I had a female...
spirit
inside me, inside a male body, then I would be attracted to men. A female wanting a male—that kind of energy.
But why would I want to be with a woman at all?
I continued lathering myself and shaving. My nipples now.
I began to think about gays, homosexuals. It seemed that the 'real' homosexuals were men who were attracted to men; the 'manly' spirit in one another. They loved to look manly and desired a partner who was also manly. There was nothing female about either. And then there were gay couples in which one was the 'man' and the other was effeminate. That seemed to be another type of gayness if that's what it's called. Then there were men who were almost completely women, and tended to dress like that. They nearly always wanted to be with men.
So many types and subtypes of homosexuality!
And it was the same with women I supposed. I thought to call the womanly women who were attracted to other womanly women 'true' lesbians, just as the manly men attracted to other manly men could be called 'true' gays. No manly aspects in the lesbians and no womanly aspects in the gays.
But where did I fit?
I lathered my abdomen and crotch and began to shave. I stared down to make sure I didn't nick anything, but my mind continued its 'conversation.'
Maybe there was more than 'A woman trapped in a man's body,' or 'A man trapped in a woman's body.' I've even heard jokes—almost a cliché now—about being 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body!'
But what would that be like?
The 'spirit' of a lesbian, meaning a woman attracted to other women, contained in a male physique. If I were like that, I would 'feel' more womanly but be attracted to other women. Outwardly it would be a 'normal' relationship; man and woman. But, 'being' female in spirit, I would be attracted to another woman
as
a woman.
But what about 'A gay man trapped in a woman's body?' If Meg or Courtney were like that, she would be attracted to men, but