The first thing I did after the wedding was visit the chemist, conscious of the fact that I could be pregnant. It was a fun conversation to have with my daughters as I asked them to wait in the car while I got the morning after pill. Telling them it was a 'special mummy pill' seemed to placate them - that and the chocolate they each got for behaving at the wedding.
I'd not had a chance to see Will again before we left the venue. I wasn't sure how I would feel seeing him anyway. On one hand it was one of the worst things I had ever done, sleeping with my sister's very new husband. But on the other... I had felt desired and lusted after for the first time in years.
And the sex... no one night stand had ever felt as good as that. I'd certainly never felt that kind of connection before. Seeing Will wasn't going to be an immediate problem anyway, considering he would be on his honeymoon for a fortnight. Enough time for me to get my head around things, I hoped.
Life quickly became mundane once more. The girls went back to school and I went back to my job as a very busy nurse. Despite my days being full, I found myself daydreaming about that night and how Will's cock had felt as he had taken me, or how his hands had gripped my breasts as I fucked him.
These thoughts would arouse me to the point that, once I'd put my Gabby and Jo to bed, I had needed my toys to get any kind of satisfaction. And that wasn't close to what I'd shared with Will.
I knew my loneliness was exacerbating my feelings for him, and I knew that I needed to snap out of it. I told myself that he probably just wanted to get his dick wet after being frustrated by Hannah, so it's not like he'd want more with me. But, being a single mum, it wasn't like I could just go out and find someone. Even if the time with Will had made me realise I was ready to share my life with another.
But who? I felt a little too old for dating apps, and there was no one at work I felt even remotely attracted to. And there was no one there I would want in my kids life. My insular life over the last few years had led into this pit, and now I wanted out I wasn't sure which way to go that would suit me and my family.
Apart from a man I couldn't have.
My mum told me when they'd be getting back from their holiday and I considered messaging him and asking him round to talk because I felt that would be the best way of getting over him and clearing the air. It's a tragic realisation for someone who is confident and self-made that I need to get over a man that I've only slept with once.
It turns out I don't need to ask, because my sister invites us round to my parents the day after they've returned for a garden party.
The get together is in full swing when we finally arrive. I catch up with my mum and then my older brother, but throughout these conversations I'm aware that I'm tense and listening out for the sound of Will's voice. When it reaches my ears it's the sound of him laughing outside, and I turn my head to watch him in the garden playing with my daughters.
He'd always been good with children, which only made me admire him more. Gabby and Jo loved him, with Will seemingly forever patient and playful with them. There was something incredibly sexy about a man who was so good with my children. It was probably why, combined with our night in the woods, I was so attracted to him.
With a drink in hand I take a deep breath and head outside, smiling at him as he looks up at me, preparing to distract my girls and finally speak with him. The smile he returns is warm and kind as I approach.
"Izzy! Darling!"
I'm embraced into a sudden hug and almost spill my drink as Hannah wraps me into a hug. "Careful Han," I hiss, trying to pull away and get to her new husband. But she has me caught hard and I stop struggling as she leans me to a bench.
Hannah is relentless in telling me about their honeymoon. Not in graphic detail thankfully, at least the kind of graphic detail I want to avoid. But I get to hear of all the wonderful places they visited in Italy, and all the exquisite food and drink they consumed. I honestly couldn't give a shit, and mostly nod throughout in silence.
Come dusk, Hannah is a little more bearable. But any chance to speak with Will just hasn't come, and as the rest of the family decides to head inside, I quickly make an excuse that I want a smoke and stay sat on a bench, quietly hoping that Will might be reminded of his wedding night and join me.
I don't have to wait too long for him to finally make his way out to me. Our eyes are locked as he takes a seat on the bench opposite, glancing away finally to look inside at where his wife is sitting, well out of earshot.
"Hey," he says quietly, meeting my eyes again and leaning forward in his seat, hands clasped together as he leans on his upper legs. He looks tense.
The cigarette is half done at this point as I pull it from my lips and breathe smoke away from both of us. In the time between our moment of passion and now I had gone through all the things I'd wanted to say to him. To talk to him about. How I felt. And now he was here, my tongue felt like lead and my mind was blank.
"Good trip?" I ask, and inwardly cringe at what I decide to open with. Will rolls his shoulders and looks up above us to the tree that dominates my parents garden.
"Not really. I mean... it was alright. Italy's lovely. Hotel was stunning. But honestly Han spent most of the time on her phone if we weren't busy. Think she was messaging Justin."
I can see why he might have brought Justin up. I might have too, in his shoes. It's a way of deflecting from what we did, an excuse for why it might have happened. We both know it. There's a small pause before I speak, working up the courage to speak about the awkwardness. When I find my voice, the words are quiet but firm.
"I don't think we get to take the high road on what is appropriate behaviour Will."
His head turns back to me and I see a sad, resigned look on his face. "Yeah, I guess not. Are you... okay about what happened?"
Isn't that a loaded question. It's my turn to look up to the leaves above us now as I take a long, satisfying drag from my cigarette before dropping it to the ground and putting it out with the heel of my trainer.
"I'm not okay with the betrayal involved Will. That's the worst shit I've ever done to anyone, nevermind my own family. Yeah, Han's self-centred and a bit of a drama queen but she didn't deserve that from either of us."
I can't look at him after I've said such brutal truths. I don't want to see if he's relieved or hurt because I don't want to deal with the ramifications of either of them. Will remains silent and I take the chance to continue before he can say anything else. This time when I speak it's slow and considered, and I can hear him turn to look at me.
"That being said... it's perhaps the hottest thing I've ever done. That...hmm... you know what you're doing Will. I'll say that much."
When my eyes flick back from the tree and see him looking straight at me with an infectious smile on his face. Despite the fact I should be horrified, I feel my own lips slowly rising in a smile as I turn to look at him.
"Will," I admonish. "There's nothing to smile about. For either of us."
"I know," he says, but he's still smiling as he looks abashedly at the ground. "Just glad you thought the same as me. You were pretty fucking good yourself."
It's a good compliment to hear after my years of imposed abstinence. Not that I think I did anything special - merely got lost with Will in how good a sudden fuck like that could be. Even though there felt like there might have been more there. A kind of connection. Either that or it had been so long that I was willing to feel a connection with anyone. Even my drunken brother-in-law.
"I've thought about it quite a bit actually," he continues, still looking to the ground. "Like knowing it's wrong but... well, I meant it when I said you're hot Izzy. And what we did was hot."
Once upon time such words would make me blush but not anymore. Not at thirty seven. But I still smile, because it's a kind thing to say, and there's not much I can answer with. I even believe Will, such is the earnest look he gives me when he finally looks up and gives me a smile.
He stands up and sighs thoughtfully. Will has such a thoughtful face, like he was considering something significant behind his kind eyes. When he looks back at me I feel like I could melt, and I almost hate myself for how much he has me on a string without even realising it.
"I just have one regret," he says with a small quirk of his lips. "Just wish I could have made you cum."
I bark out a sudden, sharp laugh and then cover my mouth with a hand, guiltily looking inside to see if anyone was looking. They were, but they soon looked away, perhaps thinking I'd been told a rude joke or something. It took a moment for me to get my composure back.
"Yes, well... I came," I say casually. "And you were like... 95% involved in that."
"Not the same Izzy," he sighs again, this time surprisingly wistfully, before heading back inside before I can say anything else.
That night, when I'm clutching my chest after another Will-inspired orgasm, I figure his last words were a little unfair. Or at least they seemed that way to me. It felt like he was almost teasing us both with the prospect of more.
More seemed unlikely though as the weeks slipped by, and why Will remained on my mind, he wasn't quite as potent as before. At least, that was the case until a chance meeting late on a Saturday night.
I didn't go out often. Between childcare and shift work it wasn't really feasible. But occasionally the stars would align and opportunity would knock. In this case my shifts fell in such a way that I had the weekend off at the same time that the girls were with their dad. My younger colleagues on the ward would often go out at the weekend and this time I was invited to go with them.
