The Thorns in Our Hearts

The Thorns In Our Hearts

A Tragic Romance, Part III

Author's note. This book, while primarily a Romance Novel. Does contain some scenes of extreme grief, trauma and some self harm. There's plenty of sex. It just takes awhile to get to it.

Late August 1988

In the days following my daughter's funeral I went through the motions of my life as an automaton, dead inside. The shock of my daughter's death, of her Mother's death. I was eaten alive by grief. I knew it was my fault. Melissa loved me, Kassandra needed me to protect her. Yet from the moment I came into Melissa's life, she was doomed.

As I lay in the bed holding Leigh in my arms at night bitter guilt and deep black self-loathing coursed through me. I held her close, brushed her hair gently and heard her bitter sobs in the darkness. I wanted to give her the confort she needed but everything just seemed so far away. All I could feel was an overwhelming grief and a deep, burning hatred, aimed at myself.

On the third day I knew what I had to do. I got up, leaving the love of my life peacefully sleeping. I took a long look at her, her tousled chestnut hair spilling out in loose waves across the pillows. Her face, the most beautiful sight in the world to me. Her graceful neck, the curves of her body. I knew I was seeing them for the last time.

I walked to the living room and pulled out a metal box from under the sofa. I opened it and looked down at the cold blue steel of my Colt.380. I picked the gun up, checked to make sure it was loaded, then slipped it into my jeans pocket. I had to spare Leigh and my family from the step I knew I must take. I opened my door and stepped out into a crisp, clear morning. I neither enjoyed the beauty nor relished the day. I was 23 years old but the world seemed dead and gray. I got in my camaro, and drove away.

A short while later I pulled up in front of the apartments where Ron lived with Tina and Dawna. I mechanically walked up the stairs and used my key to get in.

"Hi baby!" Dawn leapt up from the couch "I'm so sorry." She tried to embrace me, I stopped her with an outstretched hand.

"Karl.....?" She said, questioningly as I walked by, an automaton driven by self-hate. I walked into the kitchen where Ronnie was. As I started to go past him he grabbed me by an arm

"Hey Pal, what are you doing here?" He looked at me strangely "You got a thousand yard stare man, you okay?"

"Yeah fine, I came to see if some of my missing clothes were here in the closet, that okay?" I lied to his face.

"Sure man, it's always your house too."

I walked into the bedroom, shut the door, and locked it. I guess Ron heard the lock click into place. I sat on the bed and took my.380 out of my pocket, cocked it and in one motion raised it to my temple. Ron kicked the door off it's hinges and lunged at me, knocking the gun aside just as my finger tightened around the trigger. The gunshot was deafening. I dimly heard Dawna scream. I saw Ron over me with his fist drawn back, and then I saw no more.

I came to dimly, groggily, I tried to move my hands and couldn't I heard Ron's voice, it seemed he was speaking to my Father

"He fucking tried to shoot himself Charles. I had to cold cock him, what is going on?"

"Why couldn't you just let me fucking die Ronnie?"

"He's awake" I realized Ron was on the phone with Dad.

"I need to see my little girl, please just let me fucking die."

Dawna knelt beside me. As my vision returned I saw tears coursing down her face. "Oh Karl" her hands reached out to me

"Don't touch me Dawna, I've hurt enough people, I'm poison."

Ronnie slammed the phone down and rounded on me "Goddammit man, stop that shit! What happened WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!"

His expression softened, he looked at me, and sighed "You stubborn motherfucker."

I sat back pulling at the cords that bound my wrists.

"You might as well stop pulling at that, you're not getting out of it. You are a far better fighter than I am, it's why I knocked you out when I had the chance."

Ronnie sat in front of me

"I love you man, you're my brother. But you need help. Your dad is getting it for you. Someone will be here for you soon."

At that I knew where I was headed, when I'd met Ron, and during the first few years of our friendship my father had been the administrator of a large rehab facility in Louisville. I knew he'd send me there. They had security, rooms that were basically cells, and psychiatrists.

Dawna cried and Ronnie wished me good luck as I was hauled away to a waiting ambulance.

They put me in a small room with a bed, desk, and bathroom. And left me. I sat quietly on the bed in my new blue jumpsuit. I knew better than to search my room, I knew there would be nothing I could use to take my own life. I thought about my daughter, and fed my self-hate.

September 6th 1988

I was taken by one of my Shrinks to the visitor's area, I was being allowed visitors. I was still in my blue jumpsuit, wearing slip on shoes. The door buzzed open and I was ushered through. I saw her sitting at a table, Leigh.

"Karl!" She threw herself into my arms, covering my face in kisses. I put my arms around her.

"Leigh" I breathed out her name like a prayer.

We sat down next to each other. She looked at me, into my eyes. Her face was stricken. "Karl, please, why did you try to leave me, baby I love you so much, I need you, don't you know that?"

Her words poured out in a hot and bitter flood that tore into the deepest places in my heart.

I tried to answer. "I killed my Daughter Leigh, Kassandra is dead because of me and God help me Melissa is too."

Leigh almost slapped me. Instead she shook me by the shoulders "Karl no!!" she cried out "None of what happened to Melissa and Kassandra was your fault, it was pure chance baby, bad luck." She was almost pleading by the time her sentence ended

"I wish that was true my love, but I am the one that asked Melissa to get Kass that god damned morning. I did that! Me!"

She pulled me close and looked right into my eyes "No baby, no"

She put her fingers into my hair and rubbed my face, "I love you Karl, I'd do anything for you. I am your wife, regardless of what the law says. I want to spend my life with you. Please, don't ever try to leave me again. Please baby"

I could never resist Leigh. Her pleas reached deeply into my shattered heart "I won't try to kill myself again Leigh. I promise."

She held me tightly and kissed me fiercely. I knew I had to protect her, she was all I had left. But I failed with my daughter. I was a kaleidoscope of emotions. I was led back to my room. I laid in my bed and sobbed.

September 14th 1988

I walked down the steps of the alcohol and drug abuse center in the bright sunlight to where my father, and Leigh, waited for me. I climbed in the backseat of dad's blazer, Leigh cuddled against me. Bernice was notably absent, I was glad of that. Dad drove me to Ron's and I retrieved my Camaro and Leigh and I drove home in it.

When we got in the door to the trailer she began kissing me, heatedly, passionately. She pushed me down on the sofa and sat astride my lap. She kissed my face, and whispered sweetly into my ear.

"Love me Karl, take me" I kissed her back, robotically.

She stopped and sat back on my lap, panting. She looked directly at me "Baby, what's wrong."

"I just, I'm sorry I just'

"Shh" she put her finger to my lips. "It's okay my love."

She clambered off me, sat beside me and cuddled against me.

That night we slept in each other's arms, but we didn't make love. A conviction was growing deep inside me. I was death. I looked back at what happened to my beloved Mother. I loved her, and she died. I was poison. I looked forward to Melissa, she loved me, and she died. Kassandra loved us both and I loved her fiercely, and they died. Everything I loved and held close to me died.

I knew, if I stayed with her, Leigh would die. I loved her so much it hurt. I had to save her from that.

And every night we lay there in each other's arms and she nuzzled against me, the conviction grew. I had to save Leigh. I had to leave her.

September through December 1988

As the dreary gray weeks rolled by I widened the distance between my love and I. I was indifferent to her, even cold. We rarely made love. She begged me to talk to her, but I wouldn't. I was so unfocused at work, I lost my job.

The gulf between us widened every day. I thought I was doing what was best for her. But tragically what I was doing couldn't have been worse. Leigh was grieving deeply too, she needed me and I just wasn't there. My body was but my mind wasn't, I was making the tragedy that had overtaken us far worse

December 23rd, 1988

The fourth anniversary of the night Leigh and I got back together was grim. Rain poured in sheets off the trailer. I was apathetic, dead. Leigh tried to talk to me.

"Oh Karl baby I don't understand, I feel you slipping farther away from me every day and it hurts so fucking much." Her beautiful eyes were rimmed red from tears. "Why can't you love me the way I love you, we can have a child together. Please come back to me."

Her pleas cut me to the bone. I wanted to go to her, hold her, tell her how much I loved her. But I couldn't. I knew all I was would doom her.

That was the last night I slept in her arms.

1989.

I started staying at my house, the one I'd inherited and that my Grandmother lived in. She tried her best to make everything alright for me. It had hurt her to lose her Great-Granddaughter too.

Leigh called me every day at first begging me to come home. I told her I loved her and would think about it.

I started hiking in the hills, at first around the massive lake a few miles from my town. I was young, strong, and muscular but I taxed my own limits. I pushed further and further into the wilderness every day. I walked in the deep silent forest. The trees bare-limbed in the cold Winter winds. A deep coat of snow lay on the hills. I was seeking out death.

I promised Leigh I wouldn't kill myself. I wanted to let the wilderness do it. I knew there was a serial killer on the Appalachian Trail. I thought perhaps we could do each other in, but I never found him.

Leigh would periodically call only for my Grandmother to tell her, "He's off hiking, it's all he does now."

As Winter turned to Spring and Spring to Summer I pushed further and further into the backwoods. I tried to lose my way, but couldn't. I always found my way back to civilization.

In July of 89 I did my longest hike, a seven day walk that landed me in West Virginia.

I torched my camaro at a remote boat ramp before I left. I didn't want to be heard from again. But I somehow found my way back to civilization.

I sat on a bench in the middle of a small town deep in the hills of West Virginia wolfing down a sandwich and soda I bought. I considered walking back into the wilderness, wandering even farther from home, down into North Carolina or Tennessee. Simply losing myself and my life to the cathedral of the wilds, but something deep inside me would not let me die.

I hitch-hiked back home.

When I talked to Leigh again she said she'd given up our trailer and moved back in with dad and Bernice. She cried and said all it did was remind her of me and Kassandra. My heart broke again. She asked me to come see her. I said I would.

Fall of 1989

I decided to do something to kill the endless time, my wilderness jaunts were getting me nowhere. I enrolled in the college in my hometown.

In my mind I had mostly buried my love for Leigh. I knew we could never be together again, I knew it was best for her.

I flung myself into my classes, and tried to wall the horror and sadness in my mind away.

February 1990

I was talking Spanish as one of my courses and most of my classmates were gray blurs to me. But one stood out. She was tall, nearly my height. She always came to class dressed in black, occasionally with touches of color, but always black.

She had long black hair with vivid blue and red streaks in it. And she had striking features, sharp dark eyes and her lips and nails were always painted black. I never once saw her look happy. She stood out to me. But, I was still so dead inside I didn't say a word to her, for months

And the days went by, and by.

April 1990

The tall dark girl walked into class looking even slinkier that usual one day, she was wearing a tight black dress, When she sat and brushed back her long hair I saw a bit of creamy smooth thigh in the slit of the dress and a long leg in a black stocking, ending in tall knee boots. She looked at me directly, she'd been doing that for awhile

When the bell rang she didn't get up with everyone else, and something made me stay where I was

"Why haven't you ever tried to talk to me?"

Her voice was soft, sibilant, it reached into a part of me I thought was dead. My hormones argued cogently otherwise.

"I don't know, it's a dead gray world to me, your color seems far more alive than I am."

Her dark brows knitted

"Not the answer I was expecting. You're not like these other buffoons. What's your name?"

"Karl" I softly said.

"Nice to meet you Karl, I'm Tamarinth. And I share your view. It is a dead gray world. And my colors aren't defiance, they're acceptance. Want to have dinner with me?"

She raised an eyebrow and stared at me.

A few months ago I'd have turned her down flat. But my hormones were whispering in my ear, and my loneliness was a constant pain now. I knew I was bad news, but maybe, so was she.

"Alright," I spoke, looking at her. Those dark mysterious eyes.

"Good Boy" She smiled. She wrote something in her notebook and handed it to me. Her number

"Call me later, Loverboy, we'll make plans." And she walked out of the room. I watched her long legs and had a mental picture of them around me.

I went home and called Tamarinth that night. We made plans to meet on Friday in Mount Madison, her hometown, maybe 20 minutes drive down the interstate from mine. Which in my new Monte Carlo SS meant 10 minutes.

April 7th 1989.

I went out with Tamarith for the first time on a Friday. We had a greasy pizza in a local parlor.

During dinner I learned just how strange Tamarinth really was. She told me the world was a charnel house that needed to burn. And, as her dark eyes sparkled like rainbows she described inventive ways in which to murder our classmates.

She slowly impale this girl like Vlad Dracula did. "Or like yeah in Cannibal Holocaust! Have you ever seen it?"

"Can't say that I have."

"You can watch it with me!" A dazzling smile.

"So, why is the world a dead and gray place to you Karl" Tamarinth leaned across the table, peering at me.

"I accidentally killed my three year old daughter, and I am going to Hell for it, where I belong."

What Tamarinth said, in that silky smooth voice, was the last thing I ever expected.

"I want to go there too." Her dark eyes shone.

Later, we went to the movies. I sat watching the film but Tamarinth turned the aggressor. She took my face in her hands, and kissed me, I felt her full, soft lips on mine for the first time.

I reached up and put my fingers into her long, red and blue streaked black hair. It was as fine and soft as anything I'd ever felt.

Her tongue snaked into my slightly open mouth and I received a slight shock. Tamarinth's tongue was long, very long. Longer than any girl I'd ever kissed. I uttered a strangled "Mmf" as her tongue reached my tonsils.

Tamarinth was a fantastic kisser and my pain receded as we made out passionately there in our seats.

As we kissed each other hungrily she disengaged and rubbed her soft lips over my cheek to my ear.

"Come home with me Karl, you'll have more fun than you will here."

"I'm all yours"

We drove in her car, a small blue Pontiac to her apartment. It was in a large big building, I saw a sign in the front "Wilkes funeral home"

She parked in a lot in back. As she levered herself out of the car and stood up I was stuck by the perfect curves of her lanky body, and again, the length of her legs. She came around to me, walked up and kissed me.

Then she led me up a flight of stairs to her apartment.

I was taken aback when I stepped inside. The walls, ceiling, and carpet were all black. I saw a giant wall hanging with a white pentagram in it and a depiction of a demon I knew to be Baphomet.

As I stepped two carpeted steps down into her living room I looked to my left and saw a statue of Baphomet, with an altar in front of it, with black candles burning.

Tamarinth, who I'd found out was 5'10" rounded on me, putting a finger under my chin

"Does my home scare you Karl?"

"Not at all" I said softly "Nothing does"

"Good" she purred.

I started to sit on her sofa but she grabbed me, spun me around and kissed me, hard. Our tongues battled in our mouths.

When we stopped gasping for air she leaned into me and whispered into my ear "No, in the bedroom, I want you to fuck me Karl, now."

The animalistic lust I held deep inside exploded forth for the first time in nearly two years. I grabbed Tamarinth and pulled her into her bedroom. I badly wanted to see just what was under that dress.

I peeled it from her body as I pushed her towards her bed, it too was all black, black silk sheets.

Black scented candles burned lambently on the wooden headboard.

I felt her, warm in my arms, unsnap her bra and shimmy out of her panties. I tossed her back onto the bed, and took her in.

Her long black hair disappeared into the black sheets, the red and blue streaks stood out more vividly.

She had striking yet soft features, high cheekbones, a delicately chiseled nose. Full lips I now knew. A long delicate neck. Smooth white skin.

Her breasts were generous, just the right size for her tall, lanky frame. Her stomach was so flat it curved in. She had prominent hipbones and a thick patch of dark brown hair crowning her pussy. Her long stocking-encased legs dangled off the bed.

As Tamarinth sat up I hurriedly tugged at my clothing, I had my shirt off in seconds and I stepped out of my jeans. I turned and saw her look at my body with raw lust in her dark, mysterious eyes.

I crawled over the bed to her, her arms enfolded my neck, she pulled me down into a deep, burning kiss.

My body lay atop hers, she felt my throbbing hard cock press into her abdomen. It pushed down into her softness, causing her to moan into my mouth as so many girls had before her.

Those long, silky stocking encased legs I had dreamed of wrapped around me, pulling me in tighter. I felt like a Black Widow's prey.

The bacchanal of horror in my mind was pushed aside, I was driven now by pure need. I pushed also the flashes of Leigh in my mind down deep and away. I knew that was over, I had to be in the here and now.

I pushed my tongue deeper into Tamarinths mouth, so hot and wet. Her long tongue snaked aggressively deeper into mine.

I had learned to be a little rough with Leigh, because she enjoyed a little bodice-ripping, being carried around and tossed on the bed, even choked.

For the first time in my life, instead of making love sweetly, Tamarinth's aggressiveness triggered something inside me, and I felt as though, while yes we were about to have sex, I was also in a battle with her for dominance.

And while I never had any urge to dominate anyone, I wasn't going to allow myself to be dominated, either.

All these thoughts flashed through my mind in moments.

I pressed down into Tamarinth harder. I bit gently into her lower lip and then sucked her tongue as hard as I could, drawing an endearing surprised little "Mmmf" from her.

Her long, lithe body felt heavenly underneath me. I used my hands to rub her face and run my fingers through her silky hair. She rubbed her silky stockinged legs against my hips, up to my ribs.