I was leaving St. Louis for a new life on the west coast. I'd always hated the harsh Midwestern winters and couldn't wait to be lying on a warm California beach. It was only October and already there was a chill in the Missouri air. Having done my time at the university, I'd earned a degree in accounting and had eagerly accepted the first job I was offered in Los Angeles. I'd spent so much time studying the past four years that I'd lost touch with the few friends I'd made back in high school. My mother and I were what you'd call estranged, so that left only one person I would truly miss.
Five husbands. That's how many spouses my mother had gone through in my lifetime. The second marriage produced me, but it didn't last long. My birth father divorced us both when I was six months old, which means he hasn't even sent a birthday card my way in all of my twenty-two years. Rob was my mother's fourth try at marital bliss. I was eighteen by the time they wed. She'd grown older while her taste in men had grown younger. Rob was only twenty-nine when he'd assumed the role of my stepfather. Ironically, he'd proven himself to be the most mature, taking the responsibility rather seriously. He took a great interest in my education and when my mother filed for yet another divorce, he offered to let me continue to live with him so that I wouldn't have to resort to living in a dorm room. Nothing could have made my mother happier, as she'd already moved on to her next fiancee who wasn't thrilled at the idea of me moving in with him and his new bride-to-be. Not all men are quick to buy a package deal.
My first year of college was daunting, to put it mildly. I'd sailed through high school while hardly having the need to crack a book, but the work load was much heavier at the university. Still hurt at being so easily disregarded by my mother, my heart wasn't in it. I barely managed a C average that first semester. Rob, who'd funded the tuition was more than a little disappointed.
"What's the problem, Tess? You've always been a good student."
"Well, I suppose I could try fucking one of my professors, or all of them," I said sarcastically. "That should raise my grade."
"What the hell has gotten into you? I spend my hard earned money on your future and you make crude jokes?"
"Maybe I need a spanking, Daddy," I quipped, not sure myself as to why I was being such a brat. He was the only one who'd ever taken an interest in me and this is how I was going to repay him.
"How about I send you to your room instead," he responded.
"Oh, come on, I'm nineteen."
"Yes, but this is my house and I don't want to deal with you right now. Seriously, go, Tess."
I left him in his office where he'd summoned me fifteen minutes earlier. As I shut the door behind me I felt banished from the only person I trusted. What he didn't know was that there was something more than trust between us and there had been for awhile. After my mother had moved out of the house, I'd begun fantasizing about him nonstop. He was a handsome man and I knew his secrets, which made him even more appealing to me.
Once, when he thought I'd be out late catching a midnight movie, I'd come home early. He was with a date in the living room. They didn't hear me come in, so I got a full view of what was happening. The young blond woman was about my age. I recognized her as his secretary. Rob was sitting nude on the sofa with the woman over his knee. He was spanking her bare ass.
"Who is the boss," he demanded as his hand came down on her cheeks with a loud crackle.
"You are," she shrieked.
"And while am I disciplining you?"
"I deserve it," she whimpered. "I was late to work again. I know how you feel about that. Please forgive me."
He smacked her ass again. "How will you make it up to me?"
"I'll do anything you want."
"You know what I want."
"Do you want me to pretend to be Tess? Do you want me to call you Daddy?"
"Yes." he answered.
I didn't stay to watch anymore. I tiptoed out the front door and drove to a twenty-four hour café, where I spent the rest of the evening drinking coffee refills and trying to comprehend what I'd seen, what it meant. Strangely, it didn't bother me at all to know that my stepfather had feelings for me that were far from fraternal. As I've said, he was a handsome man. I had on more than one occasion felt a twinge of jealousy at how lucky my mother was to have him. I'd wondered if I'd ever find a man like him. Now that I knew he wanted me in that way, it was hard being near him without wondering what it would be like to have him run his hands over my body. I was so plagued with fantasies I was sure could never become a reality, that I rarely dated other men. I told myself if I could only have Rob once, my curiosity would be satisfied and I could move on with my life. Let me tell you, when the mind wants something badly enough, it can justify anything. Whenever I started to feel guilty about the desires some might call unnatural, I reasoned that it wasn't as if he were my real father. Really, he was more of a benefactor.
The night he sent me to my room as though I were a child rather than a grown woman, I felt rejected by someone who was supposed to have an unconditional tolerance, if not love, towards me. Of course, it made me want him all the more. I could not remember him ever before having a harsh word with me and I was determined to get back into his good graces. Never go to bed on an argument, I'd always heard.
Apologizing and putting an end to our disagreement was all I intended upon when I entered his room later that night. That's what I often tell myself, but if it were true, I wouldn't have waited for him to go to bed before approaching him. I know that now if I didn't know it then.
He was sleeping the way he liked, with the fan blowing full blast in his face. It was a fight he'd had countless times with my mother. He simply could not sleep without the breeze. The covers were twisted just below his navel and once my eyes adjusted to the dark I could see the line where his pubic hair began. To discover him sleeping in the nude should have been enough to send me running out of the room, but urges were beginning to churn in the pit of my stomach and between my legs. Unable to ignore them, I sat gingerly on the edge of the bed.
He opened his eyes instantly. "Tess, what are doing here? Are you sick?"
"No, I felt bad about what happened earlier. I shouldn't have acted the way I did."
"That's alright," he said, pulling the covers over his abdomen. "Go on back to bed. We'll talk tomorrow."
Knowing that it was then or never, I put a hand on his bare arm and felt the muscle ripple there. "I don't want to go back to my bed. It's lonely there."
He sighed, telling me my touch had an effect on him. "I really think you should get back to your room."
"Don't make me go. You don't really want me to," I whispered.
"What do you mean by that?"
I allowed my hand to graze over his chest. "I want to stay here and lie next to you. I want you to touch me."
"That's not going to happen," he said with a trembling voice. He didn't sound sure of his own words.
It was not in my character to be so bold with a man, but I knew his secret. "I haven't been very good to you lately. I don't deserve everything you do for me. You should punish me."
His eyes widened at my suggestive tone. He understood what I was implying. "You don't understand what you're asking for," he said. "You're my daughter."
"Not really. We don't even have the same last name," I reminded him.
"I'm not like the boys you're used to, Tess. You aren't ready for a man like me," he warned.
He was wrong about that. None of the boys I'd dated had a clue as to what their own futures held. They drank too much and they cheated. Taking care of me was the last thing on their minds. I needed a man who would take the wheel when I felt that everything in my life was spinning so very out of control, which is how I felt the majority of the time. I was more than ready for him.
"I understand what I'm getting into," I said. "I saw you with your secretary. I know what you like. Please, let me give it to you."
"You saw me?"
"Yes, you made her pretend to be me, but you don't have to do that anymore. I'm right here. Touch me."
He put his hand over the thin material of my night gown and fondled the breasts underneath. "You saw what I did to Denise and you still want this," he asked.
"Yes."
"I should be angry with you for watching me, invading my privacy."
"You should be," I agreed. "Punish me."
He shook his head. "It's not right."
