The Snows of Dr. Zhivago

WHEN I GOT MY NEW JOB at an ad agency early last year, I rented a nice two-bedroom apartment in a suburban neighborhood about a 20-minute bus ride from the center of town. It was during the pandemic, so I set up my second bedroom as an office, since my work office was pretty much shut down and we all met by phone calls and Zoom conferences. Since then, the office has opened up again, but it is still letting people work at home a couple of days a week. So my usual schedule has been to go into the office two or three days a week and work from home the rest of the time. It's a pretty nice balance, and I enjoy having time to hang out with the other people I work with.

About a month ago my sister, Ellie, got in touch with me to tell me she had just gotten a job in my city. Ellie was just over a year older than me, and had been working as a paralegal. Her new job would give her a chance to do specialized work in commercial real estate, and would pay a lot better. She asked if I had any recommendations about places to live.

I told her she could stay with me for a while and not have to rush into finding a place until she knew more about what she wanted. She was delighted and said she would take me up on it, and was happy it would give us a chance to hang out with each other again.

I emptied the office stuff out of the second bedroom. Since I was only working from home part-time, I was able to set up a desk in my bedroom and arrange a Zoom set-up in my living room where the background would look nicer.

* * *

Ellie arrived Friday at noon. When I opened the door, she gave me a big hug. "Brandon, you're looking wonderful! It's so great to see you! We haven't had a chance to really hang out and talk in a long time."

We hadn't seen that much of each other since high school. Pretty much Christmas break and the occasional Thanksgiving dinner. We both tended to get jobs over the summer so we weren't hanging out at home.

Ellie was looking stunning, as usual. She was slim and had a sense of athletic presence, and guys' heads would swivel to watch her as she walked down the street. Her hair was what I guess they would call "dirty blonde," much lighter than my dark brown hair. We shared some similarities in looks -- we're both on the tall side and we both have blue eyes. At the same time, if we were out doing things together, people wouldn't automatically think brother and sister.

She hadn't brought all that much with her at this point. She still had a lot of stuff at our parents' house, but for now, she would just need clothes and her laptop and stuff until she figured out what she wanted to do next.

"Brandon, your place looks great. I love it. It's so nice of you to invite me to stay with you for a while. Are you sure I won't be getting in your way?... I guess what I'm asking is, do you have a girlfriend who may find me an inconvenience?"

"No, it's been a while. My last relationship ended a couple of months ago and I've just been kind of chilling since then."

"Well, that's great, I guess. Anyway, this will give us plenty of time to catch up."

I gave her time to get her stuff unpacked and get her clothes put into drawers and closets. Then I offered to show her around the neighborhood so she could know where the shops and restaurants were and where the bus stops were and all that. It was a beautiful afternoon and we were both enjoying being together and looking at shops and just having a good time. We had grabbed a quick lunch, but with dinnertime approaching, I suggested that we celebrate by going to a local Italian restaurant. I used to go there pretty often (cooking for one is pretty much a drag), so the owner greeted us effusively, and the waiter was eager to give us recommendations.

I ordered a bottle of Chianti along with our meal, so by the end of dinner, we were both feeling very mellow. After dinner, we walked back to the apartment. I suggested we might want to watch some TV for the evening, and suggested that if she wanted she could change into whatever she wanted for TV watching. She went back to her bedroom and I went to mine. When we met back in the living room, were both wearing sweatshirts and sweatpants.

There was a rom-com about to start that neither of us had seen before. I went into the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine and brought out some glasses and a bowl of mixed nuts and we settled in.

* * *

The movie was very funny, and the two leads were very charismatic and had a lot of romantic chemistry. I guess, with Ellie sitting there next to me, the romantic vibes started getting to me. We had finished about half of the new bottle of wine, and at one point Ellie just kind of leaned her head on my shoulder. I reached my arm around her shoulder and kind of just hugged her a little bit. After a little while, I ended up putting my other hand on her lap. I'm not quite sure why I did that. Maybe it was the movie, maybe it was the wine... I mean it couldn't have been me, right? But then somehow, I slowly began to move my hand upward. Ellie wasn't doing anything to stop me, and so eventually I found my hand resting on her breast. She definitely wasn't wearing a bra. I guess, I'm pretty sure, hell, I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but her breast felt so good under the sweatshirt. And, of course, it had been a while since I had had a girlfriend.

I just left my hand as still as possible. I didn't want to move and make her any more aware of what I was doing. But then, underneath the sweatshirt, I felt her nipple start to get hard and press up against my hand. Now this was definitely wrong, no question at all, but take my hand away? It felt way too good. I guess I just hoped she wouldn't exactly notice.

I was feeling totally buzzed in the whole situation, the wine, seeing Ellie again, the romantic comedy, and now feeling her breast and nipple against my hand.

All of a sudden, Ellie sat up. "Brandon, what are you doing? What do you think we are doing? You do know you're my brother, right? Oh my God, did I make a big mistake moving in with you?"

I sat there, incredibly embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything. I shouldn't have done that. I love having you here but I shouldn't have done that."

Ellie stood there, then turned toward the hallway to her room. "I need to go to my room now, I need to go to bed. I can't just sit down and go back to watching TV right now..." She looked back at me and saw how upset I looked. I could see her trying to figure everything out. Finally she said, "I'm not mad at you. I'm really not. And I'm not going to say it didn't feel good. I'm not saying that at all. But to me, Brandon is my brother, and that just makes it wrong.

"Look, I'm confused. I'm not sure what to think, or what to do. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast, okay? And no, I'm really not mad at you, so don't worry. I still love you very much."

There it was. It had been so nice having Ellie here, having dinner with her, watching TV with her, and now I had totally blown it. I felt miserable. I certainly didn't want her to move out because I'd been so stupid. What was I thinking?

I turned off the TV and went into my bedroom. I heard the water running in the bathroom so I figured Ellie was brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed. I wanted to stay out of her way for now, so I just waited until I heard the bathroom door open and her bedroom door close. I went into the bathroom and peed and brushed my teeth and then went back to my bedroom.

I got into bed and tried to fall asleep, but that wasn't working. I thought about jerking off to try and relax, but I felt like that would make me feel like a total perv. So I just lay there, and tried not to think, until somehow I finally fell asleep.

* * *

I was the first one up the next morning. I was still thinking about what had happened yesterday and wondering what it was going to be like seeing Ellie when she got up.

I took a quick shower and got dressed and headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. I decided to go all out and make eggs and bacon and pancakes. I didn't know if it would help the situation, but was the best thing I could think of. A lot of Saturday mornings I would just head out for coffee and a muffin at a local coffee shop, but that really wasn't going to give us the same chance to talk -- if she was still talking to me, that is.

I was in the middle of cooking when Ellie came in, dressed for the day. "Good morning, Brandon. Looks like you're putting out quite a spread. I usually don't get that elaborate for breakfast. But I appreciate you doing that."

Breakfast turned out well, even the pancakes were done just right. We didn't talk a lot over breakfast, but the mood seemed much lighter than last night.

After breakfast, we sat there for a while drinking coffee, and then Ellie said, "I was looking online, and there's some shopping I need to do in town. You showed me where the bus stop is so I can just take the bus. I should be back around 3 or 4 o'clock."

She didn't suggest that I come along with her. I wasn't sure whether I should read anything into that or not. I mean, if it hadn't been for last night, I could have seen us enjoying going around shopping together. She didn't seem to be upset, but she didn't want me along either.

I decided to go for a quick run in the park instead. I figured some exercise would keep me from just sitting around and overthinking, and probably worrying as well.

* * *

Sure enough, Ellie came back around 3:45. She was carrying a couple of bags with her, but I couldn't see what stores they were from. She took the bags back to her room, and then came back out. "I was thinking maybe we could stay in and watch a movie tonight. If there's a good pizza place nearby, maybe we could go get a pizza and also pick up another bottle of wine."

* * *

It was a beautiful warm afternoon, and there was no need to rush about anything. We walked around a bit just looking at some different shops, and stopped in at a liquor store and bought a bottle of red wine. Then we headed to a place in the neighborhood that made some of the best pizza around. I ordered a large pizza, and then we sat at one of the outdoor tables to wait until it was ready.

Normally, I would have just ordered pizza in, but it felt good being able to walk around with Ellie and do this stuff together, so I let her carry the wine and I tried to carry the large pizza box without tipping it. Fortunately, it was a pretty short walk to my place.

When we got home, I opened the bottle of wine and got some glasses and plates for us. I had a pretty big coffee table in front of my sofa so I put everything on the coffee table and even managed to fit the pizza box there so we wouldn't be running back and forth during the movie.

I was just going to channel surf, looking for something, but Ellie had something specific in mind; she went to the Amazon video site and found Dr. Zhivago. "I think I want to buy this, rather than just rent it," she said. "I'll pay for it when your bill comes in."

Normally I'm the kind of guy who just watches a movie once and that's plenty, since there are so many more movies out there that I haven't seen. But if that's what she wanted, that was fine.

"Brandon, have you ever seen 'Dr. Zhivago'?"

"Never seen it," I said. "I've heard of it. Isn't it kind of old?"

"Yes, the original version is pretty old, but it doesn't really seem that way. It's a classic. And I think they released a higher-resolution version a number of years ago, so the quality should be pretty good."

I looked at the movie information on Amazon.

"Did you know that this movie is over three hours long?" I asked.

"I didn't remember exactly how long, but yes, it is long. It's an epic. It's about the Russian Revolution and there's all sorts of stuff going on. Don't worry about it, it'll be worth it."

I wasn't quite sure about this, but after last night, I was ready to go along with anything. No way I wanted to upset her again.

* * *

It was a long movie. We were done with the pizza long before the movie began to hit its high points, and we had finished the bottle of wine well before the end of the movie, but I didn't want to get up and go looking for another bottle.

The story was amazing with all sorts of stuff about the Russian Revolution and all of the fighting between factions and stuff like that and what happened to the peasants and all. But the main thing was the love story between Dr. Zhivago (Yuri) and Lara. And at the end there is that final scene where Dr. Zhivago, who has gotten really old, sees Lara passing by in a streetcar and can't catch up and can't get her attention. She doesn't see him and he tries to run after the trolley and has a heart attack or something and falls into the snow. That really crushed me. I sat there with tears welling up in my eyes, although I tried not to show it. But Ellie saw it.

"So you are romantic," she said. "I pretty much figured you would be, and that's good. Especially for what I have in mind."

* * *

I looked at her. What was she talking about? I mean I had been really careful all evening not to do anything like I had done the night before, so I didn't think I had done anything wrong.

"Last night, after I went back to my bedroom," she said, "I spent a lot of time thinking about things. And no, I wasn't mad at you then and I'm not mad at you now. But there was just this big problem to deal with. You're Brandon and I'm Ellie, and well, we grew up together. We played together, we took baths together when we were kids, we were best friends. And, we were family. Brother and sister. That's a huge no-no. And that doesn't change, no matter how much wine we drink or anything else.

"But I also started thinking about something else. When I was in college, I got into acting for a while. I had some bit parts in a few plays, but my big break was getting to play the female lead in a production of 'Miss Julie,' a one-act play by Strindberg. And one of the big things I had to learn was that acting wasn't just about memorizing lines and reciting them, it was about sinking yourself into the role, about disappearing into this other person. You weren't you anymore, you were the person in the play. You were someone totally different. I wasn't Ellie anymore, I was Miss Julie. In a way, it was kind of liberating. You could stop being you and step into some kind of completely different reality. And that was the only way it would work.

"You see, as long as you're Brandon, it's completely wrong. We grew up together, we took baths together when we were kids. But if you were someone else, someone completely different, well... And, of course, if I was someone completely different as well...

"Suppose you weren't Brandon and I wasn't Ellie. Suppose I was Lara and you were Yuri. Suppose what was between us was this incredible epic romance. Do you see what I'm saying?"

I thought about it, and I thought about all the people I had seen in movies and plays and how they became other people. And then you had Omar Sharif and Julie Christie becoming Yuri and Lara. I mean I knew they had both been in lots of other movies, but in this movie, none of that mattered. This is who they were. And it was the hottest and most moving love story I had ever seen.

"Yes, I said, "it makes a lot of sense. That's what you have to do for the play. But it also gives you the chance to step outside of yourself and be someone else. And most people never really get to do that. I think that's a beautiful idea."

* * *

Ellie stood up. "When I went shopping today, I had that very idea in mind. There was a store that sold vintage clothing, and I found something for each of us.

"I couldn't find everything for you, but this should be a start." She went back into her bedroom and came out carrying a black formal jacket with tails. It was the kind of thing that a gentleman would wear at Ascot and at Royal parties and stuff like that.

"I think if you have a pair of black pants or something close, a pair of black shoes, and a white shirt, and maybe a black bow tie or something, it should be enough. So go to your room and get dressed and I'll meet you in the living room. Then you get to see what I found for myself."

* * *

I took the jacket and headed back into my bedroom. I had a pair of black pants, but they weren't all that formal. But I did have a charcoal gray suit, and I figured the pants from that were more formal-looking, and would be a more appropriate match. The jacket fit fine and I had plenty of white shirts, including one that didn't have a button-down collar. And I did have, from some long-ago occasion, a black bow tie. Fortunately, it was a clip-on. I looked through my shoes and I decided to go with a pair of black leather chukka boots that I hadn't worn in some time. After I put everything on, I went into the bathroom and wet my hair and slicked it back to change my appearance even more. I definitely looked different. I was no Omar Sharif, but I wasn't Brandon anymore.

By the time I was dressed in this outfit, I looked and felt like a completely different person. I went back out into the living room and sat down on the sofa to wait for Ellie -- or was I waiting for Lara? I was still somewhat uncertain about what was going on. I had done what I could, but it was impromptu based on what I had in my closet.

It took a while, but finally I heard Ellie's bedroom door open and in a moment I saw her come into the room. The sight of her almost took my breath away. She was wearing an elaborate burgundy-colored vintage dress that she filled out perfectly. The dress was long enough that I couldn't see much of her feet, but it seemed that her shoes were similarly vintage. She had also put her hair up in a new way and looked totally different and totally exotic.

"Yuri," she said, looking at me. "I've been waiting for you for a very long time. You look so handsome tonight."

"Lara," I said, "you look more beautiful than ever."

Suddenly I understood everything. It was more romantic than anything I could've ever thought of, more romantic than anything I had ever experienced before in my life.

* * *

"Come Yuri, come dance a waltz with me."

I was taken aback at this unexpected request. "I... I don't know how to waltz," I said apologetically.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you can count to three, and that's all it takes. I'll teach you. She called out to the speaker beside the TV, 'Alexa, play classical waltz music.'"

She stood elegantly before me and I moved forward meet her. She helped show me where to put my arm and my hand, and reminded me to stand straight the whole time. Then the music began. The first waltz was a beautiful song with a very clear rhythm.

She had me follow her and count with her, one, two, three... one, two, three... With her leading me, it seemed almost natural, and I began to see and feel everything coming together.

"You look amazing tonight, Lara. You are a vision of loveliness." I didn't have to make any of this up, she was all that and more. She was more beautiful and more exciting and more intoxicating than any girl I had ever met. And I felt transformed as well. I had forgotten our other selves entirely. I was part of this amazing new world, or old world, or whatever. This world of romance and fantasy and love.

We danced several waltzes, and pretty soon it was becoming natural to me. I certainly wasn't good, but I was no longer awful.

Finally, Lara said, "This has been wonderful, Yuri. I look forward to our next meeting."

And with that, she squeezed my hand and turned and left the living room and headed back to her bedroom. No kiss, not even a hug. What the hell had I done wrong? What was going on?

* * *

The next morning, I made breakfast again, and waited for Ellie to show up. Breakfast was almost ready when she appeared. She was smiling, and acting as if nothing at all was wrong.